Nix's Summer 'What's Hot' and 'What's Not' Column!

WHAT'S HOT

1. Teenage boys running for buses.

There is something so amusing about gangly, gawky early teenage boys running to catch buses. They always seem to have their backpacks on their back bouncing up and down and it always makes me giggle. I really feel tempted to yell out 'Run Forrest Run!'..... equally are girls who run with windmill arms! There was this girl running down Walkerville Terrace the other day like this. I wish I'd had a video camera. He he he.... I saw a guy running like a girl the other day and had a bit of a chuckle. Edgy wasn't as amused as I was. No sense of humour. :)

2. Books about band geeks.

I have been reading lots of books about American concert and marching bands lately - some are unspeakably awful, I hate to admit. Some people know what has sparked this interest for me but it is particularly cool for me to read about people who are just like me - a little too geeky and band-obsessed. But it reminds me that I'm not alone out there.

3. Puppies with funny barks.

There was this dog outside a Stirling cafe the other morning tied to a post. Another dog came past and this little pug started barking. It was the most hilarious sound I have ever heard! It was a snuffly, squash-nose-combined-with-phlegm bark! It was very similar to this dog's bark..... so funny!

4. Finding a good reed.

I know this sounds quite sad and geeky but getting a good reed is very exciting. They cost so much and yet most of them are useless even straight out of the box. Don't even START me on the problems I've had since I changed mouthpieces. I have been battling with reeds that sound like a goose for a number of months and finally yesterday I found one that was alright. And thanks to reading the band nerd books, I found this cartoon that confirms my views:

But a bad reed can be the bane of a wind player's existence. One of the rare amusing memories I have of the con is when a certain bassoon player pinned up a bassoon reed on the woodwind noticeboard in 3 separate pieces. Underneath, she had put a note: 'Let this be a warning to all reeds: Behave OR ELSE!'. So true, so true..... Better to break the reed against the wall than throw the clarinet like one clarinet player I know, no names mentioned!

5. Coffee places that make REAL lattes.

And I don't mean cappuccinos without the chocolate!!!

What part of 'lattes do not have foam!' do coffee franchises not understand? A latte should be mostly milk but not foam! To the people at Hudsons - cappuccinos, lattes and flat whites should be different, not exactly the same!!!

The lovely ladies at Unruly Tabouli in Golden Grove seem to understand this so why can't Hudsons or Gloria Jeans or all the other coffee places (that generally do half-ass coffees anyway that are cold or burnt or too hot or curdled anyway). There is nothing quite like a good coffee, when the barista takes their time so that the coffee doesn't burn, warm the milk without curdling it, lets the coffee brew properly. I will pay more for it if its better and also if they give better service like the above G.G Village establishment where the girls remember my order every week and give service with a smile. Quality is better than quantity!


What's NOT

1. People who do not rsvp to invitations.

This is so friggin rude! It is totally impolite when somebody invites you to a party or function (especially when it is a special function which requires booking) and they don't respond. All it takes is a five second text message or email apology if you can't make it. I don't think this is much to ask really. The problem is that online social websites like Facebook have made it easier for people to just rsvp to functions without giving a polite explanation of why they can't make it or even a simple one word 'sorry'. It appears that, ironically, with this social network that should aid in communication, people have become socially inconsiderate. And no matter how busy you are, you would expect at least SOMETHING from people you consider friends.

2. Smokers who throw cigarette butts out of car windows.

I saw the SES and CFS attending to the end of what looked like a small grass fire on the freeway just before the tunnels the other day which could have only been started by a cigarette. How completely irresponsible! What right do smokers think they have that they can litter when everything else is considered taboo? Smoking is a disgusting habit that they should subject themselves to and noone else but the rest of us seem to suffer with the smell, the passive smoking, the litter and all the other unpleasantries. Anyone caught throwing a butt on the ground should be fined, full stop. I don't care what excuse they have. If there's no bin, wrap it up and put it into your bag to dispose of it later. A police officer friend said that when she's on duty, she loves to pull over drivers who throw cigarette butts on the ground, pick up the cigarette butt and throw it back in the car saying 'I'm sorry, you dropped this!' You go, girl!

3. Andre Rieu

There are some truly wonderful violinists in Adelaide - Natsuko from the Grainger Quartet, anyone in the ASO and even some of the Elder Con students. Violinists that don't get the recognition they deserve. Some of the concerts done by Musica Viva, The ASO, The Australian String Quartet, The Grainger Quartet, the ACO don't get the audiences they deserve to get because of the supreme quality of music they provide.

And yet somebody as crass and kitsch as Andre Rieu infiltrates Adelaide with his vomit-inducing crap and pretends to be 'bringing class' to Adelaide. All the elderly ladies claim that they are getting a classy classical evening but there is nothing classy about a bloke who musically rapes some of the greatest compositions around. Even when the music is not Viennese or a waltz, he manages to turn it into both. He is a person of limited musical ability and if he really cared about the music, he wouldn't need the sets or the costumes but just the music. His tickets cost a ridiculous amount and he didn't sell out. Maybe this is because he underestimated the intelligence of Adelaideans. U2 sold out their concert at AAMI even though their tickets were the same price.

Just because he is a good businessman, doesn't make what he does right. And to those who begin to say 'when you sell out AAMI stadium, let me know', I would NEVER sell my soul, no matter how famous I'd ever become.

4. Songs on the radio that are lyrically COMPLETELY inappropriate for the age group they appeal to.

To give a few examples, in the last few months, there have been the following.....

Lady Ga Ga - Just Dance. To quote the lyrical content:

I've had a little bit too much, All of the people start to rush (start to rush by)
A dizzy twister dance, Can't find my drink or man , Where are my keys? I lost my phone
What's goin’ on, on the floor? I love this record baby but I can't see straight anymore keep it cool What’s the name of this club? I can't remember but its alright, a-alright

At a time when the government have been trying to target teenage binge drinking, have they LISTENED TO THIS SONG? Geez, this chick was on Rove promoting this song and she's all of ,what, 12???

And how about 'Take Me On The Floor' by the Veronicas. Ok, so the title is self-explanatory. The Veronicas' core audience are tweenies (ie 8-15 years old). These little bitches as pop icons have a friggin social responsibility to these kids and this is the message they're sending them??? They should be ashamed of themselves.

And then there's Usher's "Love In This Club" where the chorus lyrics are "I wanna make love in this club...' and other lyrics like: "If you didn’t know, you’re the only thing that’s on my mind
Cuz the way I'm staring miss you got me wantin to give it to you all night"

That song makes me wanna puke. Again, as a guy who was only 16-ish when he hit the big time and who appeals to teenagers, he has a responsibility to them to act appropriately and with lyrics like that, he is completely violating that. It makes me so angry.

5. Turning 30.

Turning thirty is bringing some harsh realities to light for me. I haven't really achieved much - I have no assets, no real financially secured income, I haven't even reached my playing or career goals despite 21 years of scholastic focus. It's a little depressing! I wish I could just freeze time right here and hold off until something happens and then press 'go' again when something is achieved so I can approach my 30th birthday with no regrets. But I don't think that's gonna happen somehow...

Cover Up Properly or GO AWAY!

As a general rule, I don't like music covers. I don't enjoy many of the performances that happen on Australian Idol due to this fact. Whilst I can appreciate the difficulty to perform many songs that are a lot more challenging than they appear, I don't understand why it is NECESSARY to cover somebody else's work. It's like gaining fame and money through somebody else's hard work....

I am a big fan of song writing. There are some fabulous songwriters - past and present, some extremely famous, some not-so-well-known. Those songwriters deserve to have their songs presented in a way that truly represents their vision and talent.

The majority of covers simply don't do that. Most covers either try to do one of two things:

1. To be a direct copy of the original ie. has anyone noticed how incredibly similar Le-Ann Rimes and Trisha Yearwood's versions of 'How Do I Live' sound? That can't be a coincidence...did Diane Warren stipulate that every version of her song had to sound EXACTLY the same???.

Many songs that appear on 'Coverville' are exactly that - copies.... I don't want to hear some 3rd rate American garage band covering an REM or a Radiohead or a U2 song. Why do I want to listen to somebody doing a half-assed, C grade version of a great song when I can just listen to the original? Most offer nothing new or original or creative - just copycats. They don't understand or utilise the lyrical content, make good use of the melodic or harmonic contours and don't understand the sentiments under which the song was written. It's no better than singing along to a karaoke dvd.

