Individuality begone...I'm a musician....

You know, I'm not a fan of stereotypes (who is) but there are just some things about musicians that seem a given, simply because of a particular instrument they play. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule but in most cases, you can guess a musician's primary instrument by their look or behaviour.

Clarinet players can be quite versatile as far as their look goes but are quite often the ones seen getting drunk at The Austral after an orchestra gig (or in the case of The WCB cabaret, DURING the gig). And that's not just me! It seems a consistency. The clarinet players at the Der School of Sic Mate always seem to be in the caf.

Question: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: 10. 1 to hold the bulb and 9 to drink tequila til the room spins.

Flute players and the colour pink always go together. In general, flute players blend in with each other in a section by the various forms of pink that they wear. This is usually coupled with pretty hair, makeup and delicate clothing. I know a flute player who pulls her hair back so tight, you can see the whites of her eyes permanently!(In some cases, male flute players fit this category too). I've found most flute players to be pretty anal & uptight about small things. Then again, they do play the flute so I guess they can't help their handicap. :)

Trumpet players also seem to be uptight. Is that through trying to hit high notes? Note: the higher the note, the squeezier the butt cheeks. He he....A good trumpet player will ALWAYS show off. 'I can play higher than you!' In fact, in the case of one K.E., they'll show off even if they're NOT good.

Drummers......do I need to say more? Question: How do you know when the stage is level? Answer: When the drummer is drooling out of BOTH sides of his mouth. In a recent survey of the musical aptitude of some incoming Yr 8s to the school, I discovered that the people with the worst rhythm were the drummers/ drummer wannabes. Drummers are the musicians (and I use that term lightly) that no matter the occasion, they'll turn up in shorts and thongs. Usually the ones driving the dodgiest car too - could this be that sporadic paycheck? And are always the last ones to arrive at a rehearsal or gig, regardless of having the most equipment to set up.....not mentioning anyone in particular, am I? Mal?

As for guitarists...well, you hardly ever see these elusive people.Usually relating more to their guitar than to the human race, they only emerge from their little guitar world periodically. Are the ones found at the con practicing in a park, cafe, toilet....Will usually grow facial hair in an attempt to appear intellectual or grungy (or to look like a certain guitarist hero) but invariably, look better without it. Also likely to show up to a gig in shorts. Will suffer for their art - often living in dumps to afford to be a 'professional' musician. This seems to require living without a washing machine, soap, running water....

Q - How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
A - Pay for the pizza.

Q - What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A - Homeless

Can tell a guitarist by their hands a lot - long nails on one hand, chewed down to the quick on the other. I'm told this is to do with the instrument.......a bizarre fetish if you ask me. He he he....

Vocalists. Question: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler? Answer: Jewellery.

Singers should be avoided at all costs, esp. classical ones. :) For people that have NO equipment to cart around, they're the ones that demand the most attention and the most service from other people. Since my time at the Der School of Sic Mate, I have yet to meet a singer who wanted to work with instrumentalists. They hang in groups - they seem to be drawn together like flies to manure. Those of them that do communicate with instrumentalists tend to be jazz singers.