The Trouble Makers in The Back Row

THE REQUIREMENTS OF TEAM THIRD MEMBERS

In order to be a true Team Third member is not simply the playing of the 3rd part of any section of the band but also in several other important requirements.

1. You must have sat in the second row, not the front, for an extended period of time so as to successful carry out your troublemaking without being seen.

2. You must have the suspicion of the musical director at all times that you and the people sitting next to you are 'up to no good'.

3. You must deface the music, changing directions, titles, composer names to inappropriate ones approximating the original. The dirtier the better. Good examples are: Sergeant Leper's Falling Off Parts Club Band; Music for a Testicle, Lawrence has Rabies, Champignon of The Peas, Amazing Grapes (by Ticheli Me Elmo). The movements of the Fifth Suite for Band entitled Down Hoe, Whore and my personal favourite: 'It's In Six, Fuckers! And you are not a true Team Third member unless you have been told off about it because you have defaced music belonging to Pembroke, Walford, the Police Band.... One very exciting Police Band Team Third nominee is the person who changed 'John Come Kisse Me Now' to 'John Kisse Me Come Now!'

4. You must discuss topics during lulls in the music (ie when the MD stops to discuss a section with another instrument group) that have no relation to the music being played. Preferably non music related topics. Even better is discussing these topics while the MD stops to pick on YOUR section. Be defiant when the MD points out your lack of concentration and attention. Ignore him whenever you can. Refuse to play a section when he/she asks because you haven't practiced it and can't be assed.

5. Spend at least 50% of post-performance evenings at the pub. You must be available to attend coffee club meetings as a bitch session about said MD.

6. Tune your concert Bb to perfection before the rehearsal so that you can comfortably play out of tune for the rest of the rehearsal/performance with a clear conscience.

7. Never have a pencil ready unless it is to deface music. Never mark music related scribbles on the score.

Any questions, visit the 'I'm a Proud Member of Team Third' facebook group. Spread the love!