2. Even worse than the first, they try to present the song as is but with an annoying whiny vocalist and even more irritating techno beat or thrashy '90s Punk Rock riff that is neither imaginative nor pleasant to listen to. As an example, take a look at the horribly grating 'Heaven' dance cover of Bryan Adams that appeared a few years ago. Now not only did they thrust a talentless teenybopper as a vocalist on us who had the diction of someone with a tennis ball shoved down her throat ("I'm trying hard to BUHHHlieve we're in heavuuuuuuuhhhhn!") but that beat just pissed me off! It's bad enough having to listen to Bryan Adams sing it but bloody hell! And let's not forget Madonna and her unspeakably awful version of Don McLean's 'American Pie'. Let's just say, just because you CAN cover it, doesn't mean you should. Just because you like the song and enjoy singing it in the shower, doesn't mean you should record it for all to be subjected to what is usually complete insensitivity to the original. How stupid was the dance cover version of 'Boys Of Summer' - did they even listen to the lyrics? They just don't make sense when a girl sings them....

BUT....

In amongst the mounds of crap, you do occasionally find gems and here is a list of some of my favourite cover versions of some great songs.

Regina Spektor's version of the late great John Lennon's song "Real Love" is, to put it simply, just gorgeous. Spektor's voice is full of simultaneous fragility and raw energy and she really does this song justice. I believe she tried this live and it was met with such enthusiasm that she recorded it for charity. It's a mean feat to cover Lennon but she does such a beautiful job of it.

There are actually two cover versions of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that I think are worthy of this list: the first is the gorgeous Tori Amos. I love her version of this song - very Tori in its simplicity - and I think that she made this her own with great sensitivity to the chordal structure - it has all the same darkness despite its more ethereal mood. Apparently Kurt Cobain called this 'the great breakfast cereal version.' LOL. The other is the version that the jazz trio The Bad Plus brought out. What I love about this cover and all the others that The Bad Plus tackle is that they mess with the chords, making it essentially jazz-based without destroying the integrity of the song. It is clearly and noticeably the same song but when the 'outside' chords infiltrate the song, it always makes me laugh. I love it.

Michael Jackson is a hard one to cover because of the massive energy and showmanship that he brings to every song - its not just about the song - its the video, the dancing, the orchestration. So I was rather impressed with Alien Ant Farm's version of Smooth Criminal. Not one of the most airplayed MJ songs but anybody who likes music videos will remember the clip. The riff lends itself to thrashy guitars and I think it works very well. It's such a fun version that holds interest all the way through which is a feat in itself. I also am a big fan of Jean Paul Wabotai's version of Billie Jean. Like the great Bobby McFerrin, Wabotai creates the whole Michael Jackson classic vocally - from percussive effects (done on his body) to booming vocal bass - but he maintains his distinctive French-Zairean accent throughout. I am a big fan of this man (and Bobby McFerrin, I might add) and the kind of energy and love he brings to all his performance and this stood out for me as a great but unfortunately little-known cover. You should check this guy out if he ever performs near you!

There aren't many covers that I think can do the Beatles' songs justice but Cliff Bennett and The Rebel Rousers did a bloody good job with "Got To Get You Into My Life". In fact, I think I actually like this version better and clearly Paul McCartney thought it was worthy too as he produced it apparently. Cliff Bennett had a great voice and I love the fat horn sound in his version that the Beatles just lacked in their original, I think.

I love Metallica and have grown to love and appreciate their music so much as I've grown older. "Nothing Else Matters" is a fantastic song that you really couldn't imagine anybody else doing justice but Apocalyptica have taken this song to a completely new place. This Finnish cello quartet do an achingly beautiful job of this song - the most unlikely looking group of string players if ever I saw them but their arrangement is exquisite. I'm curious to know what the Metallica boys think of this version...and whether James Hetfield would consider singing it with them (if he hasn't already).

I am a huge fan of Simon and Garfunkel but not of their song 'Bridge Over Troubled Water'. As great songwriters, I am very impressed with their work but lyrically, this song sucked. It actually annoys me because I love the melody and chordal structure of the song. So then comes Aretha Franklin. She does an awesome gospel version of this song that is chock-full of soul and innovation. Listening to her version actually makes me forget about the lyrics and listen to the great songwriting that Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel brought to the world. She's amazing. What a goddess.

There are so many great songs that the beautiful late Eva Cassidy brought to the world of music. I am deeply saddened that her tragic death means we won't get to experience any more of her wonderful voice. One of my favourite songs is Sting's "Fields Of Gold". I love his version - so beautiful. But Eva's song equally gives me tingles down my spine. Actually, many of her versions do, but this particular song is so simple and pure that it will probably remain my favourite of all her performances. Check her out on the Live At Blues Alley album....just lovely!

The soundtrack to Moulin Rouge is, of course, the ultimate cover album but for the most part, the songs are not as interesting as the original. All but one - the version of The Police's Roxanne is AWESOME. "El Tango De Roxanne" is one of the cleverest versions of a popular song I have ever heard. Not only was it highly appropriate to the film content but WHAT a voice that came from Jose Feliciano...so Tom Waits-y and raw. The song works so well in a tango form because it has that lyrical content that is so indicative of the tango passion. And the violinist should be commended - excellent playing!

One of my favourite albums of all time is Zebra Crossing by the Soweto String Quartet. What I love about these four men is that they are classically trained performers who haven't forgotten where they come from. They are some of the most delightfully jubilant people who clearly live for their music. Africa, musically, has so much to offer and the Soweto String Quartet tap into that throughout this album. But they pay tribute to Paul Simon and his Graceland album for bringing African music to popular culture. Technically this is four snippets of covers, not one: "Homeless", "Graceland", "Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes" and "You Can Call Me Al". The songs, already based in African rhythms (and of course, lyrically and vocally) work so well with these performers who manage to muster so much energy to play these songs. I can't help but dance around the living room to this. I'm sure Paul Simon would have been most flattered to have heard this version.

Jazz versions of popular songs can go in different directions: either badly (aka any version by Michael Buble who takes out the character, energy and in a lot of cases, sexiness, of a song and squashes it flat) or done very well in the case of Harry Connick Jr's versions of Broadway show tunes on Songs I Heard- (so clever...you should check it out) or John Coltrane's famous version of "My Favourite Things". I think the latter two work because they AREN'T pop music. There's a certain element of rhythm, melody and harmony in Broadway and film music that doesn't appear in your average chart-appearing pop song. And I think that is why Miles Davis's "Someday My Prince Will Come" is so amazing. The basic elements of the song are there but Miles stamps his mark on it pretty quickly, complete with mutes. I love this whole album but that track is a real stand out for me.

Now anybody who knows me knows I live for Stevie. I love him - he is one of my favourite artists of all time. What a great songwriter, performer, idol.... And "Higher Ground" is one of my favourite songs of his. So you wouldn't expect me to actually accept covers of his music. But Red Hot Chili Peppers have done it. Their version of this song is outstanding. The Stevie-trademark keyed bass translates very well into Flea's slap technique and that is one of the stand out features of this song. Anthony Kiedis' wailing voice (which usually annoys me, actually) suits this song down to the ground as vocally, it isn't one of Stevie's strongest melodies. The character is in the bass riff and lyrics and both of these are exaggerated well in RHCP's version. I actually really love this version and will listen to both equally. And for anybody who hasn't seen it, check out the movie Centre Stage for a great dance sequence to this song...

I am not a big fan of Leonard Cohen, all doom and gloom and plain depressing. But I'll give him credit. He did create one hell of a good song: "Hallelujah", expertly covered by the late wonderful Jeff Buckley. Jeff Buckley makes this song sound so pensive and beautiful, unlike Cohen's version which sounds like music for a commercial. Buckley's version is stripped right back to sparce guitar and vocals, unlike Cohen's which is backed by choir. Whilst the biblical references and liturgical sentiments of the song are lost on me, I love that the song builds through the verses and then comes to rest again after the 'chorus'. Such masterful songwriting done so beautifully by Buckley - a sad reminder of what a tragic loss Buckley's death was to world music.

Of course, there are other covers that should make the list but these are the ones that stand out the most for me at the moment. Please feel free to comment if you feel that other covers should be added to the list....


Quote of the day: "Music is your own experience, your own thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. They teach you there's a boundary line to music. But, man, there's no boundary line to art"
Charlie Parker

A Eulogy

We first met in 2005, in Edwardstown. I was a little apprehensive about taking you into my family - you seemed a little uncooperative and not 100% healthy. I didn't want to get attached to you but Dad convinced me that it would work out alright.

It took a while for me to get used to having you in my life. You were a rather grumpy bugger, stubborn and headstrong, refusing to do half the things I asked. One unfortunate day, you decided to go into total meltdown, leaving me totally helpless in Burnside, not knowing what to do. After much attempt at revival, we were forced to get help for you. You were picked up and taken to somebody who knew your condition well. After a complete bypass operation several days later, you recovered well for a short period. Then only a few months later, you once again succumbed to more issues: you lost the ability to suck. You lost all motor function and you had to be revived several times. After several other total malfunctions, including several occasions where I thought it was the end of you, I finally thought we had gotten over the worst of your condition. But your age was against you, despite me always having faith in you.

