Drive how you want - they've got brakes!

How to drive South Australian

1. Leave it as late as possible to brake when approaching a stop sign or red light. If you have ABS, relish in the foot massage you get. If you don't have ABS, you get to stretch your legs whilst simultaneous revelling in the joy of watching the fear on the face of the person in the car in front as you miss them by just a couple of centimetres. It works even better if your tyres are bald and you need new brake pads or a top up on the brake fluid.

2. Go around the corner as quickly as possible. If your tyres don't squeal, you're just not putting enough effort in. Always try to sneak in BEFORE the pedestrians get to you if turning left across a pedestrian crossing. Pedestrians can stop easier than you. Beep them if they try and beat you or edge forward as if you will run them over. Keep those 'think-they're-better-than-you-are' greenies on their toes!

3. Change lanes as often as you can, making sure that you're RIGHT UP THE ASS of the car in front before pulling out into the other lane. Always try and sneak in to a gap that's too small for your car so the person in that lane has to hit their brakes. Give them the bird if they honk you. Always overtake on the left and remember that the speed limit doesn't apply to overtaking.

4. When travelling on a highway or freeway, sit in other cars' blindspots so they will get a shock when they go to change lanes. Speed up when someone tries to change lanes so they have to hit their brakes and move in behind you. Never let anybody into your lane in heavy traffic. Why should you? You were there first.

5. When someone is trying to overtake you on a one-lane highway, wait until they've pulled into the line of oncoming traffic, then speed up so they can't get in front of you. Tailgate them when they are in front of you. You can't afford to waste 0.1 of a second. Also, at night, sit in a position behind another car that makes your headlights shine DIRECTLY into their rear view vision mirror. Don't EVER dip your headlights for oncoming traffic until they've already got the white spots in front of their eyes.

6. Where possible, allow your passenger to take control of the wheel so you can do more important things like talking on your mobile phone, smoking, playing with your car stereo, eating a burger or applying makeup. As long as they hold the wheel steady, you can even turn and talk to your backseat passengers. Too much time is spent travelling to waste time.

7. The speed limit is just a suggestion. If there is no sign, assume you can go as fast as you want.

8. Work your absolute hardest to block off the only lanes available when you hear an emergency vehicle. It's quite entertaining to watch a big-ass fire engine drive on the nature strip. Although, it is quite okay to have your car stereo's sub woofers pumping so hard, you couldn't possibly hear the sirens in the first place...so how were you to know they were there? Huh, HUH????!!!

9. Only indicate to change lanes or turn with a single flash. If the other driver blinked and missed it, they weren't paying enough attention. Teach them a lesson by suddenly stopping. Take as LONG AS YOU WANT to turn into a side street and never get close to the gutter when you turn left. Leave as little room as possible for the car travelling behind you to go around you. In fact, make a last minute decision NOT to turn so that you teach those people a lesson....impatient bastards!

10. When anybody uses their horn as a warning signal, I would recommend getting your passenger to hold the wheel while you give them the 'one finger salute'. In fact, the 'one finger salute' can be applied anywhere on South Australian roads. It is, after all, tradition.

Happy driving!