TIPS FOR LEADING A SELF-CENTRED, BOORISH EXISTENCE

Oh the rage, the rage! 

On the Roads

CARS - DRIVING

• Don't let anyone in. Ever! You can't spare that two extra seconds. Particularly important when the car you refuse to let in needs to exit a freeway and there isn't another exit for 3km. Remember, Netflix is waiting. 
• Never abide by the 'car in front has the right of way' merge rules. Just speed up to the block and then cut in on the person who was ahead of you right at the last second. Same goes for roadblocks in roadworks. Ignore the fact that the notification was miles back. Continue to drive in the blocked lane until the last second and then push in, instead of waiting your turn. 
• Fuck using your indicator. It saves valuable battery power. Let other cars guess your intentions by slamming on your brakes at the last second. Remember the rules: brake first, indicate second. If you do use your indicator, make sure it's a 'blink and miss' once and once only. 
• Don't ever acknowledge when someone kindly lets you in, especially when they wait extra long for you to do so. Of course, you need your hand for texting, changing songs on your iPod and eating your Big Mac.
• Drive a tank sized SUV. At night, blind other drivers with your double strength headlights pointed straight in the eyes of oncoming traffic. Tailgate and intimidate everyone who doesn't drive an environmentally destructive selfish death machine like yours. 
• Don't ever dip your high beam on country roads. 
• In peak hour and when traffic is gridlocked, always choose to turn right into side streets instead of taking the perpendicular road and turning left. 
• Take your classic car that doesn't run over 40kph on one-lane roads in peak hour. 
• Parents, stop wherever you fucking feel like it to pick up your kids from school. Unbroken yellow line? Not an issue! Main road clearway? No problem! It doesn't matter what a selfish jerk you are being, your agenda is so much more important. 
• Pretend you're a V8 car driver on Clipsal 500 week. Hoon the crap out of suburbia. 

CARS - PARKING

• Park in disabled parks. Use your friend's permit when they aren't even in the car to justify your selfishness.
• Wait until the lady with the loaded trolley and three small children gets to her car and loads up so you can take her park, no matter how many cars you are holding up behind you. 
• Take up a park and a half when you parallel park. This is especially important when its in the city on a Friday night and parks are like rare diamonds. 
• Block other cars in by parking like an asshole. 
• Parent parks. Don't even get me started. Because you pushed a thing out of your vagina, you suddenly get priority parking. Yeah, nup. Having children is not like having a disability. It's a choice. Just like it was your choice to get your stupidly unnecessary giant car that doesn't fit into regular parks. 
• Steal other people's carparks, even though they are indicating to go in. 

CYCLISTS

• Ride two or three abreast and block as much traffic as possible. Because your conversation with your riding partner is more important than any other person's day. I don't care that you're allowed to ride two abreast. Just because you can do it, doesn't make you not selfish. 
• If you're on your own, ride as close as practicably possible to the right hand side of the lane. Most important if it's an unbroken line. Cycle as far right as you can in bike lanes. Make sure cars always have to pull into the oncoming traffic to pass you. 
• Ride up windy narrow hills roads at the busiest times of the day, blocking the way for kilometres. Make sure that cars have to put their lives at risk to pass you or take 1 hour to travel 5kms.
• Pretend you're a world class cyclist during Tour Down Under week.

PEDESTRIANS

• Take your time crossing pedestrian crossings to make the cars waiting to turn wait for you longer. 
• Assume that you have the right of way all the time in carparks. Car reversing? No worries - walk out right behind them. Because road rules don't apply in carparks! 

While shopping

• Take 13 items through the 12 items or less aisle
• Taste test the fruit and vegetables. 
• Squeeze the life out of avocados and fruit but don't buy them. Make sure you crush bread before you return it to the shelf
• Knock things off the shelf but don't pick them up. That's what the shelf stockers are for. 
• Use a separate plastic bag for every single piece of fruit. Environment Schmenvironment. 
• Block the aisles with your trolley while you read the nutritional information on every item. 
• Try on several sets of clothes five minutes before closing time but then don't buy them. 
• Leave clothes in heaps in dressing rooms. 
• Order ten coffees through Maccas drive through during the busiest times, instead of parking and going inside. Make sure that each coffee is completely different - half strength, soy, decaf, extra hot - to enable slowest delivery but then whinge about being asked to park in a waiting bay. 
• Stand right in the centre of escalators and don't let anyone through on the right. 
• Never return your trolley; just leave it in an empty parking space. 
• Wait for 10 minutes in line and then ponder your decision on what you want once you get to the counter and are being served. Make sure you always pay in coins. 
• Take up a cafe table for two hours for one cup of coffee. 

