4 cool photos - a little random, I know

I was just filtering through the photos and I came across this one that I took in Tasmania - Wrest Point Casino in Hobart in 2005.

It's made completely of papier mache.

Pretty cool, huh! And I thought my mexican man mask was pretty good. :)

This next photo was taken at the Adelaide Zoo on my birthday 2006. The lioness was looking at a child. It was amusing. I remember saying out loud "Mmmm, she wants to eat the child". The kid heard me and ran quite alarmed back to her mother. He he he he he....

The next photo was one I took only a month ago on the Brisbane River Cat of the Story Bridge. I managed to get a sunset with the bridge in silhouette. Not bad for a camera phone, eh?

This is Simon's cat, Toots. She's so cute! Sorry for the gratuitous cute pet photo but awwww....

My dirty mind...

10 WORDS THAT SOUND SUGGESTIVE BUT ARE ACTUALLY PERFECTLY INNOCENT....

1. Cunning

2. Masticate

3. Sexegenarian

4. Titillation

5. Seaman

6. Condominium

7. Engorge

8. Squirts (as in the Starburst ones)

9. Booby Trap

10. Root beer.


He he he....

Bunk Brisbane: Hell disguised as accommodation

I chose Bunk Brisbane as the accommodation for our ensemble for Nationals for two reasons: the first being that a Brisbane born friend suggested it when I asked her about accommodation in Qld and the second being that it was supposedly an award winning backpackers and had been on Getaway etc. But, wow, do I regret picking this place though! I'm bringing this subject up here on my blog because no site has the facility to review this place anywhere else.

I booked the accommodation for 8 people (thinking we would have 8 on our busiest night) 6 weeks before we left Adelaide. I had to change it a few weeks later to a 6 bed mixed dorm when our numbers declined and received a confirmation of our booking which was correct and stated that we had a 6 bed mixed dorm for 8 nights on Level 3 from Tuesday 18th to Tuesday 25th March. I asked for verbal confirmation also and received the same thing. All in all, I confirmed the booking 4 times. You'd think that'd be enough, right?

We arrived in Brisbane on Tuesday and 20 minutes after we landed in the state, I received a phone call from 'Kelly at Bunk Brisbane' stating that we hadn't shown up for our booking. I said to her 'the booking is for Tuesday night to Tuesday night, not Monday. I've confirmed this several times'. I told her we would be there in 10minutes and I'd sort it out then. I have a sneaking suspicion that during that time, she had to make adjustments to our booking in order to fix the mistake (I reckon she double booked our room) because when we arrived there, we were put in a downstairs room, right next to the communal laundry and cleaner's cupboard – the ass end of the complex. I didn't query it but I should have demanded we get our original room.

Turns out this room was pretty bad. In addition to having no reading lights as advertised (check out their website at http://www.bunkbrisbane.com.au/ for confirmation of this) - which was a problem as it was extremely dim, the room looked nothing like the pictures on the website. The beds had leather covers (anti-piss covers) so were extremely uncomfortable and if the person on the top bunk moved, you thought you were gonna be crushed by a falling bed. Not to mention that you were woken up from the squeaky beds. The room was fitted with an split system airconditioner set permanently to a rather warm 24º. The room was stuffy and smelly with no windows to open, the toilet and shower reeked because of the lack of ventilation and the smell drifted into the sleeping areas, there were no curtains on the window so you were woken up at 5:30am to the morning sun. The room was noisy in the morning due to the cleaners and laundry. The so called 'squeaky clean' consisted of a two second mop with pine-o-cleen. I tested them out by leaving a small ball of hair in the shower. It was still there a week later. There was no real cleaning. The toilet was still gross and the toilet brush would just make it worse cos it was so old and grimy. The toilet door was broken and didn't lock. Bad luck if you were the first person to use the shower in the morning because the drain smelled so bad with the fan off all night. And bad luck if you were the last person too because the bathroom would be flooded due to the bad design of the shower so you'd come out wetter than you were when you were under the shower. The least they could have done is provide a rubber bathmat.

But the worst bit was being woken up three nights in the week in the wee hours of the morning (the first being 3:15am the night before my solo by a bunch of dickhead German backpackers having a foosball tournament in the reception area. I was so angry, I got up in my pjs to go to the reception to ask the front desk to tell them to shut up. The girl just looked at me blankly and said 'What, the TV'. I just said to her 'You are kidding me, right? You can't hear it?'. How bloody rude! And yet, they wouldn't let us put a movie on in the reception at 9pm to watch because of the noise, even though we would have been the only ones that would have been disturbed by it. Grrrr.... The reception staff were completely rude and useless. This happened three times. All it would have taken was a quick word to noisy people but they were just too damn lazy. I had particularly made an effort to tell them when I booked the accommodation that we were competing in a championships but they still put us in the noisiest room anyway. And probably all because someone was incompetent enough to stuff up our booking. The least they could have done is discount the room because of noise, like they had advertised that they did.

They closed the kitchen up at 10:30pm which is ridiculous considering that you could not have food in your rooms. The cleaning staff always seemed to do their cleaning of the kitchen at the busiest time so they just got in your way while you were trying to cook. We had a note left on our food saying 'label your food' to which I wrote back saying 'We already did. Open your eyes!'. It was quite clearly labeled. The kettle went missing on the Saturday morning but noone bothered to replace it the whole time we were there. A Tiffany kettle costs $17.00, the cheaparses. The tea towels were always soaking and the kitchen was so hot sometimes, it was almost unbearable. The microwave leaked (you could feel it cooking your insides if you stood next to it), the toaster burned your food even on the lowest setting and there were never enough cups or plates.

We asked for extra pillows as the ones on the bed were shocking and useless. They told us that they only had two extras but in their window around the corner, they had twenty new pillows on display. One of our party ended up using his quilt as a pillow. We asked for someone to fix our non-working airconditioner only to have the guy say 'I'll be there when I'm not so busy' and then stand around and flirt with some female backpackers for an hour.

We went to wash our clothes on Sunday, only to have the machine refuse to take our coins. One of our party went to get some more washing powder as ours was wasted in the non-working machine. It took him 20 minutes to explain to the clueless girl at reception what the problem was because she was too thick to get the point. And she was Australian. It wasn't like she was a temporary Swedish backpacker. Where do they find these people???

Finally, when we checked out, the girl took back our sheets and keys without even a smile or a thank you for the $1000 we had spent there that week, not to mention all the food and drink we had bought in the bar. The staff were unhelpful, rude and hopeless at their job. The place was overpriced for what it was. It was over-noisy, even for a backpackers and only because the front counter staff didn't do their jobs properly.

And yes, you'll probably say, well, it WAS a backpackers... you can't expect the Hilton. But no, I've stayed in backpackers for half the price that have been absolutely outstanding places to stay. The backpackers that we stayed in Melbourne was two dollars more a night but it was the Ritz in comparison and that was just the service alone. I stayed in a twin room in a backpackers in Launceston for $20 a night and it was better than a motel. We would have got a better sleep in a tent, I reckon, on the banks of the Brisbane river.

One of our party was quite keen to trash the room (you know, prawns in the curtains, if they had had any curtains; sour milk all over the carpet....that kind of thing) on our departure but we didn't for two reasons: One was that they had my credit card details and you know, I reckon they would be low enough to actually debit it without my permission. And the second would be that some poor bastard would have to stay in that room later because they would book it out anyway. The smell would NEVER go away and God forbid the Bunk staff would ever clean it properly. I wouldn't begrudge that on my worst enemy.

May I make a suggestion. Don't stay at Bunk Brisbane, even if you're broke and can't afford anywhere else. Stay in a caravan park if you're looking for accommodation because you'll get better quality there.

Anybody who reviews Bunk Brisbane as fantastic was obviously drunk the whole time they stayed there. And to the people at this hostel, let this be a lesson to you. A happy customer will tell one person. An unhappy one will tell 100.

