Nix's Winter 'What's Hot' and 'What's Not' column

What's Hot

1. Asking police officers if they like donuts. He he he... I recently asked two that I know. One (a police prosecutor) laughed heartily. The other didn't. She had no sense of humour!!!

2. Snapping the elastic on someone's underwear. It's fun and it annoys the crap out of the recipient. Could there be a better pastime? I don't think so.....

3. Stickers. I love stickers. I bought some the other day for my students but now I can't stop putting them on stuff. My phone is covered, so is my diary. I'm one step away from buying a whole new set for myself. They are so cute and shiny. ....geez, what am I, five????!!!

4. Pig products. I love bacon and pork and ham. I think I was the only one watching Babe and actually thinking "mmmm, roast pork with potatoes"....

5. The fact that I don't have to endure the pathetic bitchiness of the con ever again!!!! Let me tell you, I got so sick of dealing with the staff favouritism (and we all know who the culprits are of that one). I was fed up with the two-faced nature of particular staff members, the students who don't support each other but just bitch and moan, don't take any constructive criticism, are nasty to each other for little or poor reason, backstab instead of helping each other, and waste their time in the bar instead of practicing, wasting tax payer dollars whittling away their time and (usually government) money at uni on beer. And most of all, the fact that noone mingles outside of their instrument group or in the community music scene. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot - it limits your contacts in the outside world and limits your prospects as a versatile employee in the music scene.

At least I can safely say that I did my upmost to pass my years at uni (all 9 of them) and I didn't waste my 6 years in Adelaide Uni Bar. I have no sympathy for those who get stressed over their uni exams or assignments because they haven't practiced or studied enough. Tough shit - you didn't put the work in. Maybe you should have tried harder. Or in some cases, you're just not suited to music. Deal with it. People like that are making Adelaide's music degrees look really bad on a national level!!!!! I went to nationals this year in Brisbane and met a 2nd year clarinet student called Brendan at the Queensland Con. He was adorable - very friendly and full of compliments. We swapped email addresses and I fully intend to keep in contact with this guy. It was so nice to meet a friendly future player of the clarinet. He had enormous potential as a professional player but was still humble enough to be friendly to someone who wasn't as good as him and offer support and guidance. This is a rarity at the con because everybody is so far up themselves, it's hard to see straight. Of course, there are a few exceptions (Turkey is a trooper, for example) but it's such a horrible pattern.

I'm so pleased I'm not there. It's a weight off my shoulders. Because there is a happier life outside of the con.

What's Not

1. People who name their kids STUPID REDNECK TRAILER-TRASH NAMES. At one school I teach at, there are several variations of one name, only they change the first letter. So ridiculous! The real name is Aiden - but at this school, there's two Haydens, three Braydens, five Jaydens, one Kayden (kayden?????? You have to be kidding me!) and even a Cailan. They are not names, people!!! They belong in Dr Seuss.

Even worse is when parents just give their kids place names as christian names. There is a whole family there with kids named after American states: Montana, Dakota, Georgia and the worst, a country - Jamaica. It makes me want to vomit. The worst bit about it is that the kids have Balkan parents so it doesn't even fit with their background.

And then there's my pet hate - when they give them a normal name but spell it phonetically. Here are a few at this school: Jazminn, Mikayla, Jaymes, Jorja, Kristle....

It's not creative, people. It just makes you look like an ill-educated idiot who can't spell! I remember an ex telling me that someone named their kid after them, only they had no idea how to spell it so the poor kid has a normal name spelled wrong on their birth certificate.

2. The fact that people think they already know my nationality and occupation based on my first name (in nickname). Why does Nicky automatically denote Mediterranean flight attendant. That's why I like Nicole. At least it's relatively generic and you don't have people casting aspersions on your IQ based on your 'dumb airhead' first name.

3. Putting bumper stickers on your car that are humourless and pointless. Whoever came up with the 'porn star' bumper sticker must be cacking their pants right now! Why would you want a sticker that says that on your car? a) It's not true. b) Even if it were, why would you advertise it. c) Why is it suddenly cool to be a 'porn star'? And then there's all the different 'bitch' bumper stickers. Talk about advertising yourself badly. What the hell is the point?

My brother has the right idea. He wants to come up with stupid t-shirts that say pointless words cos there is bound to be dumb ass losers with too much money to spend who would buy them.

4. Being a celebrity for doing absolutely nothing. Anna Nicole Smith was the perfect example of someone who was famous for being famous. These people had/have MILLIONS! People like Corey Worthington proved to us that society has gone friggin nuts when someone can gain success for being a disrespectful, juvenile little shit. The Big Brother contestants go one further because when they come out the house, they don't really have a huge amount to offer as celebrities. (albeit even C Grade celebrities). I'm not saying that they wouldn't be fantastic lawyers or tax accountants or McDonalds drive thru attendants. They are just not celebrity material - why? Because anyone with an ounce of confidence, talent or dignity to withstand the scrutiny of the public eye would not be putting themselves on a tv show like that. They wouldn't need to.

5. Sack dresses. What is with the dresses that are 'fashion' now. The whole, 'one tube' thing with a belt. I've made jokes about long strapless tops with belts before but now it's actually happened. It's one stop away from the granny dress! Horrible. It's not flattering, clings in all the wrong places for anyone who has even an ounce of a hip or a chest and is usually made out of the cheapest, ugliest material. Taste? Whatever happened to taste? A couple of years ago, fashion looked promising but I knew it was too good to be true.