In laundromats

• Set your load going in a dryer for twenty five minutes and then leave for an hour. This is especially important when it's busy and there is a line up to use the dryers. Get shitty when someone takes out your clothes and puts them on the bench/floor after they've been sitting there finished for an hour
• Use five dryers to dry ten small items. Again, most important when it is busy 
• Wash animal blankets and oily mechanics overalls in communal washing machines 
• Use more than the suggested washing detergent in machines and leave gunky residue in detergent compartments
• Block the change machine but don't notify the next person who tries to use it
• Don't report broken machines so the next person doesn't know it is broken either and loses their money too

Work

• Eat your stinky lunch in the small office, not in the staff room. 
• Keep changing the air conditioner to a freezing cold 17 or a stinking hot 27 instead of a comfortable 22/23 for everyone. 
• Make your staff feel guilty for taking a sick day even if they are incapacitated but come to work and spread your germs to everyone in the office. 
• Ask your staff/underlings to do a job for you just as they are walking out the door for the day and have already shut down their PC. 
• Never change empty toilet rolls in staff toilets, even if a replacement is there waiting for you on the cistern. You're way too busy. 
• Leave drips on the seats, dirty toilet bowls and your empty tampon wrapper sitting on top of the sanitary waste bin. 
• 'Reply All' to every email, no matter how irrelevant. 
• Sell Nutrimetics, candles, tupperware and other side business products via work email. 
• Subscribe other people's email addresses to sites that spam them. 
• Send 10mb or larger files via email
• Send emailed documents in weird formats that can't be opened. 
• Ask people to email back completed forms but they are not editable online and have to printed. 
• Accumulate shared cups, crockery and cutlery in your office. Don't wash up your dishes ever. Leave them on the sink for the dish fairy to do. 
• Ignore urgent emails. 
• Leave passive aggressive notes for work colleagues. 
• Leave staff members off your Christmas function invitation list. 
• Request read receipts on every email. 
• Give crappy generic Kris Kringle presents like chocolate or soap. Regift from previous year. Better yet, make sure the present is totally unlike the person you're giving it too and spell their name wrong while you're at it! 
• If you work in the finance department, argue every single expense and refuse to reimburse employees. Be a pedant over the cost of a postage stamp. 
• Play your personal music in the office loudly. It's best if its a crappy one-hit-wonder earworm or insufferable Christian rock. 
• Never close doors behind you. 
• If the communal photocopier runs out of paper in one tray, just change to the other tray. Don't fill the empty one, even though the reams of paper are right behind you. Just leave the photocopier if it jams. 

Public transport

Pic by SuperKaninja on Deviant Art

• Empty bus? No worries. Sit next to the only other passenger there. 
• Have really loud conversations on your phone
• Strike up conversations with people who are clearly not interested in talking (ie. studying, reading, wearing headphones)
• Wait until you get right to the ticket machine before getting your ticket or money out. This is best when your purse/wallet is at the bottom of a Mary Poppins-style handbag and there's a long line behind you. Old people, pay for your bus fare in small coins and then keep putting the ticket in the machine the wrong way. 
• If you're a school kid, leave your backpack on when you have to stand on the bus, so you hit the seated passengers in the head with it. 
• Try and get on the bus before the exiting passengers have gotten off. 
• Ladies, put your tiny handbags in the luggage storage, especially on airport shuttle buses. 
• Don't stand for the elderly or infirmed
• Don't wear deodorant. Ever. Or travel in your gym clothes straight after an intensive workout without showering. This is best on those airtight buses without windows. Ladies, bathe in your perfume. 
• Don't hold manual doors open for the person behind you. 
• Eat your stinky food on the bus. 
• Play shitty house music on your iPod loud enough for the whole bus to hear. 
• Hold up the driver asking questions about connecting buses that you can find out via phone, internet or visiting the metro office. Make sure the bus is five minutes late by the time you've finished. 
• Push in lines to get on. 
• Smoke at bus shelters. 