Nix's Womad Wrap Up 2008

It had been quite a number of years since I had been to WOMAD for the whole weekend so last year, a friend and I vowed that we would go for the full length in 2008. And so when it came to buying tickets, I was sweating a little.At $200 a ticket, it was not cheap. But after the WOMAD weekend, I am pleased that I sacrified eating for two weeks to afford to go, regardless of the fact that the temperature was in the high 30s for the whole weekend. But I was all ready and prepared to face the nasal onslaught of B.O., incense and wacky tabacki...

Friday night introduced us to the beginning of an array of different musical cultures. The moment we got in the gate, we upheld our tradition of heading straight for the cider tent. After all, it is not WOMAD without the first pint of cider. K said that she needed the first cider in order to relax and not worry about all the things she had possibly forgotten. I just wanted cider, because I'm a pisshead.

Friday night promised us much musical variation. We chose the Joji Hirota Trio first over at the smaller Zoo stage – a Japanese Taiko percussionist trio which was a welcome beginning to the weekend, although it amazes me how physical the performance was still, regardless of the scorching heat, even in the early hours of the evening. They were full of spirit and life, although I'm not sure how that kind of performance could translate itself into a recorded performance. And it always amazes me how those percussionists can keep a steady beat but our concert band drummers can't. Damn drummers....

Following this, we decided to pick up some dinner at the Global Food area and head off to see Beirut, the first of a number of acts pre-planned to see. Beirut presented a miriad of cultures in the one band, the Lebanese influence clear in certain numbers. We were amazed to see just how many instruments one of the performers in this ensemble was able to play – we saw him play clarinet, saxophone, ukelele, euphonium, trumpet and trombone (amongst other instruments that we couldn't see because of people's big fat heads in front of us.

During this performance, we began our long winded search for Edgy's friends who were supposed to be at the same performance, although we were buggered if we could see them. But then again, when you have the instruction “We're sitting about 250m left of the sound booth, near a large tree”, I'm not surprised that we couldn't find them. What?? Trees?? In Botanic Park?? Never!

We decided to get dessert before John Butler Trio began on stage 2 but this turned out to not be the best idea. By the time we had managed to battle the long lines at the global food area, JBT had started and the crowd was MASSIVE. So we decided that it would be smarter to go find a good posi at Clube de Balanco's performance for the next hour. It was there that K decided that she was going to be the biggest nerd in history by blogging from the event, using the WiFi Internet linkup in the park. I thought I was a nerd for blogging at work, let alone at a music festival. :)

After Clube de Balanco, we decided to move over to Stage 1 so we could find a good spot to sit for Mavis Staples, the US soul singer (who I didn't know until a couple of weeks earlier when she was on the TV documentary Soul Deep on the ABC) . I have to say, by this point, I was suffering majorly from hayfever due to the dry grass and massive cloud of dust at stage 1. I was also exhausted, having worked all day in 38 degrees. The funniest part of this performance was hearing her try and pronounce Adelaide. She finally settled on Lemonade when it became too difficult. The crowd, luckily, was a very jovial, light hearted and relaxed one so didn't take it personally. I was beginning to sleep sitting down so I stood up but still couldn't see anything. I am such a short ass. This was the biggest mistake because we decided to walk home after this performance which took a lot longer than anticipated. Unfortunately I had a Witches of Eastwick rehearsal at 9am the next morning so as you can imagine, I was most enthusiastic showing up to that. Probably explains my less than tight playing...

We began our Saturday Womad experience with a spiritual journey through Indian ragas with Manjiri Kelkar. I found it amazing that her sitar player (or some similar instrument) was able to follow her improvised singing directly after she had sung a note, imitating her almost perfectly without written music. It was beautiful. After her understated, personal performance at the Speakers Corner, we travelled around the Global Art and Craft tents where K and Edgy kindly bought a dress for me that I'm not yet able to fit, but I will someday, dammit.

We then sat down on the grass ages away from stage 2 to listen to the Titi Robin Quartet, of which, I'm ashamed to say, I can't remember much. It clearly was not my favourite act as it has not ingrained much in my brain. I was more insistent on mentioning all the fantastic seed pod hats that I kept seeing and trying to convince Edgy that it would be a good couture investment.

We then headed back to the zoo to watch theJoseph Tawadros Trio, an Egyptian oud player with a percussionist and a funk jazz bass player. Very interesting indeed. I felt quite sorry for poor Joseph (without reference to Andrew Lloyd Webber....), though, as his oud kept going out of tune in the extreme heat so he probably had to cut down his set by a couple of numbers just to tune properly.

By now, it was scorchingly hot, so we were making the most of the cool down tent (a marquee with jet streams of water). We were going to watch Kutcha Edwards, for lack of a better option, but we didn't quite get there. Instead we were distracted by the wackiness of the Zic Zazou brass band musicians in a makeshift carousel. They played the most awesome version of my favourite hymn 'Abide with Me' which was like some kind of theme and variations. Their set consisted of hitting the side of the carousel like percussion, dancing around and singing songs like 'Up the Workers' which used every Aussie product icon they could think of in the lyrics. The funniest bit however was when K went up to one of the performers at the end to congratulate them on a great performance and he said to her 'We much prefer orgies”. Ha ha ha....

May I add, we still had not run into Edgy's friends, nor Nads or Anna or Steve, like we had hoped. We had however run into Nat, Big Al's daughter who came to Nationals with us. And we had run into Flexi.
We planned at this point to meet up with Edgy's friends D & D early so that we could have dinner with them. So we headed over to stage 2, determined to get a good position for John Butler Trio. We did. Right in front of the sound booth where we were easily found. Finally Edgy's friends met up with us. As expected, JBT were fantastic, with an amazing solo from the drummer and a gorgeous instrumental of which the name eludes me. But as usual, I couldn't see a bloody thing unless I stood on my real tip toes. But Edgy's friend D could see even less so I had a one up on her.

We then made the added mistake of going back to the Global Food tent where it was crazily busy with everyone deciding to eat at the same time. But the strawberry pancakes were worth the wait.

Later in the evening came the highlight of my weekend, I think. We headed over to the Moreton Bay stage under the plane trees to watch a solo act by Victor Valdes of the Mariachi band. I never thought that Mexican mariachi bands would work with a harp but it did. It was a gorgeous experience full of exuberance and poignancy. I thoroughly enjoyed it, as did the crowd around us. And it was the most friendly experience as well, the people sitting next to us engaging us in conversation (and accidently squirting K in the face...hehehehe) and had cooled down enough to be completely comfortable and relaxing. The amazing part about it was that the majority of his band was missing so it made it all the more enjoyable a performance with the harp playing multiple parts at once. Just beautiful.

Finally, we headed to the Speakers Corner where Nikodemus, the New York DJ, mixed multicultural sounds in a fantastic way. If I wasn't so tired, I would have insisted on staying longer to experience more of it. Paired with the really tasty iced chai and the even tastier guarana chocolate ball, it was a great end to a great day. And I am amazed that K still had the energy to dance heavily after the full day that we had had. But she was as pumped up as the Energizer bunny. I was, on the other hand, stuffed, like a roast rabbit. I was so glad Edgy drove that day. My own private taxi. :)

Sunday, we were luckily a little more energetic, having slept in a little after the night's events. Although we had every intention of getting there for Susanna Baca, it just didn't happen however. Come on, it was Sunday! We got there just before 1pm and completely by chance, ran into Anna and Steve who had got the great posi under some trees for the day. We watched Idan Raichel Project from the comfort of their very large picnic area next to stage 1. We caught up with our friend B and her friend M. It was B's first experience of Womad so I hope this weekend was a positive experience for her, despite the dodgy events that happened later on that night.

Since the Mariachi band were playing in full this time, we opted to go and see them instead of Watussi who also sounded really good. However, I think that the whole band playing made the performance less magical and we were slightly disappointed with the full band, opting to go to Watussi for the rest of their set. Watussi were great, a full energetic combination of rock, funk, afro cuban soul and hip hop. They were similar to many bands that I like and admire so it'll definitely be one band I'll be chasing up further in the future. I might have to spend my $20 voucher on their cd. :) And I might be checking them out if they have a gig when we're in Sydney in 2009.