On Friday, you succumbed to your age and your basic functions gave in for the final time. You were 28. You were definitely not the most attractive member of your peers - you had many physical disabilities and aesthetically, you were rather scarred from many bad experiences. But you had undeniable character. You were a total BEAST. As much grief as you gave me emotionally, financially and the inconveniences placed on me as a result of your ailing health, I will miss you.

RUST IN PEACE, Helga the beer guzzling wench. :)

Courtesy of Sophie, the expert snapper!

Okay, so I'm wetting my pants laughing right now! My mum rocks!

The Trouble Makers in The Back Row

THE REQUIREMENTS OF TEAM THIRD MEMBERS

In order to be a true Team Third member is not simply the playing of the 3rd part of any section of the band but also in several other important requirements.

1. You must have sat in the second row, not the front, for an extended period of time so as to successful carry out your troublemaking without being seen.

2. You must have the suspicion of the musical director at all times that you and the people sitting next to you are 'up to no good'.

3. You must deface the music, changing directions, titles, composer names to inappropriate ones approximating the original. The dirtier the better. Good examples are: Sergeant Leper's Falling Off Parts Club Band; Music for a Testicle, Lawrence has Rabies, Champignon of The Peas, Amazing Grapes (by Ticheli Me Elmo). The movements of the Fifth Suite for Band entitled Down Hoe, Whore and my personal favourite: 'It's In Six, Fuckers! And you are not a true Team Third member unless you have been told off about it because you have defaced music belonging to Pembroke, Walford, the Police Band.... One very exciting Police Band Team Third nominee is the person who changed 'John Come Kisse Me Now' to 'John Kisse Me Come Now!'

4. You must discuss topics during lulls in the music (ie when the MD stops to discuss a section with another instrument group) that have no relation to the music being played. Preferably non music related topics. Even better is discussing these topics while the MD stops to pick on YOUR section. Be defiant when the MD points out your lack of concentration and attention. Ignore him whenever you can. Refuse to play a section when he/she asks because you haven't practiced it and can't be assed.

5. Spend at least 50% of post-performance evenings at the pub. You must be available to attend coffee club meetings as a bitch session about said MD.

6. Tune your concert Bb to perfection before the rehearsal so that you can comfortably play out of tune for the rest of the rehearsal/performance with a clear conscience.

7. Never have a pencil ready unless it is to deface music. Never mark music related scribbles on the score.

Any questions, visit the 'I'm a Proud Member of Team Third' facebook group. Spread the love!

WARNING: GRATUITOUS X-FILES POST!

I decided that since my life has been saturated with The X Files through the purchase of box set of all nine seasons on DVD, that I would write a post about it. So I apologise in advance to those who don't like the show.....skip over this post.

Generally my favourite episodes are the non-mythology ones because I have the attention span of a goldfish and can only concentrate for45 minutes on one thing. Not to say I don't like the mythology episodes but my favourites tend to be the clever stand-alone episodes.

My favourite eps from the first three seasons:

Season 1

Squeeze - This is a memorable one. This is the episode with Eugene Tooms, the stretchy man who rips out and eats people's livers and then hibernates for 30 years. This episode scared the shit out of me when I was a teenager - I had nightmares about the yellow eyes. This epitomises the X Files for me - subtle, creepy, never showing too much, clever and creative. Quote of the episode: "How do I get [the bile] off my fingers without betraying my cool exterior"

Fire - I loved this episode. This is the one where a man can set fire by will and burns people to death. The double entendres all the way through with relation to Scully's apparent jealousy of Phoebe Green, Mulder's ex-girlfriend, are really funny :) I thought this episode was very clever....twisted and turned and I love fire-related tv and film. Anyone remember Backdraft? Very cool.. Line of the episode: "Is that what you were extending?"


Ice - This is the episode where Mulder and Scully go to the Arctic where a group of scientists have killed each other. The worm inserted into the dog's ear is disgusting but cool and this is the first time that Mulder and Scully have been forced to distrust each other. A very interesting episode. Quote of the episode "Before anyone passes judgement, remember we are in the Arctic"

Darkness Falls - This, I think, was my favourite of the season. The little green bugs in the forest episode. I really truly thought that they were going to cark it in this episode when the bugs got in their car. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. The sucking sound effects of the bugs drinking the human fluid is revolting! The foley artists should be commended for that. And I like the concept that human ignorance and selfishness toward the environment were the cause of the anomaly as it really is not that far from the truth.

Season 2

Die Hand Die Verletz - This was the episode in which a group of school teachers were involved in some kind of satanic cult. This episode had it all - the funny lines, the cool effects and I really like witchcraft stories! This was the last one that Morgan and Wong wrote, I believe and they wrote some of the best eps. The best bit however was the 'blooper' in which the giant python eats one of the characters from the foot up - what would it have done once it got to his crotch? LOL. And since when do pythons leave a skeleton? But a very interesting episode nonetheless. Quote of the day: "Mulder, toads just fell from the sky!!"

Aubrey - I think this is the one that creeped me out the most in the whole nine seasons. This episode was about genetic memory and the specific murderous tendencies of one man being passed down in his family. The creepy eyes of the woman that plays BJ freaked me out. And same with the old bloke who plays her dad - cold hard and iceblue. I get very scared of any movie where creatures/people appear suddenly in mirrors - I think it harks back to the days of 'Candyman'. This was a really cleverly written and well filmed episode. Quote of the episode: "I've always been intrigued by women named BJ"

Humbug - This is the side show episode where the deformed miniture conjoined twin 'unconjoins' itself and goes around killing people. How funny was this one?!!! I love Jim Rose! And the Enigma who had grafted coral to his skull so he had horns! The little dwarf from "Living In Oblivion" was in this one and I always remember his bit in that movie to be the ultimate highlight. The bit where Scully eats the bug cracks me up every time. I've decided that when I grow up, I wanna be a side show performer! Quote of the ep: "Can't wait for the wake!"

F Emasculata - An Outbreak-esque episode about a bizarre disease with pus balls and rotting animal carcases. I liked this one. It wasn't particularly X-File-y really because all the events could be explained, albeit the disease was pretty nasty. The make up and special effects people did very well with this one. The pus balls were suitable stomach-churring. This would have made a good movie.Season 3

Syzygy - This is the one with the two teenage bimbos controlling events because they were born at a particular time of a rare astrological alignment giving them psychokinetic powers. He he he he..... this episode is a cack. From the first 'Hate her, hate her, wouldn't wanna date her' quote to Mulder and Scully's nasty repartee right to the last moment, this episode is clever and amusing. I'm a sucker for the funny ones. I like the episode Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose as well and it was a toss up between the two but I think this one wins out. Best quote: "I know how much you like snapping on the latex"

Oubliette - This was about the girl who was kidnapped and for some reason, another woman who had been kidnapped by the same man in her youth being able to feel how she's feeling. Not a funny episode; its actually a very sad episode but I really liked this one. The story between the two girls is poignant and this is one of the first times we really get to see Mulder open up (outside of the mythology series and Scully' disappearance and return). The bit where Amy is drowning and her 'other half' begins to cough up the water is a highlight.

Pusher - This is the episode with the man who can control other people to do things by speaking to them, therefore making people kill themselves or see things differenty. UGH! This episode is creepy. The whole Russian Roulette thing was an 'edge of your seat' moment for me and the scene when the deputy set himself on fire was disturbing! I thought this was a very clever episode that was extremely well acted by both Gillian Anderson and the bloke who played Robert Modell. I was pleased that he came back in season 5 because I felt like I was left wanting more after this episode. And I can never look at the words 'cerulean blue' the same way again.

War of The Coprophrages - Okay, lets face it. Any episode that has 'poo jokes' in it is alright with me! This episode involved cockroaches that kill! We see Queequeg have a bath with dog wash called 'Die Fleas Die' which was a particular highlight! The bit where Scully can't get past the fact that the entomologist's name is Bambi is hilarious. This is a silly episode but thoroughly entertaining! The third season episodes were starting to become more 'hit and miss', I think but there were still a bigger proportion of great episodes than not-so great episodes. Quote of the episode "You smell bad".

Okay that's enough shameless XFiles worshipping for one day!

Stuff people say

No 1.

I hate it when people say "Bob's Your Uncle". No he's not. Noel is my uncle, and Greg is my uncle and Leslie is my uncle and Chris is my uncle...and Steven is my uncle and Alan is my uncle and Gary is my uncle. NOT BOB!!! There's a moving company called 'Bob's Your Uncle Furniture Removals'. Will they not move my furniture if I don't have an uncle Bob?

Bothers me a lot!

No 2.

When people say 'basically' at the start of their sentences. I don't want it 'basic'. I want the FULL STORY. No short cuts so you can end the conversation. Although for some people, basic is all they can do.

No 3.

The End.

The funniest jokes ever....

You know, there are really complicated jokes, really dirty jokes, really socially controversial jokes, and just plain insulting jokes. Some of them (only some...) are funny.

