SPANNER THE BAD ASSED MOTHER.....Here's a series of poems I wrote a few years ago for Spanner. I meant them in the most affectionate way possible. (as all my teasing of him is.....)
The Candy Man
Many times at Woodville Band
Dear old Steve did bring
A bulging bag filled up with sweets
For impressionable young things.
Parents, beware of this old man
For he has an obvious knack
Of offering their young daughters
Too many sugared snacks
We all think he brings them
In a desperate cling to youth.
But we all know Spanner far too well
And he cannot hide the truth.
No amount of lollies will turn him
Into a young and youthful guy
For Spanner is over double their age
And the pension is drawing nigh…
We think he has a problem
An addiction, if you must.
He may need to join a support group
To conquer this glucose lust.
Weeds, Glorious Weeds!!
Backyard Blitz, Backyard Blitz!
Come and save this man!
Steve’s garden is disgraceful
And he really needs a hand!
The weeds are taking over
And the ground is completely dry
Come make his garden beautiful
Before the trees curl up and die!
The best idea was a soothing spa
For him and eleven chicks
But power problems halted that
So it was given the flick!
It’s a shame Steve’s garden is awful
As he has a lovely place
But Spanner has a blackened thumb
And its such a tragic place!
The dirt mound needs to disappear
Its replacement? A calming pond.
But at the moment, it’s only hope
Is a fairy’s magic wand.
Jamie Durie, please come now
And fix this lump of dirt!!
Spanner could really use your help
What you’d do could NEVER hurt!!
SAILING THE SEVEN SEAS
I want to go on Steve’s non-boat
And sail the seven seas.
I love that giant invisible sail
That catches the wind with ease.
The transparent rudder cuts through waves
And directs it on its way.
It’s a pity the boat just doesn’t exist
Oh well, another day….
The berth he’s bought is wide and deep
To store the galant boat.
Steve’s paying for a bit of sea
So his dream can proudly float.
It’s very nice and cool and all
To have your own boat dock
But what’s the point if the boat is pretend
And the emptiness is mocked!
THE THRILL OF THE RIDE
Spanner sits at home at 3am
With his uniform on, all ready to go
If he could, he’d work and pay them.
He just doesn’t know how to say no!
He loves the sound of the engine’s roar
And the sound of the wheels against rails.
If work calls, he’s straight out the door!
In comparison, all other work pales.
He loves scraping dead cows off the front of the train
For him, it’s the thrill of the day.
He’s always got the love of work on the brain
Although, to us, he’ll never say.
For Spanner, the railway’s in his mind
Night and day, week by year.
He wants to work badly, I’m sure you’ll find
So ARG, call! He’s already in his gear!
BEWARE: THE ONE ARMED BANDIT!
So many coins lost, so little money won…
The pokies have bled Spanner dry.
He’s put so much cash in and come out with none
He’s such an impressionable guy!
The one-armed bandit strikes again
Taking his cash and crushing his pride
Turning 1000 dollars in 10
With no mercy on his side!
That alluring tinkling pokies tune
Is tempting to the end
It reels him in and very soon
He can no longer spend.
For all his money is quickly sent
Down the flashing money pit
And every single hard-earned cent
Is gone before he can spit!
The one-armed bandit is ruthless and hard
Like flushing your cash down the loo
So Spanner, be strong and on your guard
Cause the machines are out to get YOU!
Oh, how I miss those days of taking the piss out of the old bugger. But I still love him dearly!
The Candy Man
Many times at Woodville Band
Dear old Steve did bring
A bulging bag filled up with sweets
For impressionable young things.
Parents, beware of this old man
For he has an obvious knack
Of offering their young daughters
Too many sugared snacks
We all think he brings them
In a desperate cling to youth.
But we all know Spanner far too well
And he cannot hide the truth.
No amount of lollies will turn him
Into a young and youthful guy
For Spanner is over double their age
And the pension is drawing nigh…
We think he has a problem
An addiction, if you must.
He may need to join a support group
To conquer this glucose lust.