It was now so hot, it was positively evil. We spent a great deal of time squirting each other with the spray bottle and recovering under the cooling-down tent. It was amusing to see the bog of mud where the water fountain had been (and apparently teenagers had been belly sliding through the mud earlier). We watched Toumani Diabate's Symmetric Orchestra from the comfort of the shade at stage 1, while I recovered from what felt like heat stroke. When we thought we had recovered sufficiently, we headed over to the shade by stage 2 to be treated to a jazz funk experience presented by Billy Cobham and his septet (featuring a saxophone member of the Daly Wilson Big Band). Although slightly lacking in the 'world music' factor, it was nevertheless a treat for lovers of modern jazz. It was dinner time and once again, we battled the crowds to get food.

The fact that the Samba Parade (featuring the familiar faces of the Billy Hyde Raider drummers that I know) went through just as we headed over to the All Star Gala didn't help my excruciating headache. I was actually quite disappointed with the All Star Gala – the best part of it was the part I had already seen. The immense skill and energy of the Joji Hirota was the only really impressive part of the gala. It was suggested by Edgy that the All Star Gala should be at the beginning of the event so you get a glimpse of what is to come and what you might like to experience in full at the festival. I totally agree. All that the All Star Gala achieved was to give people a taste of what, in a lot of cases, they had missed.

I was pleased, however, that my Sunday experience dramatically improved with my other highlight of the festival: The Terem Quartet. Consisting of an accordion, two lutes and a contra bass balalaika, the quartet were full of humour, energy and extremely impressive musicianship. They took us on a journey of Russian folk music, interspersed with humorous renditions of Bach's Toccata and Fugue and Lalo Schifrin's Mission: Impossible. The contrabass balalaika was incredible to watch and the quartet performed with tongue-in-cheek verve. They deserved the standing ovation that they received both for their music, their wacky costumes and the accordion player's funny hair.

As we returned from the Terem Quartet, I was amazed to see the massive energised crowd screaming for David D'Or on stage 1, who was entertaining the crowd with a pure Eurovision-esque performance. In hindsight, it would have been interesting to watch him earlier on in the festival but oh well, you can't watch it all. In amongst drunk dancing revellers, we took photos of the incredible work of the French pyros who decorated the Eastern part of the park with fireballs, engraved pipes and what looked to me like burning crosses. :/ When I grow up, I wanna be an arsonist like them.

We sat down at stage 3 to watch Cesaria Evora's band who were a bunch of troopers playing without their leading lady (who was in hospital in Sydney suffering from a mild stroke – I hope she has recovered okay). Despite missing their singer, the band played with great skill and musicianship, replacing the vocal line with a soprano saxophone. I thoroughly enjoyed their performance and will probably investigate a recording of this ensemble also. We then headed back via a much needed coffee fix (which I might add, succumbed to the same opinion of coffee retailers as I mentioned in my last blog post about the presence of 'large and jumbo' cups.) to the 'home base' where Anna and Steve were to get a comfortable position for Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings. Very Tower of Power-esque, the band were kick arse, only highlighted by the diva's presence. The crowd were very demanding of an encore but they sadly didn't get one as the band refused to reappear.

We trekked all the way to Speakers Corner to get some more iced chai for the final performance of the evening and the one I had been looking forward to: The Tibetan Monks. In 2001, I remember falling asleep to the harmonic singing as it echoed through the park air. It was beautiful.

However, several things changed this year. The first was that the beginning piece that Tenzin Choegyal and his monks performed used this kind of weird alp-horn like instrument that, I'm sorry to say, sounded quite dubious. I made the error of saying to K that one of the monks had clearly had a bad curry and it was called vindaloo for a reason. Well, that set her off pissing herself laughing and then, of course, every time it sounded, we were both in hysterics. Then, in addition, we had this guy behind us who insisted on squirting his spray bottle continually throughout the calming performance. I felt like turning around and shooting a jet stream directly in his face. But it was nevertheless a spiritual moving performance, despite these things. And was I pleased to get the damn wristicket band off my wrist!

And B, I hope you have recovered sufficiently from your nasty bout of asthma after the festival of dust and it hasn't prevented you from wanting to experience the festival next year. It would be a shame for you to miss out for that...

All in all, what makes WOMADelaide so special is that the crowds of people are amazingly relaxed, jovial and everyone is kind to everybody else. This woman who complained rudely about the food at the Indian curry place on Friday night should have been punched in the face by me – she has missed what the festival is all about. It s about cooperation ,acceptance, tolerance and world culture. Not about how a butter chicken recipe from a portable food outlet wasn't to her specifications, the stupid bitch. But she was a rarity.

It was a scorching weekend all three days and noone cared. People were dancing, screaming, jumping around and it still sold out. The park was a ball of dust, dry grass and tobacco enough to set anyone off sneezing. But noone cared.

Everybody is there purely for the music, not to cause trouble or fight or push people around. Noone complains and everyone prepares ahead of time, being sensible with sunscreen and plenty of water. SA Police and St John had hardly any real problems and that is almost unheard of in festivals. There is a remarkable lack of police (probably due to the fact that there was only one donut retailer) but there is an acceptable reason for it. Noone causes any trouble. Everyone is happy and co-operative. And always have been in the history of the festival. It is a wonderful atmosphere filled with culture and experience, a great place for young and old alike. I encourage anyone who has not experienced the festival to do their absolute best to get a ticket for next year's festival.

Even if it's just to get a fantastic pointy seed pod hat I finally got.

Best hat ever!

Nix's Whinge-A-Thon 2008

I've decided to get this all off my chest all in one go!

These are my pet peeves for 2008.

1. Teenage service attendants. Back in high school, I worked my ass off to try and get a part-time job, only to be turned down time and time again by the managers of McDonalds, Subway, Hungry Jacks, Crazy Horse..... I was a smart kid. I got good grades, had a good work ethic, I could articulate well enough and was well presented. But I never got past an interview.

But still, these days, it shits me to tears that I go into a supermarket and when I get to the counter, the 12 year old serving me says 'Hi, how are you?' WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING UP AT ME! GRRRR! I am so sick of the phony politeness that they are forced to do by their trainers, laced with insincerity. And I am fed up of having to repeat everything I say because they haven't listened the first time (even though it was them who asked the same written-out questions they ask everyone). There are so many people out there who are struggling to find work (adults particularly) who never get these jobs because the inarticulate morons they hire are cheaper to pay.

A fellow con student (who shall remain nameless) said to me a while back that at her franchised workplace, she is polite to the customers right up until about 4:45pm because it's the end of the day and then she just wants to go home because she's tired. I'm sorry but that pisses me off. The customer at 2 minutes to 5pm is just as important as the customer at 9am or at 1:30pm. Don't they teach that when they train their staff??????

The majority of teenage service attendants are rude, insincere and act like they don't want to be there. And yet, me, a willing polite and efficient kid, never got those jobs. It makes me angry. I stopped off at McDonalds a while back at Collinswood where this young girl served me at the drive through. She was gorgeous - she greeted me with a massive smile, got my order right without me having to repeat myself and was genuinely polite and helpful. What time was it, you might ask?

It was 3am. I felt like sending her a big bunch of flowers for being the first teenager to be polite to me ever in a fast food drive through.

2. Fast food restaurant lingo. Billy Connelly once said that it pisses him off when McDonalds won't understand that you want a chicken burger unless there's a Mc in front of it. He basically goes 'How about I stick a McFork in your McFucking McEyeball?'

Ay ay to that. The other morning, I stopped off at a BP On the Run to grab a coffee before work. I went up to the counter and ordered a large latte. Pretty simple order. And the girl looked at me blankly and said 'What size?'. So I said, "uh, the largest one". and she says "Do you mean the grande or the max"? I said to her, "the largest one". And it still took her 2 minutes to work it out. And even then, as she grabbed the wrong sized cup, I had to correct her.