But even the good ones all suck in comparison to the oldies but goodies....

What do you call a woman up against a lamppost? Eileen
What do you call her mother up against a lamppost? Marlene
What do you call a Chinese woman up against a lamppost? Irene
What do you call a woman with no legs? Noelene
What do you call a man pinned to a wall? Art
What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stu
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob
What do you call a man in a pile of leaves? Russell
What do you call a man whose been in a pile of leaves for a long time? Pete
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug
What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas
What do you call a boy with a car on his shoulders? Jack
What do you call a woman with an oyster on her head? Pearl
What do you call a man with his head down a toilet? Lou
What do you call a woman with her head down two toilets? Lulu
What do you call a man lifting weights? Jim
What do you call a man with a speedo on his head? Miles
What do you call a man on his knees? Neil
What do you call a man in a hole? Phil
What do you call a man with no arms and legs being towed by a boat? Skip
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man lying at your front door? Matt
What do you call two guys hanging up on the inside of your window? Kurt and Rod
What do you call a man being used as a NZ cricket ball? Chuck
What do you call a man stuffed in your mailbox? Bill
What do you call a girl on a beach? Sandy
What do you call a girl buried under the sand on a beach? Shelley
What do you call a man wearing a coat? Mac
What do you call a man wearing two coats? Max
What do you call a girl hanging from a washing line? Peg
What do you call a girl between two goal posts? Annette
What do you call a man who talks too loud? Mike
What do you call a man with a skull made out of timber? Edward
What do you call a man with a doughnut on his head? Duncan
What do you call a woman balancing a pint of ale on her head? Beatrix
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lily
What do you call a woman sitting on a bbq hotplate? Patty


But for my favourite........

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his ass? Warren

Nix's Winter 'What's Hot' and 'What's Not' column

What's Hot

1. Asking police officers if they like donuts. He he he... I recently asked two that I know. One (a police prosecutor) laughed heartily. The other didn't. She had no sense of humour!!!

2. Snapping the elastic on someone's underwear. It's fun and it annoys the crap out of the recipient. Could there be a better pastime? I don't think so.....

3. Stickers. I love stickers. I bought some the other day for my students but now I can't stop putting them on stuff. My phone is covered, so is my diary. I'm one step away from buying a whole new set for myself. They are so cute and shiny. ....geez, what am I, five????!!!

4. Pig products. I love bacon and pork and ham. I think I was the only one watching Babe and actually thinking "mmmm, roast pork with potatoes"....

5. The fact that I don't have to endure the pathetic bitchiness of the con ever again!!!! Let me tell you, I got so sick of dealing with the staff favouritism (and we all know who the culprits are of that one). I was fed up with the two-faced nature of particular staff members, the students who don't support each other but just bitch and moan, don't take any constructive criticism, are nasty to each other for little or poor reason, backstab instead of helping each other, and waste their time in the bar instead of practicing, wasting tax payer dollars whittling away their time and (usually government) money at uni on beer. And most of all, the fact that noone mingles outside of their instrument group or in the community music scene. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot - it limits your contacts in the outside world and limits your prospects as a versatile employee in the music scene.

At least I can safely say that I did my upmost to pass my years at uni (all 9 of them) and I didn't waste my 6 years in Adelaide Uni Bar. I have no sympathy for those who get stressed over their uni exams or assignments because they haven't practiced or studied enough. Tough shit - you didn't put the work in. Maybe you should have tried harder. Or in some cases, you're just not suited to music. Deal with it. People like that are making Adelaide's music degrees look really bad on a national level!!!!! I went to nationals this year in Brisbane and met a 2nd year clarinet student called Brendan at the Queensland Con. He was adorable - very friendly and full of compliments. We swapped email addresses and I fully intend to keep in contact with this guy. It was so nice to meet a friendly future player of the clarinet. He had enormous potential as a professional player but was still humble enough to be friendly to someone who wasn't as good as him and offer support and guidance. This is a rarity at the con because everybody is so far up themselves, it's hard to see straight. Of course, there are a few exceptions (Turkey is a trooper, for example) but it's such a horrible pattern.

I'm so pleased I'm not there. It's a weight off my shoulders. Because there is a happier life outside of the con.

What's Not

1. People who name their kids STUPID REDNECK TRAILER-TRASH NAMES. At one school I teach at, there are several variations of one name, only they change the first letter. So ridiculous! The real name is Aiden - but at this school, there's two Haydens, three Braydens, five Jaydens, one Kayden (kayden?????? You have to be kidding me!) and even a Cailan. They are not names, people!!! They belong in Dr Seuss.

Even worse is when parents just give their kids place names as christian names. There is a whole family there with kids named after American states: Montana, Dakota, Georgia and the worst, a country - Jamaica. It makes me want to vomit. The worst bit about it is that the kids have Balkan parents so it doesn't even fit with their background.

And then there's my pet hate - when they give them a normal name but spell it phonetically. Here are a few at this school: Jazminn, Mikayla, Jaymes, Jorja, Kristle....

It's not creative, people. It just makes you look like an ill-educated idiot who can't spell! I remember an ex telling me that someone named their kid after them, only they had no idea how to spell it so the poor kid has a normal name spelled wrong on their birth certificate.

2. The fact that people think they already know my nationality and occupation based on my first name (in nickname). Why does Nicky automatically denote Mediterranean flight attendant. That's why I like Nicole. At least it's relatively generic and you don't have people casting aspersions on your IQ based on your 'dumb airhead' first name.

3. Putting bumper stickers on your car that are humourless and pointless. Whoever came up with the 'porn star' bumper sticker must be cacking their pants right now! Why would you want a sticker that says that on your car? a) It's not true. b) Even if it were, why would you advertise it. c) Why is it suddenly cool to be a 'porn star'? And then there's all the different 'bitch' bumper stickers. Talk about advertising yourself badly. What the hell is the point?

My brother has the right idea. He wants to come up with stupid t-shirts that say pointless words cos there is bound to be dumb ass losers with too much money to spend who would buy them.

4. Being a celebrity for doing absolutely nothing. Anna Nicole Smith was the perfect example of someone who was famous for being famous. These people had/have MILLIONS! People like Corey Worthington proved to us that society has gone friggin nuts when someone can gain success for being a disrespectful, juvenile little shit. The Big Brother contestants go one further because when they come out the house, they don't really have a huge amount to offer as celebrities. (albeit even C Grade celebrities). I'm not saying that they wouldn't be fantastic lawyers or tax accountants or McDonalds drive thru attendants. They are just not celebrity material - why? Because anyone with an ounce of confidence, talent or dignity to withstand the scrutiny of the public eye would not be putting themselves on a tv show like that. They wouldn't need to.

5. Sack dresses. What is with the dresses that are 'fashion' now. The whole, 'one tube' thing with a belt. I've made jokes about long strapless tops with belts before but now it's actually happened. It's one stop away from the granny dress! Horrible. It's not flattering, clings in all the wrong places for anyone who has even an ounce of a hip or a chest and is usually made out of the cheapest, ugliest material. Taste? Whatever happened to taste? A couple of years ago, fashion looked promising but I knew it was too good to be true.

4 cool photos - a little random, I know

I was just filtering through the photos and I came across this one that I took in Tasmania - Wrest Point Casino in Hobart in 2005.

It's made completely of papier mache.

Pretty cool, huh! And I thought my mexican man mask was pretty good. :)

This next photo was taken at the Adelaide Zoo on my birthday 2006. The lioness was looking at a child. It was amusing. I remember saying out loud "Mmmm, she wants to eat the child". The kid heard me and ran quite alarmed back to her mother. He he he he he....

The next photo was one I took only a month ago on the Brisbane River Cat of the Story Bridge. I managed to get a sunset with the bridge in silhouette. Not bad for a camera phone, eh?

This is Simon's cat, Toots. She's so cute! Sorry for the gratuitous cute pet photo but awwww....

My dirty mind...

10 WORDS THAT SOUND SUGGESTIVE BUT ARE ACTUALLY PERFECTLY INNOCENT....

1. Cunning

2. Masticate

3. Sexegenarian

4. Titillation

5. Seaman

6. Condominium

7. Engorge

8. Squirts (as in the Starburst ones)

9. Booby Trap

10. Root beer.


He he he....

Bunk Brisbane: Hell disguised as accommodation

I chose Bunk Brisbane as the accommodation for our ensemble for Nationals for two reasons: the first being that a Brisbane born friend suggested it when I asked her about accommodation in Qld and the second being that it was supposedly an award winning backpackers and had been on Getaway etc. But, wow, do I regret picking this place though! I'm bringing this subject up here on my blog because no site has the facility to review this place anywhere else.