Parents

• Let your child play in the aisles at shopping centres. In fact, let them treat everywhere like a playground. Bitch when restaurants and businesses call you out on it and then leave them a bad product review online. 
• Take your screaming child to the theatre
• Drive like a wanker with a 'Baby on Board' sign in your back window. I don't give a fuck that you have a baby or about your stick figure family. I deserve to live as much as you do. 
• See 'On The Roads'
• Treat everyone like you have more rights because you're a parent (ie. aforementioned Parent Parks)
• Tell childless adults that they're missing out. Make them feel like crap for not having bred, implying that their life is meaningless and unimportant. Say things to them like 'you don't know what tired is' and imply that the childless person has it easy by default. 
• Don't clean up after your child in public toilets. Too bad if your child peed on the floor or didn't put their paper towel in the bin. 
• Leave a mess in fast food restaurants with sauce, overturned food and spilled drinks but just leave it for the poor workers. Make sure the mess ends up on the chairs too. 
• Post 15,000 photos of your child on Facebook. Make sure everyone knows your child's potty training moments in detail. 
• Blame your kid's teachers for your kid's poor grades when they have missed classes, not handed up homework and are generally a below average student. 
• Be a fucking anti-vaxxer, you moronic selfish excuse of a human who was awarded the degree of the Bachelor of Memes from the University of Google. Who do you think you are, implying that you know more than the hundreds of thousands of MEDICAL DOCTORS and IMMUNOLOGISTS with PhDs and hundreds of collective years of study. Oh, but Jenny McCarthy and your equally moronic 'Mummy Group' on FB said vaccines cause autism (they don't) and they contain dihydrogen monoxide (ha!) so the 'research' you said you're doing MUST be valid. Just because it is 'your right to choose for your family' doesn't make you not a selfish ignorant jerk who doesn't give a fuck about anyone but themselves and wilfully encourages dangerous, previously near-eradicated preventable diseases to reappear. I think that just as you have the right to choose not to vaccinate, schools should have the right not to accept your little disease incubator's enrolment and doctors and hospitals should have the right to choose not to treat you or your child for that broken wrist or stomach pain because, well, what would those doctors know, eh? You shouldn't be allowed those antibiotics for that bout of tonsillitis or painkillers after an appendectomy because Big Pharma can't be trusted, right? You can go treat that painful kidney stone with herbs and prayer and sunshine and puppies. And when a cancer vaccine is finally developed, you should be denied access to it. And good luck getting medical insurance or claiming your medical bills via Medicare. This should be refusal criteria.  Ha, rant over! 
• Name your kid a perfectly normal name but spell it like a dickhead: Mykal (Michael), Madasyn (Madison). Then get annoyed when people mispronounce it or spell it wrong. Or mistake your child for a boy.  You can't help that you're a bogan. Or how about the new trend of naming your millenium born child an old fashioned old person name like Ethel or Beryl or Norm or Walter or Blanche. Just because you want to be different, your child should have to endure a name the same as the local lawnbowls captain.

At the ice rink

• If you're a high level skater, wait until they have swept the ice on the beginner rink and then deliberately dig your toepick into the surface several times right before beginner classes get on. If you're a hockey player, destroy new surfaces by practicing hockey stops right before a freestyle session
• Parents, ignore all signs and try and coach your child during their skating lesson
• Parents, brag about how much your child's costume cost. Or how much weight they've lost. 
• Don't watch where you are going when you're skating backwards
• Practice camel spins and spirals in public sessions
• Coaches, instruct your Tiny Tots classes to skate right next to the adult skater practicing spin entries
• Piss on the rubber floor mats in the toilets
• Tie ridiculous knots in hire skate laces
• Skate with the frames right in front of others and then leave them in the middle of the ice
• Skate really fast around obvious beginners to indimidate them.

Musicians

• Expect other musicians to work for you for exposure
• Never mark your parts in rehearsal. That way, you can waste valuable rehearsal time asking the same questions every week. 
• Talk during rehearsal and then play in the wrong place because you missed the instruction
• Mark other people's original music in 2H or harder pencil
• Never adjust your tuning. Always assume you're the correct one. 
• Forget normal important rehearsal tools like a pencil or a music stand. Never tell the conductor you're missing a piece of vital equipment until we're ready to start. 
• Don't come to a gig in the required dress code. When the gig says formal blacks, come in harem pants or jeans. Wear pinstripe pants and white socks to marching gigs. Don't iron uniform shirts.
• Be difficult and inflexible when trying to find a mutual rehearsal time. Your cousin's friend's former roommate's 23rd birthday should come first, right? 
• Rehearsal is baton down at 6? Show up at 5:58 even though you have several pieces of equipment to set up. Make sure the rehearsal has to wait for you. 
• Percussionist? Don't ever get your driver's license. 