Since when has 'small, medium, large and extra-large' become difficult to understand? Why the f**k do coffee franchises and fast food restaurants change the standard names on their products to make it difficult for their customers to order anything. They just DON'T understand if you don't order it in their stupid '"El Smallo, Regulatory and Gargantuan". I order a large latte just simply because it's even harder to order a medium one. I'm waiting for the day they name the size of the cups the same way they label tampons 'Mini, Regular and Super'.



3. People who mispronounce words (either deliberately or accidently). The use of the English language has become so lazy these days. If I hear one more person that says 'appree SEE ate' instead of appreeSHEEate', I will scream!!!!!! It gets my hackles up big time. That goes for 'vi-tamins' instead of VY-tamines. And HA-rassment instead of ha-RASS-ment.

South Australia is fast becoming New South Wales in their increasingly lazy pronunciation. We are fast becoming the state of 'Skew-uls' (instead of Skool) and 'Grafs' (instead of Grah-fs) and 'Ca-sel' (instead of Cah-sel). Oh and don't even get me started on people who say 'be-corrrs' instead of 'be-coz'.

4. People who diss Adelaide. The Adelaide vs Melbourne debate has been on everybody's lips lately. But have you noticed that there are no born-and-bred South Aussies dissing Adelaide? The only ones who are criticising Adelaide are people who have left our state now or have moved here from the eastern states. So all this stuff about how even South Aussies are criticising Adelaide is a load of bollocks. The majority of Adelaideans love Adelaide. They choose to live here because its a great city. It may not be the entertainment central of Australia or a great leader in innovation, architecture and business. But that's what makes it great. It's a sleepy little town that's friendly, warm and inviting.

It's the fact that we can walk from one side of the CBD to the other in 10 minutes. It's the fact that we don't have to pay $10 to get on public transport each day. It's the fact that visitors arrive through the Adelaide hills when driving in from Melbourne or Sydney- sure beats the shit heap that is Deer Park.

It's the fact that we don't have to buy interstate wine to get a nice drop to have with our dinner. It's the fact that the skyline hasn't been tainted yet by the ugliness of high rises. I don't live here because I want us to be a state that's moving forward in business, innovation and tourism. I live here because its my home and I never feel like I'm being overwhelmed by bustle and the architectural equivalent of a wet fart.

As far as I'm concerned, the people who don't like Adelaide can fuck off and stay away. Those who live here now (that were originally from other states) can go back where they came from and leave those of us who love our little city in peace.

5. Unqualified or illeducated instrumental music teachers. People who are attempting to make money out of teaching instruments, regardless of whether they are qualified to do so, really piss me off. I am so sick and tired of correcting terrible technique because the teachers my students have come from have not taught them the right way. There are generations of people who think that just because they can get a note out of the instrument, that gives them the skill to teach. WRONG! All it does is frustrate the students who, for the rest of their playing lives, struggle with certain things due to poor technique. Some just simply give up because it's all too hard for them to get over. Others unfortunately become teachers too and pass their bad habits on to their students.

I had a mature age student a while back who I charged $20 per half hour to teach. This is a standard rate - if not, a bit under the going rate these days. One day, suddenly, he said to me, I'm gonna learn from a lady next door who charges $10 a lesson. I asked him if she was a qualified teacher or a professional player. He said 'no, she was just a lady who had played clarinet for a while'. I later found out that the teacher he had gone to was a woman in a band that I had played in who had some of the worst technical habits I had ever seen. I just felt quite despondent that I was losing a good capable student to a woman who was, no doubt, going to destroy his potential. And all for the sake of $10. Besides the fact that people like that, giving substandard tuition, make it twice as hard for us qualified teachers to make a living because they are taking all our students by charging half our rate.



6. The Clipsal 500 and the dickhead drivers that it produces. This basically applies to anyone driving a Holden or Ford V6 and highter or turbo charged Nissan.


The Clipsal 500 is the bane of my existence. In addition to causing no end of traffic jams in the eastern suburbs (for which the residents should be compensated in their council rates), in turn causing a mass increase in greenhouse gases from idling cars, it produces a multitude of extra wankers on the road. The Clipsal 500 encourages every idiot with a V6 or higher to imitate the people they've just seen on the track for the next month. I am scared to be on the road in March for fear of being wiped out by some testosterone-charged bastard with a licence and a high powered (and might I add, ordinary) car.

The one major problem with working in the northern/north eastern suburbs are the dickhead drivers I face everyday. The other day I was driving in an 80 zone towards Mawson Lakes and this dangerous prick drove up behind me, got within 2 metres of me before changing lanes and sped past me at double my speed. When he went to cut in front of me, he lost control and spun out, narrowly missing me by a metre or so, before ending up on the side of the road next to me. I almost had a heart attack. If he had hit me, I would have been wiped out completely - my life would have been over. All because this fuckwit decided to exert his driving authority over me. I was so angry that I felt myself wishing that he'd rolled his car into a tree.


I am so sick of wankers in Commodores tailgating me all the time. The problem is, even if they don't change lanes to pass me, they sit behind so close that I find myself having to speed in order to get a safe distance away from them. Where the friggin' hell are the cops?????? I have yet to see a single police car monitoring this on the stretch between Montague Road and Mawson Lakes Boulevard. And yet, the radars are unfairly positioned 2 metres into the 60 zone as it drops from 80 at the tollgate on the South Eastern freeway, where drivers struggle to get their speed down enough without wearing out their brakes. Where's the equality?


Why the hell do we need cars that can go 200 kmph when the maximum speed is 110 anywhere in South Australia? Cars should be made to be speed limited by law. And no person under the age of 25 should be allowed the privilege of a high powered car of any sort (and not be allowed to travel with more than one passenger under the age of 25 also).


7. The fact that concert bands in Australia get no support. Basically, concert bands are treated like crap in Australia. We live in a very brass band orientated community and so those of us that play saxophone, clarinet, flute, oboe and bassoon, have very little opportunity for a musical outlet. The fact that there are 12 people in TOTAL in the concert solos this year in Brisbane is shameful (particularly since at least 2 of those are brass players). I am taking 3 days off work to compete against myself. How unfair is that? Where is the support and encouragement for concert bands? The possibilities that a concert band presents are much more versatile than a brass band (as much as I love the brass band sound). It is very different, rich in timbres and much easier to play a more versatile program.


If this was the US, it wouldn't be the case as there is a very large band community in the states but here, it's virtually non-existent. I'm worried that I will have to move interstate even to play for fun soon because the South Australian concert band community is struggling to maintain a decent standard.


Let's give some more support to our woodwind players who quite often present as high a standard of performance as brass players.


8. Rich people who assume that everyone is exactly like them. I have never had much money. Ever. We were always struggling as a family and now as I am independent, that is still the case. I work my ass off for much less than someone else doing the same hours (I can think of a few friends who are a good example of the latter). It's extremely frustrating. But what is more frustrating is the people who just assume that they are the most important thing to be paid and take no consideration to the fact that maybe they are not my highest priority. Take for example, the bank.

I hate the bank I'm with. I have been increasingly more disappointed with the substandard service they are offering their customers. And this last incident has taken the cake for me and has forced me to make the decision to move my money elsewhere after 29 years.

I have two accounts. One was overdrawn by $137. The other account - my business account - had over a thousand. On Monday last week, I transferred the thousand into another investment account with another financial institution. But of course, it doesn't happen for a day or so. So I was assuming the next morning that I would have $55 in the account still to pay for the petrol I put in my car. But no, my account bounced when I tried to pay for the petrol. How humiliating. So I left my mobile phone there as collateral and went to work. I called the bank and they told me that because one of my accounts was overdrawn, they had taken $137 out of my business account to pay the debt. So this had now overdrawn my business account by $80 (because of the $1000 that had come out at the same time).