I booked the accommodation for 8 people (thinking we would have 8 on our busiest night) 6 weeks before we left Adelaide. I had to change it a few weeks later to a 6 bed mixed dorm when our numbers declined and received a confirmation of our booking which was correct and stated that we had a 6 bed mixed dorm for 8 nights on Level 3 from Tuesday 18th to Tuesday 25th March. I asked for verbal confirmation also and received the same thing. All in all, I confirmed the booking 4 times. You'd think that'd be enough, right?

We arrived in Brisbane on Tuesday and 20 minutes after we landed in the state, I received a phone call from 'Kelly at Bunk Brisbane' stating that we hadn't shown up for our booking. I said to her 'the booking is for Tuesday night to Tuesday night, not Monday. I've confirmed this several times'. I told her we would be there in 10minutes and I'd sort it out then. I have a sneaking suspicion that during that time, she had to make adjustments to our booking in order to fix the mistake (I reckon she double booked our room) because when we arrived there, we were put in a downstairs room, right next to the communal laundry and cleaner's cupboard – the ass end of the complex. I didn't query it but I should have demanded we get our original room.

Turns out this room was pretty bad. In addition to having no reading lights as advertised (check out their website at http://www.bunkbrisbane.com.au/ for confirmation of this) - which was a problem as it was extremely dim, the room looked nothing like the pictures on the website. The beds had leather covers (anti-piss covers) so were extremely uncomfortable and if the person on the top bunk moved, you thought you were gonna be crushed by a falling bed. Not to mention that you were woken up from the squeaky beds. The room was fitted with an split system airconditioner set permanently to a rather warm 24º. The room was stuffy and smelly with no windows to open, the toilet and shower reeked because of the lack of ventilation and the smell drifted into the sleeping areas, there were no curtains on the window so you were woken up at 5:30am to the morning sun. The room was noisy in the morning due to the cleaners and laundry. The so called 'squeaky clean' consisted of a two second mop with pine-o-cleen. I tested them out by leaving a small ball of hair in the shower. It was still there a week later. There was no real cleaning. The toilet was still gross and the toilet brush would just make it worse cos it was so old and grimy. The toilet door was broken and didn't lock. Bad luck if you were the first person to use the shower in the morning because the drain smelled so bad with the fan off all night. And bad luck if you were the last person too because the bathroom would be flooded due to the bad design of the shower so you'd come out wetter than you were when you were under the shower. The least they could have done is provide a rubber bathmat.

But the worst bit was being woken up three nights in the week in the wee hours of the morning (the first being 3:15am the night before my solo by a bunch of dickhead German backpackers having a foosball tournament in the reception area. I was so angry, I got up in my pjs to go to the reception to ask the front desk to tell them to shut up. The girl just looked at me blankly and said 'What, the TV'. I just said to her 'You are kidding me, right? You can't hear it?'. How bloody rude! And yet, they wouldn't let us put a movie on in the reception at 9pm to watch because of the noise, even though we would have been the only ones that would have been disturbed by it. Grrrr.... The reception staff were completely rude and useless. This happened three times. All it would have taken was a quick word to noisy people but they were just too damn lazy. I had particularly made an effort to tell them when I booked the accommodation that we were competing in a championships but they still put us in the noisiest room anyway. And probably all because someone was incompetent enough to stuff up our booking. The least they could have done is discount the room because of noise, like they had advertised that they did.

They closed the kitchen up at 10:30pm which is ridiculous considering that you could not have food in your rooms. The cleaning staff always seemed to do their cleaning of the kitchen at the busiest time so they just got in your way while you were trying to cook. We had a note left on our food saying 'label your food' to which I wrote back saying 'We already did. Open your eyes!'. It was quite clearly labeled. The kettle went missing on the Saturday morning but noone bothered to replace it the whole time we were there. A Tiffany kettle costs $17.00, the cheaparses. The tea towels were always soaking and the kitchen was so hot sometimes, it was almost unbearable. The microwave leaked (you could feel it cooking your insides if you stood next to it), the toaster burned your food even on the lowest setting and there were never enough cups or plates.

We asked for extra pillows as the ones on the bed were shocking and useless. They told us that they only had two extras but in their window around the corner, they had twenty new pillows on display. One of our party ended up using his quilt as a pillow. We asked for someone to fix our non-working airconditioner only to have the guy say 'I'll be there when I'm not so busy' and then stand around and flirt with some female backpackers for an hour.

We went to wash our clothes on Sunday, only to have the machine refuse to take our coins. One of our party went to get some more washing powder as ours was wasted in the non-working machine. It took him 20 minutes to explain to the clueless girl at reception what the problem was because she was too thick to get the point. And she was Australian. It wasn't like she was a temporary Swedish backpacker. Where do they find these people???

Finally, when we checked out, the girl took back our sheets and keys without even a smile or a thank you for the $1000 we had spent there that week, not to mention all the food and drink we had bought in the bar. The staff were unhelpful, rude and hopeless at their job. The place was overpriced for what it was. It was over-noisy, even for a backpackers and only because the front counter staff didn't do their jobs properly.

And yes, you'll probably say, well, it WAS a backpackers... you can't expect the Hilton. But no, I've stayed in backpackers for half the price that have been absolutely outstanding places to stay. The backpackers that we stayed in Melbourne was two dollars more a night but it was the Ritz in comparison and that was just the service alone. I stayed in a twin room in a backpackers in Launceston for $20 a night and it was better than a motel. We would have got a better sleep in a tent, I reckon, on the banks of the Brisbane river.

One of our party was quite keen to trash the room (you know, prawns in the curtains, if they had had any curtains; sour milk all over the carpet....that kind of thing) on our departure but we didn't for two reasons: One was that they had my credit card details and you know, I reckon they would be low enough to actually debit it without my permission. And the second would be that some poor bastard would have to stay in that room later because they would book it out anyway. The smell would NEVER go away and God forbid the Bunk staff would ever clean it properly. I wouldn't begrudge that on my worst enemy.

May I make a suggestion. Don't stay at Bunk Brisbane, even if you're broke and can't afford anywhere else. Stay in a caravan park if you're looking for accommodation because you'll get better quality there.

Anybody who reviews Bunk Brisbane as fantastic was obviously drunk the whole time they stayed there. And to the people at this hostel, let this be a lesson to you. A happy customer will tell one person. An unhappy one will tell 100.

Nix's Womad Wrap Up 2008

It had been quite a number of years since I had been to WOMAD for the whole weekend so last year, a friend and I vowed that we would go for the full length in 2008. And so when it came to buying tickets, I was sweating a little.At $200 a ticket, it was not cheap. But after the WOMAD weekend, I am pleased that I sacrified eating for two weeks to afford to go, regardless of the fact that the temperature was in the high 30s for the whole weekend. But I was all ready and prepared to face the nasal onslaught of B.O., incense and wacky tabacki...

Friday night introduced us to the beginning of an array of different musical cultures. The moment we got in the gate, we upheld our tradition of heading straight for the cider tent. After all, it is not WOMAD without the first pint of cider. K said that she needed the first cider in order to relax and not worry about all the things she had possibly forgotten. I just wanted cider, because I'm a pisshead.

Friday night promised us much musical variation. We chose the Joji Hirota Trio first over at the smaller Zoo stage – a Japanese Taiko percussionist trio which was a welcome beginning to the weekend, although it amazes me how physical the performance was still, regardless of the scorching heat, even in the early hours of the evening. They were full of spirit and life, although I'm not sure how that kind of performance could translate itself into a recorded performance. And it always amazes me how those percussionists can keep a steady beat but our concert band drummers can't. Damn drummers....

Following this, we decided to pick up some dinner at the Global Food area and head off to see Beirut, the first of a number of acts pre-planned to see. Beirut presented a miriad of cultures in the one band, the Lebanese influence clear in certain numbers. We were amazed to see just how many instruments one of the performers in this ensemble was able to play – we saw him play clarinet, saxophone, ukelele, euphonium, trumpet and trombone (amongst other instruments that we couldn't see because of people's big fat heads in front of us.

During this performance, we began our long winded search for Edgy's friends who were supposed to be at the same performance, although we were buggered if we could see them. But then again, when you have the instruction “We're sitting about 250m left of the sound booth, near a large tree”, I'm not surprised that we couldn't find them. What?? Trees?? In Botanic Park?? Never!

We decided to get dessert before John Butler Trio began on stage 2 but this turned out to not be the best idea. By the time we had managed to battle the long lines at the global food area, JBT had started and the crowd was MASSIVE. So we decided that it would be smarter to go find a good posi at Clube de Balanco's performance for the next hour. It was there that K decided that she was going to be the biggest nerd in history by blogging from the event, using the WiFi Internet linkup in the park. I thought I was a nerd for blogging at work, let alone at a music festival. :)

After Clube de Balanco, we decided to move over to Stage 1 so we could find a good spot to sit for Mavis Staples, the US soul singer (who I didn't know until a couple of weeks earlier when she was on the TV documentary Soul Deep on the ABC) . I have to say, by this point, I was suffering majorly from hayfever due to the dry grass and massive cloud of dust at stage 1. I was also exhausted, having worked all day in 38 degrees. The funniest part of this performance was hearing her try and pronounce Adelaide. She finally settled on Lemonade when it became too difficult. The crowd, luckily, was a very jovial, light hearted and relaxed one so didn't take it personally. I was beginning to sleep sitting down so I stood up but still couldn't see anything. I am such a short ass. This was the biggest mistake because we decided to walk home after this performance which took a lot longer than anticipated. Unfortunately I had a Witches of Eastwick rehearsal at 9am the next morning so as you can imagine, I was most enthusiastic showing up to that. Probably explains my less than tight playing...