Weeds, Glorious Weeds!!
Backyard Blitz, Backyard Blitz!
Come and save this man!
Steve’s garden is disgraceful
And he really needs a hand!
The weeds are taking over
And the ground is completely dry
Come make his garden beautiful
Before the trees curl up and die!
The best idea was a soothing spa
For him and eleven chicks
But power problems halted that
So it was given the flick!
It’s a shame Steve’s garden is awful
As he has a lovely place
But Spanner has a blackened thumb
And its such a tragic place!
The dirt mound needs to disappear
Its replacement? A calming pond.
But at the moment, it’s only hope
Is a fairy’s magic wand.
Jamie Durie, please come now
And fix this lump of dirt!!
Spanner could really use your help
What you’d do could NEVER hurt!!
SAILING THE SEVEN SEAS
I want to go on Steve’s non-boat
And sail the seven seas.
I love that giant invisible sail
That catches the wind with ease.
The transparent rudder cuts through waves
And directs it on its way.
It’s a pity the boat just doesn’t exist
Oh well, another day….
The berth he’s bought is wide and deep
To store the galant boat.
Steve’s paying for a bit of sea
So his dream can proudly float.
It’s very nice and cool and all
To have your own boat dock
But what’s the point if the boat is pretend
And the emptiness is mocked!
THE THRILL OF THE RIDE
Spanner sits at home at 3am
With his uniform on, all ready to go
If he could, he’d work and pay them.
He just doesn’t know how to say no!
He loves the sound of the engine’s roar
And the sound of the wheels against rails.
If work calls, he’s straight out the door!
In comparison, all other work pales.
He loves scraping dead cows off the front of the train
For him, it’s the thrill of the day.
He’s always got the love of work on the brain
Although, to us, he’ll never say.
For Spanner, the railway’s in his mind
Night and day, week by year.
He wants to work badly, I’m sure you’ll find
So ARG, call! He’s already in his gear!
BEWARE: THE ONE ARMED BANDIT!
So many coins lost, so little money won…
The pokies have bled Spanner dry.
He’s put so much cash in and come out with none
He’s such an impressionable guy!
The one-armed bandit strikes again
Taking his cash and crushing his pride
Turning 1000 dollars in 10
With no mercy on his side!
That alluring tinkling pokies tune
Is tempting to the end
It reels him in and very soon
He can no longer spend.
For all his money is quickly sent
Down the flashing money pit
And every single hard-earned cent
Is gone before he can spit!
The one-armed bandit is ruthless and hard
Like flushing your cash down the loo
So Spanner, be strong and on your guard
Cause the machines are out to get YOU!
Oh, how I miss those days of taking the piss out of the old bugger. But I still love him dearly!
PS. I have a second blog I Shall Call Him Stan And He Shall Be My Stan about all things clarinet-y and saxophone-y. For all you music nerds!
3 comments:
I have just had an argument with someone that the removal of music lessons that students have individually with music teachers essentially means that those that cannot afford those classes privately are prevented from becoming professional (orchestral) musicians.
His take on it was that these classes were unnecessary to become professional orchestral players. That the real effort was your own dedication to practice rather than someone teaching you to play your instrument.
My rebuttal was that although you may have spent hours practicing, it doesn't help if you have been practicing the wrong thing. Which is the job of the teacher, yes?
As someone who is in that field and teaches that field, what is your perspective on this issue?
You are absolutely right. I'm assuming you're talking about the removal of the IMS. It is absolutely essential that you have proper instruction in order to become a professional musician, often to a postgraduate level. If you practice something incorrectly, it's much harder to correct it and you need proper instruction on technique as it is quite specific and detrimental to tonal quality, intonation, stylistic awareness. Practice, of course, is wholly important but without instruction, it can be counter-productive too.
Just out of interest, this person you argued with....is he in any way involved in instrumental music? Because often it's the people that AREN'T musicians or teachers of music that do the most damage to the music industry and music education (like what has happened with the IMS).
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