Well I, to put it mildly, spat the dummy. How dare they take money out of an account that has nothing to do with the overdrawn one. Just because it's with the same bank doesn't give them the right to steal money out my account. Anyway, the collections guy I talked to at the bank recognised that what they had done was illegal and transferred $137 back into my business account.

Three days later I got home to find a letter stating that I had been charged a $38 fee for overdrawing that account. And it has now taken almost a week and I still have not been reimbursed for that money. How the HELL can they get away with this stuff? My account was NEVER overdrawn. There is no record of an overdrawn account on my transaction list and surely if they override their decision, the fees should be overriden too as it was not my fault. I'm so fed up. What makes them think that they are the most important people that I need to pay. They have received literally hundreds of dollars from me in the last couple of years in fees and charges. I have rent, electricity, food to buy. How dare they? So all because they decided to break the law, they've just lost a customer that has been with them since she was born. I've had enough.


Anyway, that's enough whinging for one day. Phew!

Nix's Top 15 Most Irritating Songs. Ever.

This is in no particular order…since they’re equally awful in so many ways.

1. No-one – Alicia Keys. I hate songs that sound like the singer is pushing out a turd as they sing. That crack in her voice as she whines drives me insane. And in the now 3 weeks since I’ve been in this temp assignment, I’ve had to listen to it three times a day. And why the hell does she have to end every friggin’ phrase on the same note!!!! ARRRRGGGGHHHH!

2. Punk Rocker – Sandi Thom. Is it just me or is someone else annoyed that she speaks of punk rockers with “flowers in her hair”. Since when do punk rockers wear flowers in their hair?????? More like pins in their nose and Mohawks!!! She’s got the wrong era!!!!!!!! It annoys the crap out of me that she made millions out of a mediocre hit when she doesn’t even know anything about the music era. Dumbass.

3. Love Generation – Bob Sinclair. Mmmmm, don’t even get me started on the whistling song. This rates about as highly as the crazy frog song for me.

4. I Never Liked You – The Rogue Traders. When is someone gonna tell Natalie Bassingthwaite that she CAN’T SING FOR SHIT!!!!!! She sounds like Malibu Stacey in this song. And I don’t think it’s deliberate. I hate her so much. She’s an airhead bimbo masquerading as a ‘tough broad’. I have earwax with more talent.

5. Beautiful Girls – Sean Kingston. He’s taken a great bassline by Leiber and Stoller (Stand By Me) and put his RIDICULOUS lyrics on the top, with that horrible repeat of ‘in denial, in denial’. It makes me want to rip off my arm and whack myself over the head with it repeatedly.

6. Me Love – Sean Kingston. The lyrics go “Oh oh oh oh oh oh, why’d you have to go-oh away from home, me love”. Why???? Because you’re a dickhead, you’re embarrassing and untalented. Get over it!

7. The Rose – Bette Midler. One of the worst songs ever written. It has painfully bad lyrics, a juvenile melody and we all know what I think of the ‘less than divine Miss M’.

8. Big Big World – Emilia. Do you guys remember that song? It literally sounded like a nursery rhyme. She couldn’t sing. She sounded like a 4 year old. The song was shit. Name one thing that made this good! And yet she made money on it.

9. Straight Line – silverchair. I usually have a lot of respect for the Newcastle boys. But this song is like pulling teeth. It’s okay until he trys to ‘rock out’ by putting the chorus up an octave. UGHHHHH! The hairs on my arm stand up every time. And not in a good way. I hate it so much.

10. My Humps – Black Eyed Peas. That band has some fantastic hits and some even more spectacular misses. This is one of the misses. What the hell were they thinking? Why do they have to glorify people checking out girl’s tits and ass? Fergie sets back women’s lib 50 years!

11. Spank – Dirty South feat Boogie Fresh. This song is irritating and offensive. “Don’t matter if you can’t dance, just make that ass bounce, just shake what your daddy gave ya. Gonna make you spank.”
If we buy these singles, we’re basically telling them it’s okay to objectify women. And who let that untalented moron in the recording studio in the first place. The way he speaks the verses makes me want to stab him with a pencil.

12. Can’t Get You Outta My Head – Kylie. Most post 90s Kylie songs will make this list, actually, but this one is a particular ‘highlight’. What I hate the most about Kylie is the fact that noone has picked up that she’s a nostril singer! She sings through her nose, dammit. She’s so nasal and whiny. Why has noone noticed? At least pre-millenium, you could excuse her for being young. But what the hell is her excuse now?????!!!!

13. My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion. Or should I say ‘My Heart Will Go On and On and On and On...’. I lost all respect for James Horner after this song. Paired with the fact that this was the theme tune to one of the worst movies ever made, it’s a double whammy.

14. Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani. I loved Gwen Stefani. Once. I was very upset when she released this. No Doubt were a great ska band. Then she comes out with this piece of excrement. The worst bit about it is that the school I work out let underage students wearing hardly anything perform a cheerleading routine to this at a school concert. I was a hair’s breadth away from ripping my teeth out.

15. Get The Party Started – Pink. I’d admit it…. Pink was on the right track. I actually owned a Pink album once. She’s a smart girl. But what spectacular head injury/neurological collapse/drug induced coma caused her to do this song. It’s so unspeakably awful and horribly irritating, I want to stick pins in my eyes. And for more than one reason. I saw a 60 year old skank perform this at a karaoke bar. How dare Pink inflict that on me?

**Amendment to post - I would just like to add that if I hear one more song where the singer says "buh-lieve" instead of "be-lieve", I will go on a psychotic rampage, I swear! Delta will be first!

The day our balls got polished

I am a true South Australian. I take pride in the quirks of our state. And I was pretty distraught to go into Rundle Mall a few months ago and discover that someone had taken our balls. To have them polished. I thought they were gone forever. The mall's balls are a true South Australian icon. And so I was relieved to see them back - polished in their wonderful glory.


To be a genuine Adelaidean, you have to take pride in the eccentricities of our humble little city. Do you know ANYONE who hasn't tried to 'ride' the bronze pigs? I have several inebriated photos of people (who shall remain nameless) mounting the pig that is scavenging in the fake bin.

And who hasn't organised to meet people at the mall's balls? Or Darryl Lea.? Or Pulteney Street Hungry Jacks as a pre-binge drinking hotspot (and visited the same Hungry Jacks at 4am when there is nothing else open)?

Adelaide is full of wonderful crazy nutters who, in other states, would be avoided like the plague. After all, what kind of a city would not only revere a guy who has a penchant for hula hoops, gumboots, lycra tights and speedosbut actually remember his name? He is FAMOUS in other states now because those non-Adelaidean celebrities are fascinated by the man we all call..... Johnny Haysman.And how about the little man who plays keyboard (and most recently, a kiddie xylophone) on Rundle Street (and sometimes outside the Myer Centre)? A few years back, a friend of a friend actually got him to pose for a photo but I never got a copy. You'd think after decades of practicing and playing, this little keyboard 'prodigy' would get better, wouldn't you? But he hasn't improved musically at all. There goes my hope of getting my students to practice.

And what about the man who used to sing light opera in a stripy red and white suit and boater. Or the man with the top hat and skinny jeans?

Only in Adelaide do people actually buy wedding cakes made out of Balfours Frog Cakes.

Only Adelaideans actually eat a meat pie drowned in pea soup. (Hands up who misses the Balfours Pie Cart outside the casino....).

Only Adelaideans like my drunken sister would actually approach the crazy man who collected cans in Rundle Mall and tell him that he changed her life (because he sang the wrong words in Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head when she was a tiddler). We called him 'The Man With The Cans'. Since then, he has disappeared off the face of the earth.

Only Adelaideans can claim the 1 degree of separation between other Adelaideans. I don't think I've ever gone anywhere and not met up with someone who knows someone I know through weird connections. Only in Adelaide can you claim that you had a brush with fame because you bumped into Helen from Designer Direct. And I don't think there is a South Australian around that doesn't want to go looking for the fucking annoying guy and girl from the Cafe Primo ads to tell them they're wankers.

