The biggest conspiracy in the world is not who shot JFK. Or if there's extraterrestrial life. Or what happened to Azaria Chamberlain. Or that Elvis is not dead but instead lap dancing in Vegas. No, no, no, don't be deceived. It's really the actual purpose of Valentine's Day.
Firstly, what do people believe Valentine's Day is? It's easy, right? A day for couples to be all schmaltzy and shower their loved ones with gifts on the most romantic day on earth, right? WRONG! These poor misguided fools are told to celebrate a day that was first introduced in honour of a priest (an amusing irony) who is now six foot under - now isn't that romantic?
Valentine's Day is a ploy to remind poor single people of the fact that they're pathetic and alone. Whilst those who are lucky enough to be 'taken' on the 14th Feb are receiving flowers, sweet goodies or getting laid, those poor bastards who admit to sitting on Facebook on a Saturday night or watching Midsomer Murders are lucky to receive cards from themselves.
Except, of course, if it's from a big fat tattooed guy called LuvGod121.
To top it off, radio stations like PatheticFM, play that contemporary adult shit where you have to put your fingers in your ears to prevent the obligatory vomit from all the sickliness. But the singletons are not the only ones who are affected. The lovestruck romantics of this world are the ones that are cheated. These naive lovebirds are fooled into believing that it is their obligation to carry out the expectations of Valentines Day, spending money on chocolates, flowers and stuffed toys, not to mention lingerie that will only be worn once a year because the rest of the year will be spent tearing each other's throats out.
I'm waiting for the day that the government wake up to the realities of Valentine's Day's destruction by creating a day to which we can all relate. A day in which couples are expected to express their displeasure, hatred, disgust and dislike for their spouse/lover/significant other in order to increase sales of poison, kitchen utensils, firearms, hardware and the employment of marital counsellors and solicitors.
I call it Loreena Bobbitt Day.
****Disclaimer: I'm really just a cynic but in all honesty....boys, you can shower me with gifts any time if you really want****
PS. This chick on the Net pointed out that St Valentine was actually the Patron Saint of Epilepsy and Plague. How friggin' romantic?
Firstly, what do people believe Valentine's Day is? It's easy, right? A day for couples to be all schmaltzy and shower their loved ones with gifts on the most romantic day on earth, right? WRONG! These poor misguided fools are told to celebrate a day that was first introduced in honour of a priest (an amusing irony) who is now six foot under - now isn't that romantic?
Valentine's Day is a ploy to remind poor single people of the fact that they're pathetic and alone. Whilst those who are lucky enough to be 'taken' on the 14th Feb are receiving flowers, sweet goodies or getting laid, those poor bastards who admit to sitting on Facebook on a Saturday night or watching Midsomer Murders are lucky to receive cards from themselves.
Except, of course, if it's from a big fat tattooed guy called LuvGod121.
To top it off, radio stations like PatheticFM, play that contemporary adult shit where you have to put your fingers in your ears to prevent the obligatory vomit from all the sickliness. But the singletons are not the only ones who are affected. The lovestruck romantics of this world are the ones that are cheated. These naive lovebirds are fooled into believing that it is their obligation to carry out the expectations of Valentines Day, spending money on chocolates, flowers and stuffed toys, not to mention lingerie that will only be worn once a year because the rest of the year will be spent tearing each other's throats out.
I'm waiting for the day that the government wake up to the realities of Valentine's Day's destruction by creating a day to which we can all relate. A day in which couples are expected to express their displeasure, hatred, disgust and dislike for their spouse/lover/significant other in order to increase sales of poison, kitchen utensils, firearms, hardware and the employment of marital counsellors and solicitors.
I call it Loreena Bobbitt Day.
****Disclaimer: I'm really just a cynic but in all honesty....boys, you can shower me with gifts any time if you really want****
PS. This chick on the Net pointed out that St Valentine was actually the Patron Saint of Epilepsy and Plague. How friggin' romantic?
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