We began our Saturday Womad experience with a spiritual journey through Indian ragas with Manjiri Kelkar. I found it amazing that her sitar player (or some similar instrument) was able to follow her improvised singing directly after she had sung a note, imitating her almost perfectly without written music. It was beautiful. After her understated, personal performance at the Speakers Corner, we travelled around the Global Art and Craft tents where K and Edgy kindly bought a dress for me that I'm not yet able to fit, but I will someday, dammit.

We then sat down on the grass ages away from stage 2 to listen to the Titi Robin Quartet, of which, I'm ashamed to say, I can't remember much. It clearly was not my favourite act as it has not ingrained much in my brain. I was more insistent on mentioning all the fantastic seed pod hats that I kept seeing and trying to convince Edgy that it would be a good couture investment.

We then headed back to the zoo to watch theJoseph Tawadros Trio, an Egyptian oud player with a percussionist and a funk jazz bass player. Very interesting indeed. I felt quite sorry for poor Joseph (without reference to Andrew Lloyd Webber....), though, as his oud kept going out of tune in the extreme heat so he probably had to cut down his set by a couple of numbers just to tune properly.

By now, it was scorchingly hot, so we were making the most of the cool down tent (a marquee with jet streams of water). We were going to watch Kutcha Edwards, for lack of a better option, but we didn't quite get there. Instead we were distracted by the wackiness of the Zic Zazou brass band musicians in a makeshift carousel. They played the most awesome version of my favourite hymn 'Abide with Me' which was like some kind of theme and variations. Their set consisted of hitting the side of the carousel like percussion, dancing around and singing songs like 'Up the Workers' which used every Aussie product icon they could think of in the lyrics. The funniest bit however was when K went up to one of the performers at the end to congratulate them on a great performance and he said to her 'We much prefer orgies”. Ha ha ha....

May I add, we still had not run into Edgy's friends, nor Nads or Anna or Steve, like we had hoped. We had however run into Nat, Big Al's daughter who came to Nationals with us. And we had run into Flexi.
We planned at this point to meet up with Edgy's friends D & D early so that we could have dinner with them. So we headed over to stage 2, determined to get a good position for John Butler Trio. We did. Right in front of the sound booth where we were easily found. Finally Edgy's friends met up with us. As expected, JBT were fantastic, with an amazing solo from the drummer and a gorgeous instrumental of which the name eludes me. But as usual, I couldn't see a bloody thing unless I stood on my real tip toes. But Edgy's friend D could see even less so I had a one up on her.

We then made the added mistake of going back to the Global Food tent where it was crazily busy with everyone deciding to eat at the same time. But the strawberry pancakes were worth the wait.

Later in the evening came the highlight of my weekend, I think. We headed over to the Moreton Bay stage under the plane trees to watch a solo act by Victor Valdes of the Mariachi band. I never thought that Mexican mariachi bands would work with a harp but it did. It was a gorgeous experience full of exuberance and poignancy. I thoroughly enjoyed it, as did the crowd around us. And it was the most friendly experience as well, the people sitting next to us engaging us in conversation (and accidently squirting K in the face...hehehehe) and had cooled down enough to be completely comfortable and relaxing. The amazing part about it was that the majority of his band was missing so it made it all the more enjoyable a performance with the harp playing multiple parts at once. Just beautiful.

Finally, we headed to the Speakers Corner where Nikodemus, the New York DJ, mixed multicultural sounds in a fantastic way. If I wasn't so tired, I would have insisted on staying longer to experience more of it. Paired with the really tasty iced chai and the even tastier guarana chocolate ball, it was a great end to a great day. And I am amazed that K still had the energy to dance heavily after the full day that we had had. But she was as pumped up as the Energizer bunny. I was, on the other hand, stuffed, like a roast rabbit. I was so glad Edgy drove that day. My own private taxi. :)

Sunday, we were luckily a little more energetic, having slept in a little after the night's events. Although we had every intention of getting there for Susanna Baca, it just didn't happen however. Come on, it was Sunday! We got there just before 1pm and completely by chance, ran into Anna and Steve who had got the great posi under some trees for the day. We watched Idan Raichel Project from the comfort of their very large picnic area next to stage 1. We caught up with our friend B and her friend M. It was B's first experience of Womad so I hope this weekend was a positive experience for her, despite the dodgy events that happened later on that night.

Since the Mariachi band were playing in full this time, we opted to go and see them instead of Watussi who also sounded really good. However, I think that the whole band playing made the performance less magical and we were slightly disappointed with the full band, opting to go to Watussi for the rest of their set. Watussi were great, a full energetic combination of rock, funk, afro cuban soul and hip hop. They were similar to many bands that I like and admire so it'll definitely be one band I'll be chasing up further in the future. I might have to spend my $20 voucher on their cd. :) And I might be checking them out if they have a gig when we're in Sydney in 2009.

It was now so hot, it was positively evil. We spent a great deal of time squirting each other with the spray bottle and recovering under the cooling-down tent. It was amusing to see the bog of mud where the water fountain had been (and apparently teenagers had been belly sliding through the mud earlier). We watched Toumani Diabate's Symmetric Orchestra from the comfort of the shade at stage 1, while I recovered from what felt like heat stroke. When we thought we had recovered sufficiently, we headed over to the shade by stage 2 to be treated to a jazz funk experience presented by Billy Cobham and his septet (featuring a saxophone member of the Daly Wilson Big Band). Although slightly lacking in the 'world music' factor, it was nevertheless a treat for lovers of modern jazz. It was dinner time and once again, we battled the crowds to get food.

The fact that the Samba Parade (featuring the familiar faces of the Billy Hyde Raider drummers that I know) went through just as we headed over to the All Star Gala didn't help my excruciating headache. I was actually quite disappointed with the All Star Gala – the best part of it was the part I had already seen. The immense skill and energy of the Joji Hirota was the only really impressive part of the gala. It was suggested by Edgy that the All Star Gala should be at the beginning of the event so you get a glimpse of what is to come and what you might like to experience in full at the festival. I totally agree. All that the All Star Gala achieved was to give people a taste of what, in a lot of cases, they had missed.

I was pleased, however, that my Sunday experience dramatically improved with my other highlight of the festival: The Terem Quartet. Consisting of an accordion, two lutes and a contra bass balalaika, the quartet were full of humour, energy and extremely impressive musicianship. They took us on a journey of Russian folk music, interspersed with humorous renditions of Bach's Toccata and Fugue and Lalo Schifrin's Mission: Impossible. The contrabass balalaika was incredible to watch and the quartet performed with tongue-in-cheek verve. They deserved the standing ovation that they received both for their music, their wacky costumes and the accordion player's funny hair.

As we returned from the Terem Quartet, I was amazed to see the massive energised crowd screaming for David D'Or on stage 1, who was entertaining the crowd with a pure Eurovision-esque performance. In hindsight, it would have been interesting to watch him earlier on in the festival but oh well, you can't watch it all. In amongst drunk dancing revellers, we took photos of the incredible work of the French pyros who decorated the Eastern part of the park with fireballs, engraved pipes and what looked to me like burning crosses. :/ When I grow up, I wanna be an arsonist like them.

We sat down at stage 3 to watch Cesaria Evora's band who were a bunch of troopers playing without their leading lady (who was in hospital in Sydney suffering from a mild stroke – I hope she has recovered okay). Despite missing their singer, the band played with great skill and musicianship, replacing the vocal line with a soprano saxophone. I thoroughly enjoyed their performance and will probably investigate a recording of this ensemble also. We then headed back via a much needed coffee fix (which I might add, succumbed to the same opinion of coffee retailers as I mentioned in my last blog post about the presence of 'large and jumbo' cups.) to the 'home base' where Anna and Steve were to get a comfortable position for Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings. Very Tower of Power-esque, the band were kick arse, only highlighted by the diva's presence. The crowd were very demanding of an encore but they sadly didn't get one as the band refused to reappear.

We trekked all the way to Speakers Corner to get some more iced chai for the final performance of the evening and the one I had been looking forward to: The Tibetan Monks. In 2001, I remember falling asleep to the harmonic singing as it echoed through the park air. It was beautiful.