Noone in Adelaide actually wanted to go to the Grand Prix but we're damned if we're gonna forgive Melbourne for taking it from us. In fact, any excuse to bag Victoria is a good one. And I'm sorry, but SA beer is so much better than Victoria beer. VB: What beer would taste like if your butt had a spout?

I'm feeling full of South Aussie pride just thinking about all this. Adelaide is a great city.

We have balls.

Jingle All The Fucking Way

Nix's Christmas Rap....

Yo, all my homies....listen out! Put your hands up in the air.....

.....if you were disappointed with the Christmas crackers this year.

STOP! Hammertime!


Now you're probably thinking that I'm on crack right now but yes, I was gonna write a rap. But I couldn't find a rhyme for incompetent christmas cracker manufacturer pricks. So that was the end of that.

It is a tradition in the Molloy family household to wear the ridiculous paper hats and read the unspeakably awful jokes out of the Christmas crackers. (We've already lost all hope years ago for the little toy in the Christmas cracker, although we were concerned this year that it was rigged. My nan got a full Snakes and Ladders game whilst I got a plastic Stegasauras. That did nothing. It could have at least rattled).

Anyway, excitement was in the air. I was the first to pull my cracker (actually, let me rephrase that....that sounds slightly off.....)....I was the first to open the cracker. And you could have cut the anticipation with a knife. I pulled out the little piece of paper that usually holds the comedic gold and.......

WHOP! It hit me. There were no jokes. There were quotes. And not good ones too. NO JOKES!!!!! I have such fond memories of jokes like "What's big, grey and wears glass slippers? Cinderelephant." I was so looking forward to: Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9.

But nothing. My Christmas was ruined.

I'm writing a stern letter to the christmas cracker people. Cos it's just not on.

Please please please post your Christmas cracker jokes on here or on Facebook. Cos I'm feeling like cancelling future Christmases.

I wanna be like Mike (from Monsters Inc, that is)

WHAT ANIMATED FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU LOOK LIKE?

Have you ever noticed how the woman out of the Profix ad looks EXACTLY like Falcor, the Luck Dragon, out of Neverending Story?

She has the same flared nostrils, I swear to God!!!

I tried to get a photo of her to show you but I guess she's just not famous enough to come up in Google images. Anyone got any suggestions cos I could put her next to Falcor the Luck Dragon and you can see!

And it got me thinking...I reckon everyone has their own animated/puppet double.

For example:

Kim Clijsters looks exactly like..........Princess Fiona in Shrek (the ogre Fiona, not the pretty one)


Kevin Rudd looks like Butters from South Park or Dr Bunsen Honeydew from The Muppet Show

John Howard looks like Mr Sheen or Penfold from Danger Mouse.

Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like Herman Munster

Animated or otherwise, George W Bush looks like a chimp.

I wanna find my fictional character. Which character do I look like, people? And please don't say Shrek. :)

The World's Stupidest Lyrics are here!

I was listening to 891 the other afternoon and they played Elinor by The Turtles. That song never ceases to crack me up. The lyrics are so appallingly bad, it's almost endearing. But that's not to say that all songs are that cute.

Elinor - The Turtles

Elinor, gee I think you're swell
And you really do me well
You're my pride and joy, etcetera...

Etcetera???!!! Are they serious????

McCarthur Park

Someone left the cake out in the rain...
I don't think I can take it, cos it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again....oh noooooooooooooo!

All I can say is I'm so pleased this song was actually a joke. Cos if he was serious, I'd be very concerned.

One of Us - Joan Osbourne

If God had a face, what would it look like
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like heaven and in jesus and the saints and all the prophets

And yeah yeah god is great yeah yeah god is good yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
What if God was one of us, just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home
He's trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the pope maybe in rome

Do you think Joan Osbourne might have owned a rhyming dictionary? This makes me cringe!

Des'ree - Life

I don't want to see a ghost,
It's the sight that I fear most,
I'd rather have a piece of toast,
And watch the evening news

I think this one takes the accolades for the worst ever!

Ode To Press Gang

This is the best show ever! I've been reliving my childhood on a loop for the last 3 months. This is such a clever show for a little British kid's programme. Steven Moffatt has since then sold his soul by writing 'Couplings' which has never equalled Press Gang's wit and vibrancy. This show also launched the careers of quite a few cast members: Julia Sawalha (later seen as Saffy in Absolutely Fabulous, as well as in Jonathon Creek and as the lead voice in Chicken Run). Dexter Fletcher (who went on to Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels....using his OWN voice, not the slightly-off American one) and Gabrielle Anwar (who was the woman whose scent it was in Scent of A Woman as well as that really bad movie The Concierge with Michael J Fox).

This show reminds me of when I was a kid and how obsessed I was with this. I wasn't much younger than some of the kids in it and so it came at a pretty good time for me. It was nice to watch a kid's show with a little bit more intelligence. I'm surprised I didn't become a journalist after watching it. I loved Spike (I used to think he was so adorable - now he just appears to have been a cute kid with funny lips doing a rather half-assed American accent) and the dialogue he got to spew. Lynda reminded me of myself - rather bossy and short-tempered - which is probably why I liked the show. He he....

My favourite episodes are:

The one where Spike is trapped under the collapsed building

The one on "Crazy Stuff", the TV show where Spike 'surprises'

Lynda. I remember Holly being able to quote this in high school.

The one with the crazed hostage taker in the clown's mask

(that one was a two parter)

The one where Lynda gets locked in a vault.

And I've got Edgy addicted to it too. :) He doesn't want to admit it though. He he.

Nicky's List of Movie Scenes that are FULLY SIK! Part 2

Continuing on from my last movie scene post....

1. There's this scene in The Truth about Cats and Dogs when Janeanne Garofalo and Uma Thurman are talking while walking down the street and Janeanne Garofalo goes "I don't expect you to understand this....You burp and guys think it's adorable; you puke and they line up to hold your hair back" and Uma Thurman says "I can tell you for a FACT that that's not true". And just as she says that, a guy rides past, gets distracted by Uma Thurman, tries to impress her by one-wheeling his bike and almost hits a car. It's a CACK. :)

2. The opening 20 minutes or so from Speed is one of the most tense movie moments I've ever experienced. I get rather claustrophobic so the mere thought of an elevator dropping is terrifying to me. The whole bit where it keeps dropping inch by inch as they are trying to get the people out had me on the edge of my seat....I know I know, it's pathetic. :)

3. The worst line ever spoken in a recent movie (I'm not saying it's the worst ever because I think Plan 9 From Outer Space takes that accolade) HAS to be the one spoken by Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. It's one of his first lines in the movie (if not the first) and it is "This is English courage" in the twangiest American accent imaginable. Every time I hear it, I cringe. It's really funny....you should check it out.

4. The scene in Star Wars when the storm trooper hits his head. Need I say more?

5. The accolades for the best line in a movie for me has to go to Cher as Alexandra Medford in The Witches of Eastwick. It's spoken to Jack Nicholson and goes like this:

"I think....no, I am positive, that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time that we've been together, you have displayed every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensive, vulgar, insensititive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humour and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick...."

OUCH!!!! :)

Oh dear! Someone needs to go back to school...

