How to talk 'Straiyun... (instructional dvd and workbook out soon)

I was watching a re-run of the Simpsons episode where Bart calls that Australian kid and reverse charges the phone call, and I was baffled at just how bad Americans are at imitating the Australian voice, considering that there are really quite simple ways of handling our lingo. So I have decided that Americans need an instructional video on how to talk Aussie. Cos clearly the subtleties of Kath and Kim and The Castle have gone right over most people's heads. But money being a little scarce, I thought I'd start with a blog entry. So here goes......

1. 80-90% of vowel sounds must be dropped from your words. Even the cliched Australian greeting has vowels dropped (G'day). In ordah to tork Straiyun, laziness is tha key. ie to greet someone, you should say 'how's it gahn?' Furthermore, any vowels that are still used must be spoken through the nose in a bagpipe-like nasal drone, particularly the 'ay' or 'eye' sounds. Names such as Kylie and Wayne should be whined and each vowel sound should be slid up to, Kath and Kim style.

2. Any male name has to be lengthened or shortened by adding a vowel to the end ie. Robbo, Simmo, Macca, Johnno. Even our nationality has been altered (Aussie or Oz). Any name containing an 'r' has to be converted to a 'z'. ie. Baz, Dazza, Loz (sorry Godzilla), Shaz. Names must be spelt in the most ridiculous way possible, especially if you live in the outer Northern or outer Southern suburbs (ie Ambuh, Ky-leigh, Ahmanduh, Britta-knee)

3. Sentences shouldn't be completed, wherever possible. For example, "The lecture was boring as". When in doubt, construct sentences using words not even found in the dictionary (ie Strewth, Grouse, Drongo).

4. Be as vulgar with words and toilet humour as you can. For example, to describe a rather stocky woman, you should say 'she was built like a brick shithouse'. Or to denote going to do a 'number 2', you should say 'I'm going to give birth to a big brown baby boy'. Describe anything you don't like as being 'shitty' or 'crappy' or any other word that describes faeces. In agreeing with someone, the correct terms should be 'f**k, yeah!' or 'yeah, no shit!'. Always refer to your friends in the most degrading way possible, calling them revolting names wherever possible. D**khead, W**ker and other insulting names should be their regular nicknames.

Experiment with the lingo. Part 2 of this lecture is coming soon....