However, several things changed this year. The first was that the beginning piece that Tenzin Choegyal and his monks performed used this kind of weird alp-horn like instrument that, I'm sorry to say, sounded quite dubious. I made the error of saying to K that one of the monks had clearly had a bad curry and it was called vindaloo for a reason. Well, that set her off pissing herself laughing and then, of course, every time it sounded, we were both in hysterics. Then, in addition, we had this guy behind us who insisted on squirting his spray bottle continually throughout the calming performance. I felt like turning around and shooting a jet stream directly in his face. But it was nevertheless a spiritual moving performance, despite these things. And was I pleased to get the damn wristicket band off my wrist!

And B, I hope you have recovered sufficiently from your nasty bout of asthma after the festival of dust and it hasn't prevented you from wanting to experience the festival next year. It would be a shame for you to miss out for that...

All in all, what makes WOMADelaide so special is that the crowds of people are amazingly relaxed, jovial and everyone is kind to everybody else. This woman who complained rudely about the food at the Indian curry place on Friday night should have been punched in the face by me – she has missed what the festival is all about. It s about cooperation ,acceptance, tolerance and world culture. Not about how a butter chicken recipe from a portable food outlet wasn't to her specifications, the stupid bitch. But she was a rarity.

It was a scorching weekend all three days and noone cared. People were dancing, screaming, jumping around and it still sold out. The park was a ball of dust, dry grass and tobacco enough to set anyone off sneezing. But noone cared.

Everybody is there purely for the music, not to cause trouble or fight or push people around. Noone complains and everyone prepares ahead of time, being sensible with sunscreen and plenty of water. SA Police and St John had hardly any real problems and that is almost unheard of in festivals. There is a remarkable lack of police (probably due to the fact that there was only one donut retailer) but there is an acceptable reason for it. Noone causes any trouble. Everyone is happy and co-operative. And always have been in the history of the festival. It is a wonderful atmosphere filled with culture and experience, a great place for young and old alike. I encourage anyone who has not experienced the festival to do their absolute best to get a ticket for next year's festival.

Even if it's just to get a fantastic pointy seed pod hat I finally got.

Best hat ever!

Nix's Whinge-A-Thon 2008

I've decided to get this all off my chest all in one go!

These are my pet peeves for 2008.

1. Teenage service attendants. Back in high school, I worked my ass off to try and get a part-time job, only to be turned down time and time again by the managers of McDonalds, Subway, Hungry Jacks, Crazy Horse..... I was a smart kid. I got good grades, had a good work ethic, I could articulate well enough and was well presented. But I never got past an interview.

But still, these days, it shits me to tears that I go into a supermarket and when I get to the counter, the 12 year old serving me says 'Hi, how are you?' WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING UP AT ME! GRRRR! I am so sick of the phony politeness that they are forced to do by their trainers, laced with insincerity. And I am fed up of having to repeat everything I say because they haven't listened the first time (even though it was them who asked the same written-out questions they ask everyone). There are so many people out there who are struggling to find work (adults particularly) who never get these jobs because the inarticulate morons they hire are cheaper to pay.

A fellow con student (who shall remain nameless) said to me a while back that at her franchised workplace, she is polite to the customers right up until about 4:45pm because it's the end of the day and then she just wants to go home because she's tired. I'm sorry but that pisses me off. The customer at 2 minutes to 5pm is just as important as the customer at 9am or at 1:30pm. Don't they teach that when they train their staff??????

The majority of teenage service attendants are rude, insincere and act like they don't want to be there. And yet, me, a willing polite and efficient kid, never got those jobs. It makes me angry. I stopped off at McDonalds a while back at Collinswood where this young girl served me at the drive through. She was gorgeous - she greeted me with a massive smile, got my order right without me having to repeat myself and was genuinely polite and helpful. What time was it, you might ask?

It was 3am. I felt like sending her a big bunch of flowers for being the first teenager to be polite to me ever in a fast food drive through.

2. Fast food restaurant lingo. Billy Connelly once said that it pisses him off when McDonalds won't understand that you want a chicken burger unless there's a Mc in front of it. He basically goes 'How about I stick a McFork in your McFucking McEyeball?'

Ay ay to that. The other morning, I stopped off at a BP On the Run to grab a coffee before work. I went up to the counter and ordered a large latte. Pretty simple order. And the girl looked at me blankly and said 'What size?'. So I said, "uh, the largest one". and she says "Do you mean the grande or the max"? I said to her, "the largest one". And it still took her 2 minutes to work it out. And even then, as she grabbed the wrong sized cup, I had to correct her.

Since when has 'small, medium, large and extra-large' become difficult to understand? Why the f**k do coffee franchises and fast food restaurants change the standard names on their products to make it difficult for their customers to order anything. They just DON'T understand if you don't order it in their stupid '"El Smallo, Regulatory and Gargantuan". I order a large latte just simply because it's even harder to order a medium one. I'm waiting for the day they name the size of the cups the same way they label tampons 'Mini, Regular and Super'.



3. People who mispronounce words (either deliberately or accidently). The use of the English language has become so lazy these days. If I hear one more person that says 'appree SEE ate' instead of appreeSHEEate', I will scream!!!!!! It gets my hackles up big time. That goes for 'vi-tamins' instead of VY-tamines. And HA-rassment instead of ha-RASS-ment.

South Australia is fast becoming New South Wales in their increasingly lazy pronunciation. We are fast becoming the state of 'Skew-uls' (instead of Skool) and 'Grafs' (instead of Grah-fs) and 'Ca-sel' (instead of Cah-sel). Oh and don't even get me started on people who say 'be-corrrs' instead of 'be-coz'.

4. People who diss Adelaide. The Adelaide vs Melbourne debate has been on everybody's lips lately. But have you noticed that there are no born-and-bred South Aussies dissing Adelaide? The only ones who are criticising Adelaide are people who have left our state now or have moved here from the eastern states. So all this stuff about how even South Aussies are criticising Adelaide is a load of bollocks. The majority of Adelaideans love Adelaide. They choose to live here because its a great city. It may not be the entertainment central of Australia or a great leader in innovation, architecture and business. But that's what makes it great. It's a sleepy little town that's friendly, warm and inviting.

It's the fact that we can walk from one side of the CBD to the other in 10 minutes. It's the fact that we don't have to pay $10 to get on public transport each day. It's the fact that visitors arrive through the Adelaide hills when driving in from Melbourne or Sydney- sure beats the shit heap that is Deer Park.

It's the fact that we don't have to buy interstate wine to get a nice drop to have with our dinner. It's the fact that the skyline hasn't been tainted yet by the ugliness of high rises. I don't live here because I want us to be a state that's moving forward in business, innovation and tourism. I live here because its my home and I never feel like I'm being overwhelmed by bustle and the architectural equivalent of a wet fart.

As far as I'm concerned, the people who don't like Adelaide can fuck off and stay away. Those who live here now (that were originally from other states) can go back where they came from and leave those of us who love our little city in peace.

5. Unqualified or illeducated instrumental music teachers. People who are attempting to make money out of teaching instruments, regardless of whether they are qualified to do so, really piss me off. I am so sick and tired of correcting terrible technique because the teachers my students have come from have not taught them the right way. There are generations of people who think that just because they can get a note out of the instrument, that gives them the skill to teach. WRONG! All it does is frustrate the students who, for the rest of their playing lives, struggle with certain things due to poor technique. Some just simply give up because it's all too hard for them to get over. Others unfortunately become teachers too and pass their bad habits on to their students.

I had a mature age student a while back who I charged $20 per half hour to teach. This is a standard rate - if not, a bit under the going rate these days. One day, suddenly, he said to me, I'm gonna learn from a lady next door who charges $10 a lesson. I asked him if she was a qualified teacher or a professional player. He said 'no, she was just a lady who had played clarinet for a while'. I later found out that the teacher he had gone to was a woman in a band that I had played in who had some of the worst technical habits I had ever seen. I just felt quite despondent that I was losing a good capable student to a woman who was, no doubt, going to destroy his potential. And all for the sake of $10. Besides the fact that people like that, giving substandard tuition, make it twice as hard for us qualified teachers to make a living because they are taking all our students by charging half our rate.



6. The Clipsal 500 and the dickhead drivers that it produces. This basically applies to anyone driving a Holden or Ford V6 and highter or turbo charged Nissan.


The Clipsal 500 is the bane of my existence. In addition to causing no end of traffic jams in the eastern suburbs (for which the residents should be compensated in their council rates), in turn causing a mass increase in greenhouse gases from idling cars, it produces a multitude of extra wankers on the road. The Clipsal 500 encourages every idiot with a V6 or higher to imitate the people they've just seen on the track for the next month. I am scared to be on the road in March for fear of being wiped out by some testosterone-charged bastard with a licence and a high powered (and might I add, ordinary) car.