****EDIT - Would you believe it? I went into the same place today and they had changed the little tag next to the cake. It now reads "Kitchena Bun". Unbelievable. He he. Unfortunately I couldn't get any photographic evidence this time. They were watching me like hawks. :D

Take a look at the little tag for this cake. Whoever does the food signs at Michel's Patisserie in Mawson Lakes is a dumbass! He he...you should have seen me try to take this photo discreetly :)

A Feast For The Senses

It's just all about me, didn't you know! :)

FAVE SMELLS:

1. Popcorn
2. Brewing coffee
3. Freshly baked bread
4. The earth just before rain
5. Vanilla and cinnamon body wash

WORST SMELLS:

1. Mushrooms
2. Vomit
3. Year 8 boys and their stinky B.O. Hello????? Deodorant???!!!!
4. Kelly's feet (I have never smelled anything quite as pungent as her shoes at band camp)
5. My brother's bedroom (a mixture of dirty shoes, drool on his pillow and cat urine from the years he had the cat litter tray in the corner on the carpet)

FAVE SOUNDS (not counting music, of course):

1. A cat's purr (preferably Toots' tractor noises instead of Mo's snuffle)
2. A baby giggling or perhaps, a chipmunk giggling.
3. Magpie bird song
4. The gentle chugg chugg of Helga when she's actually running.
5. Two notes when played in tune by me and one of my year 8 students. :)

WORST SOUNDS:

1. The one my mother makes when she's eating cornflakes with very little milk
2. Stupid modified cars doing burnouts outside mum's house.
3. Beginner violin students
4. People who speak as if every sentence is a question.
5. My mother singing so softly that all you can hear is the whistling sound of her "s's"

FAVE TASTES:

1. Chocolate
2. Coffee
3. Cheese (of the non-blue variety)
4. Pig products (ie Ham, bacon, pork....drool)
5. Garlic

WORST TASTES:

1. Mushrooms
2. Tuna
3. Pineapple
4. Oysters
5. Bile

FAVE SIGHTS

1. A dog and a cat curled up asleep together
2. A bullfighter getting gored by the bull he's trying to kill
3. Police officers eating donuts
4. Jude Law
5. Gawky teenage boys running to catch buses
6. 'For-Sale' ads that say "Wedding Dress - never worn."

WORST SIGHTS

1. Big girls sporting plumbers' cracks.
2. Animal cruelty
3. The monstrosity that is Federation Square. Hello?? Taste?? Whatever happened to taste??
4. Bad teeth
5. People who wear beige and grey together.
6. Italian cement gardens with fruit trees

FAVE THINGS TO TOUCH

1. A cat's soft fur
2. Polar fleece
3. Bubble wrap
4. Dry leaves that disintegrate in your hand
5. Velvet

WORST THINGS TO TOUCH

1. Dog poo
2. Cacti
3. Giant hairy spiders
4. Jelly
5. Raw chicken

Update - IMS

According to the latest news, the rally at the Capri theatre worked somewhat. The State Government have scrapped the stupid idea for 2008 at least. They're only looking for a couple of volunteer schools to trial a new system (and they probably won't get that either). At least a year bides some time to drill some sense into their heads! :)

Nix. Over and out.

A very serious issue

SAVE THE I.M.S.

For once I am going to be serious.

For those who haven't yet heard the proposed "re-evaluation" (SA Govt code for 'destruction') of the Instrumental Music Service, here's the lowdown:

In short, the previous Instrumental Music service provided to the public school service allows 9000 children in 350 schools across the state to receive free small group or individual tuition on a musical instrument of their choices up until Year 12. This includes services to country areas and in areas where perhaps, parents are unable to afford private tuition. The children were able to choose whether or not they learned an instrument and they could choose WHICH instrument they would like to learn, with expert guidance as to which instrument was better suited to them.
However, after the government's review of music education recently, this is the ill-informed crap that Jane Lomax Smith and the unsympathetic beaurocrats at DECS have decided for 9000 children for 2008.

The New DECS Music Service

Early Years – R - 4 Creating Opportunities through building capacity
• DECS will support the delivery of holistic classroom music programs in the early years through a trial of good practice and Professional Development support in music education for teachers R-4.

Year 5 - Creating Opportunities through equal access to instrumental tuition
• DECS will provide the opportunity for every year 5 student to learn a musical instrument in class groups. This ‘whole-class’ model will be rolled out into primary schools over the next five years.
• Music Service teachers will work with class teachers in a team teaching model to deliver instrumental instruction to whole classes in the same instrument, like-instrument (e.g. brass) or mixed instrument classes.
• IMS staff will be invited to express interest in teaching the first stage of the Creating Opportunities roll out.

Years 6-7
• Following whole class tuition in year 5, DECS will provide the opportunity for years 6 - 7 students, interested in continuing to learn an instrument, to do so through instruction in groups/ensembles of approximately 15 students.

Years 8-12
• All schools with secondary enrolments will receive 1.5 hours of ensemble tuition.
• Seventy scholarships will be offered to particularly talented country secondary students to enable individual or small group instruction.
• The four metropolitan Special Interest Music Centres will continue to receive support from the DECS Music Service


DECS Music Service Teacher location
• All Instrumental teachers will be based in schools with primary enrolments (one teacher per school) from the start of 2008 and will travel to deliver services to a cluster of adjacent schools.
• Teachers who are currently appointed part-time to a school and part time to the IMS will remain based at their present school.
• School principals will be the day-to-day line managers for Music Service teachers.
• Music Service management will remain responsible for appointment, deployment, lesson allocations, student data, music professional development, instrumental music teaching methodology, curriculum development and matters involving non-school expenditure.
• Expressions of Interest will be sought from principals in hosting a music service teacher.
• Music Service staff will be matched to schools/clusters, requiring their expertise.
• The base school will be no more than 45km (metro) or 70km (country) from a teacher’s home.
• No decision has been taken re the future of the Klemzig and Dover Gardens offices. Appropriate discussions will need to occur.

Professional Development
• Professional development will be provided to assist staff through the transition to whole-class/large group tuition.

Current IMS Programs and Transition
• Small group tuition will be phased out from all schools.
• To accommodate the new initiatives, allocations to current primary and secondary IMS programs will be reduced by approximately 20% per annum each year for five years, commencing in 2008.
• Current students will continue to receive small group tuition through to year 12, if required.
• The only intake of beginner students will be in year 5.
• HUBS and PODS will have no new students in 2008. Continuing students will continue to receive tuition in ensembles.


Why this is a stupid idea and will NOT WORK!

I am a woodwind musician and an instrumental music teacher (in the private sector) who benefited from the IMS in public school system in the early 1990s. My parents could NOT AFFORD private tuition and my primary school did not offer music as a specialised subject. I had to wait until I was twelve until I could get free lessons at high school. If it wasn't for this, I would be probably a factory worker now. I have since then undertaken an honours degree in music performance and have performed in many ensembles of both a professional and community nature.

Music is an amazing tool of expression, and instrumental music is a perfect way for children to gain confidence, learn about perseverance, make friends and above all, experience the joy of music. This idea is, to put it simply, LUDICROUS.

Everyone who knows even the most minute detail about music knows that individual or specialised attention is required for any child or adult to learn a musical instrument. As one guest speaker said at the rally yesterday, "you wouldn't expect someone to learn to drive a car in groups of 30." Imagine this......30 kids forced to learn an instrument that they don't like, or even worse, doesn't suit them physically, in one class.

Imagine the lack of discipline, the noise, the horrible tuning of 30 beginner Year 5 violin students playing at once (or worst still, 30 trumpet players). It's hard enough to keep 2 chatty kids concentrating, let alone 30. Music is a specialised subject. This government wouldn't expect children to be forced to play basketball for a year if it didn't suit them physically or if they hated it. Why is this ANY DIFFERENT? .

And those children to whom the instrument is suited will receive less than adequate tuition and will probably lose interest in the music programme. Those children with talent or dedication will not be able to advance as they should because they will be lumbered with children who aren't as gifted, interested or dedicated to the instrument. Children learn at vastly different rates. You can't expect children to read music, to produce equal tones on the instrument, to be able to play the same piece of music together at the same level. I currently have five Year 8 students that began the same day. One child is barely able to produce a sound still and still struggles to put the instrument together whilst another is progressing very steadily towards a grade 2 AMEB level.

And what about kids that want to do music at a senior level. It's either 'ensemble tuition' or 'private lessons paid for by the parent'. So, as usual, it's the kids with rich parents who will be the ones with access to the jobs in music performance, not the ones in poorer families who are naturally more talented and hardworking at the instrument.