Online

• Give yourself a stupid name on Facebook and then keep changing it so that people continually question who you are. 
• Be one of THOSE Youtube commenters
• 'Like' literally every single status you read and share every article you find so that everyone receives a newsfeed article about it. Share posts like "@A has to buy you a hamburger" as you can't unfollow those things. 
• Admin on a FB page? Like statuses going back 10 years so that other admins get the notifications! 
• Tag people in horrible photos that you know they won't like
• Share clickbait
• Copy and paste those hoax statuses without checking Hoaxslayer or Snopes first
• Post spoilers of shows and new movies on Facebook. Punish those who refuse to steal other people's intellectual property by spoiling every episode of their favourite show the moment it airs in the US. 
• Vaguebook. All. The. Time. 
• Don't reject friend requests - just pretend you haven't seen it and leave them hanging
• Post Instagram filtered sexy selfies as your profile pic and fish for compliments
• Constantly post inspirational quotes or pictures of your food or memes about being a bitch. 
• Unfriend someone immediately if they start to disagree with you - don't give them a change to retaliate. 

Pet owners

• Don't pick up your dog's faeces in public parks and the beach
• Let your dog jump up on other people
• Don't stop your dog from trying to hump other dogs or peoples' legs. 
• Give your dogs away when you have children because they're suddenly too much work, a burden and oh yeah, they're not cute puppies anymore. 
• Tie your dog up in the backyard. 
• Sell your dog for a shitload as a purebread Pugalier x Maltese Shitzu. Because four breeds in one is still purebred and worth a lot, right? It's not a mutt, at all. 
• Buy your kids puppies for Christmas
• Don't desex your randy tomcat and let your unspayed female cats continue to breed more unwanted kittens
• Let your cats roam the street at night
• Leave your dogs outside in 40 degrees all day
• Let your dogs bark. All the time. Encourage continual yapping. 

Miscellaneous

• Dog-ear books you borrow from other bibliophiles
• Lose pieces of other people's jigsaw puzzles
• Vegans, make sure you lecture non-vegetarians all the time and post memes comparing meat eaters to genocidal dictators or the Ku Klux Klan
• Christians, pretend you are helping others in need by simply saying 'I'll pray for you' instead of doing something real and tangible (See; #PrayforParis). When someone I love is dying of cancer, I want to hold their hand, not sit at home and pray for a deity I have no proof even exists. 
• Chew loudly in restaurants. 
• Take selfies at scenes of tragedy
• Send food back every time you order something. Make the waiting staff feel guilty for something you know is not their fault. In fact, complain a lot. Because the uncomfortable feeling of apologising to a grumpy customer is how every hospitality worker wants to feel every evening of their life. 
• Put IOUs in other people's charity chocolate boxes. 
• Stand in doorways to have your conversation
• Throw your cigarette butts out the window of your car. 
• Ask annoying, pointless and long winded questions in lectures
• Leave butter in the vegemite and toast crumbs in the butter. 
• When someone corrects your grammar, get all defensive and blame being poor as a child as the reason you don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're', even though you're a grown adult. 
• Be chronically late and think it's ok. Be a rude jerk who doesn't care. Pretend it's something you can't help and imply it's like an illness, instead of a choice. 
• Send glittered invites in the mail. 
• Take off your shoes on planes and in movie theatres because everyone wants to smell your feet. 
• Spend a dinner with friends on your mobile phone. 
• Send someone a text message asking them to call you when you haven't tried calling yourself
• Stand right next to the baggage carousel at the airport instead of standing back so others can see their bags coming as well. 
• ALWAYS choose to use the plane toilet five minutes after food has been delivered to passengers. It is best when you're in a window seat. 
• Posties, always make sure mail isn't completely inside the mailbox on rainy days. 
• Whinge about being broke but then post your pictures from the beach in Bali