The one major problem with working in the northern/north eastern suburbs are the dickhead drivers I face everyday. The other day I was driving in an 80 zone towards Mawson Lakes and this dangerous prick drove up behind me, got within 2 metres of me before changing lanes and sped past me at double my speed. When he went to cut in front of me, he lost control and spun out, narrowly missing me by a metre or so, before ending up on the side of the road next to me. I almost had a heart attack. If he had hit me, I would have been wiped out completely - my life would have been over. All because this fuckwit decided to exert his driving authority over me. I was so angry that I felt myself wishing that he'd rolled his car into a tree.


I am so sick of wankers in Commodores tailgating me all the time. The problem is, even if they don't change lanes to pass me, they sit behind so close that I find myself having to speed in order to get a safe distance away from them. Where the friggin' hell are the cops?????? I have yet to see a single police car monitoring this on the stretch between Montague Road and Mawson Lakes Boulevard. And yet, the radars are unfairly positioned 2 metres into the 60 zone as it drops from 80 at the tollgate on the South Eastern freeway, where drivers struggle to get their speed down enough without wearing out their brakes. Where's the equality?


Why the hell do we need cars that can go 200 kmph when the maximum speed is 110 anywhere in South Australia? Cars should be made to be speed limited by law. And no person under the age of 25 should be allowed the privilege of a high powered car of any sort (and not be allowed to travel with more than one passenger under the age of 25 also).


7. The fact that concert bands in Australia get no support. Basically, concert bands are treated like crap in Australia. We live in a very brass band orientated community and so those of us that play saxophone, clarinet, flute, oboe and bassoon, have very little opportunity for a musical outlet. The fact that there are 12 people in TOTAL in the concert solos this year in Brisbane is shameful (particularly since at least 2 of those are brass players). I am taking 3 days off work to compete against myself. How unfair is that? Where is the support and encouragement for concert bands? The possibilities that a concert band presents are much more versatile than a brass band (as much as I love the brass band sound). It is very different, rich in timbres and much easier to play a more versatile program.


If this was the US, it wouldn't be the case as there is a very large band community in the states but here, it's virtually non-existent. I'm worried that I will have to move interstate even to play for fun soon because the South Australian concert band community is struggling to maintain a decent standard.


Let's give some more support to our woodwind players who quite often present as high a standard of performance as brass players.


8. Rich people who assume that everyone is exactly like them. I have never had much money. Ever. We were always struggling as a family and now as I am independent, that is still the case. I work my ass off for much less than someone else doing the same hours (I can think of a few friends who are a good example of the latter). It's extremely frustrating. But what is more frustrating is the people who just assume that they are the most important thing to be paid and take no consideration to the fact that maybe they are not my highest priority. Take for example, the bank.

I hate the bank I'm with. I have been increasingly more disappointed with the substandard service they are offering their customers. And this last incident has taken the cake for me and has forced me to make the decision to move my money elsewhere after 29 years.

I have two accounts. One was overdrawn by $137. The other account - my business account - had over a thousand. On Monday last week, I transferred the thousand into another investment account with another financial institution. But of course, it doesn't happen for a day or so. So I was assuming the next morning that I would have $55 in the account still to pay for the petrol I put in my car. But no, my account bounced when I tried to pay for the petrol. How humiliating. So I left my mobile phone there as collateral and went to work. I called the bank and they told me that because one of my accounts was overdrawn, they had taken $137 out of my business account to pay the debt. So this had now overdrawn my business account by $80 (because of the $1000 that had come out at the same time).

Well I, to put it mildly, spat the dummy. How dare they take money out of an account that has nothing to do with the overdrawn one. Just because it's with the same bank doesn't give them the right to steal money out my account. Anyway, the collections guy I talked to at the bank recognised that what they had done was illegal and transferred $137 back into my business account.

Three days later I got home to find a letter stating that I had been charged a $38 fee for overdrawing that account. And it has now taken almost a week and I still have not been reimbursed for that money. How the HELL can they get away with this stuff? My account was NEVER overdrawn. There is no record of an overdrawn account on my transaction list and surely if they override their decision, the fees should be overriden too as it was not my fault. I'm so fed up. What makes them think that they are the most important people that I need to pay. They have received literally hundreds of dollars from me in the last couple of years in fees and charges. I have rent, electricity, food to buy. How dare they? So all because they decided to break the law, they've just lost a customer that has been with them since she was born. I've had enough.


Anyway, that's enough whinging for one day. Phew!

Nix's Top 15 Most Irritating Songs. Ever.

This is in no particular order…since they’re equally awful in so many ways.

1. No-one – Alicia Keys. I hate songs that sound like the singer is pushing out a turd as they sing. That crack in her voice as she whines drives me insane. And in the now 3 weeks since I’ve been in this temp assignment, I’ve had to listen to it three times a day. And why the hell does she have to end every friggin’ phrase on the same note!!!! ARRRRGGGGHHHH!

2. Punk Rocker – Sandi Thom. Is it just me or is someone else annoyed that she speaks of punk rockers with “flowers in her hair”. Since when do punk rockers wear flowers in their hair?????? More like pins in their nose and Mohawks!!! She’s got the wrong era!!!!!!!! It annoys the crap out of me that she made millions out of a mediocre hit when she doesn’t even know anything about the music era. Dumbass.

3. Love Generation – Bob Sinclair. Mmmmm, don’t even get me started on the whistling song. This rates about as highly as the crazy frog song for me.

4. I Never Liked You – The Rogue Traders. When is someone gonna tell Natalie Bassingthwaite that she CAN’T SING FOR SHIT!!!!!! She sounds like Malibu Stacey in this song. And I don’t think it’s deliberate. I hate her so much. She’s an airhead bimbo masquerading as a ‘tough broad’. I have earwax with more talent.

5. Beautiful Girls – Sean Kingston. He’s taken a great bassline by Leiber and Stoller (Stand By Me) and put his RIDICULOUS lyrics on the top, with that horrible repeat of ‘in denial, in denial’. It makes me want to rip off my arm and whack myself over the head with it repeatedly.

6. Me Love – Sean Kingston. The lyrics go “Oh oh oh oh oh oh, why’d you have to go-oh away from home, me love”. Why???? Because you’re a dickhead, you’re embarrassing and untalented. Get over it!

7. The Rose – Bette Midler. One of the worst songs ever written. It has painfully bad lyrics, a juvenile melody and we all know what I think of the ‘less than divine Miss M’.

8. Big Big World – Emilia. Do you guys remember that song? It literally sounded like a nursery rhyme. She couldn’t sing. She sounded like a 4 year old. The song was shit. Name one thing that made this good! And yet she made money on it.

9. Straight Line – silverchair. I usually have a lot of respect for the Newcastle boys. But this song is like pulling teeth. It’s okay until he trys to ‘rock out’ by putting the chorus up an octave. UGHHHHH! The hairs on my arm stand up every time. And not in a good way. I hate it so much.

10. My Humps – Black Eyed Peas. That band has some fantastic hits and some even more spectacular misses. This is one of the misses. What the hell were they thinking? Why do they have to glorify people checking out girl’s tits and ass? Fergie sets back women’s lib 50 years!

11. Spank – Dirty South feat Boogie Fresh. This song is irritating and offensive. “Don’t matter if you can’t dance, just make that ass bounce, just shake what your daddy gave ya. Gonna make you spank.”
If we buy these singles, we’re basically telling them it’s okay to objectify women. And who let that untalented moron in the recording studio in the first place. The way he speaks the verses makes me want to stab him with a pencil.

12. Can’t Get You Outta My Head – Kylie. Most post 90s Kylie songs will make this list, actually, but this one is a particular ‘highlight’. What I hate the most about Kylie is the fact that noone has picked up that she’s a nostril singer! She sings through her nose, dammit. She’s so nasal and whiny. Why has noone noticed? At least pre-millenium, you could excuse her for being young. But what the hell is her excuse now?????!!!!

13. My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion. Or should I say ‘My Heart Will Go On and On and On and On...’. I lost all respect for James Horner after this song. Paired with the fact that this was the theme tune to one of the worst movies ever made, it’s a double whammy.

14. Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani. I loved Gwen Stefani. Once. I was very upset when she released this. No Doubt were a great ska band. Then she comes out with this piece of excrement. The worst bit about it is that the school I work out let underage students wearing hardly anything perform a cheerleading routine to this at a school concert. I was a hair’s breadth away from ripping my teeth out.

15. Get The Party Started – Pink. I’d admit it…. Pink was on the right track. I actually owned a Pink album once. She’s a smart girl. But what spectacular head injury/neurological collapse/drug induced coma caused her to do this song. It’s so unspeakably awful and horribly irritating, I want to stick pins in my eyes. And for more than one reason. I saw a 60 year old skank perform this at a karaoke bar. How dare Pink inflict that on me?

**Amendment to post - I would just like to add that if I hear one more song where the singer says "buh-lieve" instead of "be-lieve", I will go on a psychotic rampage, I swear! Delta will be first!