Everybody gets stressed and nervous at some point in their lives - everyone goes through a feeling of being nervous about speaking publicly, or going to events where they don't know anyone, or stresses over work or school or family.
This is NOT the same as an anxiety disorder. Generalised anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder is a condition that hits you 24/7, sometimes for no discernable reason and is not just a feeling of being nervous. Even though I am on treatments for this, here are some of the things I simply cannot cope with and will set me off without any notice....
1. Social gatherings
Gatherings at which I only know a few people, or less. This can be enhanced when none of the guests are particularly close friends. Most people wouldn't even know this about me because I try my absolute hardest to cover it up and sometimes try and be the life of the party to compensate but most of the time, I'm looking for a way out, dying inside. I barely even cope these days at functions in which I know the guests really well. If I don't make your social function, it's not because I don't want to go - sometimes I am dying to want to feel okay about it and I desperately want the company - but I just can't face it. Depression is a bitch that exacerbates this too!
2. Being late to anything.
This is particularly bad when it is someone else's fault that we're late and it is out of my control. I hate the feeling of not being prepared, of walking into a room that's already full of people, of missing out on something important that may happen in that one minute. Please don't make me late to anything. If I say I want to leave at 7:34pm, then please be ready to leave then.
3. Making phone calls or talking on the phone
The only people I'm comfortable talking to on the phone are Mum and my partner. I was a telephonist for many years and it was hell on earth. The only saving grace with that was that I didn't have to be personal and usually I kept the phone call to an absolute minimum. Making calls to businesses or clients = ugh! I am much more comfortable if you text or email me. I don't even answer phone calls for which I don't recognise the number, just in case it's a debt collector or someone calling to get angry with me.
4. Small talk.
I just can't cope with small talk. I don't want to know about the weather or how 'you are' when you're not going to give a true answer. Talk to me, argue even, about the environment, religion, politics, music, art, history, the meaning of life... just don't do small talk! I don't want to answer 'how are you?' as you really don't want to hear the real answer, trust me!
5. Flying.
I have a lot of pretty irrational fears. I'm scared of birds and their sharp talons and pecky beaks. Chickens freak me out. I hate clowns and popping balloons and spiders. I feel incredibly uncomfortable in crowds and being stuck in elevators. But most of all, I absolutely hate flying. My heart races uncontrollably from the moment I enter the cabin to the second I get into the terminal. I don't know whether its the fact that I can't get out once we're up there, the fact that we rely on one/two people for our lives or the pressure in the cabin but I hate it.
6. Excess repetitive noise and smells
The sound of crunching ice or cereal, slurping drinks, snoring/heavy sleep breathing and the strong smell of strong sauces, fish and citrus fruit make my skin crawl. I literally get the hairs on my arms standing on end. I particularly feel my stress levels increase when my boss eats her heated lunch in the office.
7. Religious services of any kind, including weddings.
I am not a fan of any weddings, religious or secular, in general but being of no religion, I find religious ceremonies/services of any kind stressful and awkward. This can be a bit of an occupational hazard, working in a Christian school. I have coped for many years, partly by unintentional avoidance (I've been lucky to have not been available for morning devotion for many years) and I have always upheld the ethos of the school as part of my employment and out of respect for the school and its teachers/students, but religious rituals like communion and prayer make me very anxious. I would never disrespect those who do have those beliefs but making me participate makes me very uncomfortable.
8. Being a passenger in a car
I think this may be link to being out of control. When I'm a passenger, I have no control over the actions of the person driving and this makes me very stressed. I do 'invisible breaking' which I actually feel in my calves afterwards and I just can't relax. I'd prefer to drive myself where possible.
9. My own dreams.
Ever since I was a teenager, I have had very vivid dreams and nightmares. They are quite often realistic, violent or disturbing, the kind that linger with me for days and I've often woken up drained and upset and not able to forget them easily. Once I had a dream that my grandfather was chasing us with an axe. so yeah, not nice.
10. Job interviews.
I can't stand the scrutiny of job interviews. I am qualified for the job - you can see that by the resume. I am a nervous shy person and I never come across well because of this, even though I would be an excellent employee. I've been known to be so nervous about a job interview that I haven't shown up.
11. Walking.
This is absolutely ridiculous and I know it is irrational but when I was about 12-13, my siblings told me that I was pigeon-toed (I wasn't - they were just teasing shitheads) but every since, I haven't been able to walk without thinking about my feet. I know, it's insane. But walking causes me anxiety.
12. Worrying about what people are saying about me when I'm not around
Modern day message chats make this ten times worse because people can screenshot your words and share with others. I always overanalyse but sometimes it is warranted after getting bullied by an anonymous person online.
13. Being the decision maker
My partner is the worst decision maker on earth. He leaves it up to me and I hate it. I hate deciding what to have for dinner, where to go for a Sunday drive, what to watch at the movies. I hate the responsibility because of course, I overanalyse whether I have made the right decision.
14. Going to a doctor
I always feel like they think I'm faking or a hypochondriac. I absolutely hate that question 'rate your pain out of ten' because I always understate it because I feel that they will think I'm faking it if I say what I truly think. I would rather suffer in pain in silence rather than go to a doctor only to be told I have a somatic pain disorder and not be taken seriously. It's truly overwhelming. Too many doctors not willing to continue to get to the bottom of my back pain issues, too many that just give up without trying. I'm not a drug seeker - in fact I hate taking medication. But I get treated like it. I've been told it's 'in my head'. It's not. I'm sick of it.
I suffered with a bleeding, seeping sore the size of an apple on my arm for three years because the doctor couldn't be bothered investigating it. I got diagnoses of 'scratching myself', 'school sores' and mosquito bite. It was a known treatable allergy when finally someone did something about it - in the meantime, I could have got a raging infection from it - it was NASTY!
15. Surprises
I don't like them at all. I don't like not knowing. I read spoilers of movies and tv shows. I read the ends of books first - because what if the book ends badly, then I would have wasted my time and been disappointed. I particularly hate when someone asks me to 'guess'.
16. My appearance
I am constantly worried that people are judging me for my bad skin or the hair on my face (hormonal) or that I smell bad. Or that the top I'm wearing makes me look pregnant. A couple of kids pointed out my 'moustache' once and I haven't stopped worrying about that since. I can't help it, I can't control it but it is a big source of anxiety.
17. Disorder
I'm quite untidy physically but I'm not disorganised. There is organised chaos. An askew bookcase or a CD/DVD that is not in some semblance of an order/logic bothers me a lot. My partner bungs things in the cupboard willy-nilly - it drives me nuts. I organise the pantry and then he messes it up in five seconds. He stacks plates in random size orders rather than in a logical order. He keeps plastic spoons in the teaspoon compartment. I can't stand it!
No comments:
Post a Comment