They call this a 'trial' period. What trial???? This proposal will in short, destroy the current IMS service, redistribute the teachers and stop any children from learning instruments individually in EVERY year except year 5. This is not a trial. Once it starts, there's no turning back. Too much damage will be already done and it'll be too costly to re-establish the IMS once it is disbanded which is what will happen in 2008 if this will go ahead. Not to mention that we would have lost most of the qualified music teachers to private systems and other non-arts related occupations because their current jobs are under threat.

The future implication for arts of all kinds in this state will be DISASTROUS. The future of our qualified music teachers' jobs aside, the problems this will cause in other organisations in the arts are undeniable. Most of these organisations are likely to collapse due to lack of interest and also lack of local talent.

• Parents in poorer families now forced to pay for their children's continued music tuition will be forced to cut tuition in other areas such as dance, sport, community drama and other extra-curricular activities. Therefore, enrolments in extracurricular subjects such as ballet, gymnastics, singing and drama amongst other areas will suffer as a result. Sports teams will have their numbers cut because parents will only be able to afford one activity.
• The Elder Conservatorium will be forced to make cuts to the education programmes offered in music due to the lack of talent auditioning for university programmes from graduates of high schools that have poor music programmes. Eventually, it will close all together because the institution will become a laughing stock and no one will wish to attend music degrees in such a low-arts-focused state.
• Schools such as the four Specialist Music Centres (Marryatville, Woodville, Brighton and Fremont) will be forced to lower their standards of entry as feeder schools will not be providing potential musicians. Their credibility will be destroyed. Competition for private tuition and private schools will be tough, less scholarships awarded and private teachers (particularly in popular instruments such as piano, guitar or drums) will be worked to their limits until they will have to turn potential new students away disappointed.
• Due to the lack of excellence in music tuition, art professions will suffer such as the Adelaide Symphony Orchestra, State Opera, music festivals, the Fringe (no local acts will be good enough to play) as there will no longer be people playing at the excellent standard currently available. These organisations will be forced to limit their repertoire due to depleting musicians and therefore this will hurt box offices takings. No doubt, the government will 'reevaluate' the viability of having these organisations in South Australia at all if it is no longer a financial success.
• Visiting international artists will no longer want to visit our state as there will be no musicians to play with at the standard they would expect from their associate artists. Local bands such as Goose and Marmalade Circus (and other bands made up of many DECS educated musicians and teachers etc) will be hard pressed to find musicians with enough skill to play with them. South Australia will quickly become the state of artistic mediocrity and eventually, the 'festival state' will be damaged forever. As one speaker said our slogan is 'SA Great', not 'SA Average'. Would you hire someone to play in your band who had been tutored with 30 other kids on an instrument he/she didn't choose?
• Community ensembles such as brass bands, orchestras, concert bands and choirs will be forced to rely on the older members of the ensembles to carry through as there will be no younger players coming in. Eventually these people become too old and retire, therefore causing the ensembles to collapse through lack of membership.
• Amateur musical theatre will no longer be operable as no properly qualified or trained singers will be around to play the parts. And even if they were, there would be no orchestra to accompany them as there will be no-one in the state good enough to play the music. And those who are will either be too old or too busy covering the entire arts community of the state to do it.
• Those few musicians in the state who have been forced into privately paid tuition will take jobs in other states as there will be no performance opportunities left in the state. And they'll stay interstate. Womad, the Festival of the Arts, the Fringe will be moved to Victoria or NSW.

There are many other terrible and drastic implications from this ridiculous proposal. But the most scarily problematic one is that most children educated in the public school system SIMPLY will not get the chance to learn an instrument at all. As far as this 'new and improved' service is concerned, if you're not in Year 5, tough shit. How is this an improved service? Thousands of children across the state will simply be denied the chance to learn at all or to even get a glimpse at what could be. Not everybody can afford $1000 a year in instrumental tuition and by the time the child earns enough money to pay for lessons themselves, it'll be too late for them to have a career in music. You wouldn't expect parents to fork out $1000 a year to learn maths, or science, or P.E. And rightfully so.

But of course, in a country that doesn't take the arts seriously, what do you expect? The day they cut the sport budget in this state will be the end of civilisation as we know it. But they're quite happy to destroy 9000 children's potential for a happy satisfying musical life.

And all this from a Rann government that claims to be 'for the common people' and pro arts! What a joke!

My suggestion if this goes ahead is to organise a public performance in the foyer outside Jane Lomax Smith's office of all the students in the state learning a musical instrument in a group of 15 or more. I think it'll take about 2 minutes of listening to it for them to re-evaluate their plan entirely.

Ode to Spanner

SPANNER THE BAD ASSED MOTHER.....

Here's a series of poems I wrote a few years ago for Spanner. I meant them in the most affectionate way possible. (as all my teasing of him is.....)

The Candy Man

Many times at Woodville Band
Dear old Steve did bring
A bulging bag filled up with sweets
For impressionable young things.

Parents, beware of this old man
For he has an obvious knack
Of offering their young daughters
Too many sugared snacks

We all think he brings them
In a desperate cling to youth.
But we all know Spanner far too well
And he cannot hide the truth.

No amount of lollies will turn him
Into a young and youthful guy
For Spanner is over double their age
And the pension is drawing nigh…

We think he has a problem
An addiction, if you must.
He may need to join a support group
To conquer this glucose lust.


Weeds, Glorious Weeds!!

Backyard Blitz, Backyard Blitz!
Come and save this man!
Steve’s garden is disgraceful
And he really needs a hand!


The weeds are taking over
And the ground is completely dry
Come make his garden beautiful
Before the trees curl up and die!


The best idea was a soothing spa
For him and eleven chicks
But power problems halted that
So it was given the flick!


It’s a shame Steve’s garden is awful
As he has a lovely place
But Spanner has a blackened thumb
And its such a tragic place!


The dirt mound needs to disappear
Its replacement? A calming pond.
But at the moment, it’s only hope
Is a fairy’s magic wand.


Jamie Durie, please come now
And fix this lump of dirt!!
Spanner could really use your help
What you’d do could NEVER hurt!!


SAILING THE SEVEN SEAS

I want to go on Steve’s non-boat
And sail the seven seas.
I love that giant invisible sail
That catches the wind with ease.

The transparent rudder cuts through waves
And directs it on its way.
It’s a pity the boat just doesn’t exist
Oh well, another day….

The berth he’s bought is wide and deep
To store the galant boat.
Steve’s paying for a bit of sea
So his dream can proudly float.

It’s very nice and cool and all
To have your own boat dock
But what’s the point if the boat is pretend
And the emptiness is mocked!


THE THRILL OF THE RIDE

Spanner sits at home at 3am
With his uniform on, all ready to go
If he could, he’d work and pay them.
He just doesn’t know how to say no!

He loves the sound of the engine’s roar
And the sound of the wheels against rails.
If work calls, he’s straight out the door!
In comparison, all other work pales.

He loves scraping dead cows off the front of the train
For him, it’s the thrill of the day.
He’s always got the love of work on the brain
Although, to us, he’ll never say.

For Spanner, the railway’s in his mind
Night and day, week by year.
He wants to work badly, I’m sure you’ll find
So ARG, call! He’s already in his gear!


BEWARE: THE ONE ARMED BANDIT!

So many coins lost, so little money won…
The pokies have bled Spanner dry.
He’s put so much cash in and come out with none
He’s such an impressionable guy!

The one-armed bandit strikes again
Taking his cash and crushing his pride
Turning 1000 dollars in 10
With no mercy on his side!

That alluring tinkling pokies tune
Is tempting to the end
It reels him in and very soon
He can no longer spend.

For all his money is quickly sent
Down the flashing money pit
And every single hard-earned cent
Is gone before he can spit!


The one-armed bandit is ruthless and hard
Like flushing your cash down the loo
So Spanner, be strong and on your guard
Cause the machines are out to get YOU!


Oh, how I miss those days of taking the piss out of the old bugger. But I still love him dearly!

PS. I have a second blog I Shall Call Him Stan And He Shall Be My Stan about all things clarinet-y and saxophone-y. For all you music nerds!