Ode To Press Gang

This is the best show ever! I've been reliving my childhood on a loop for the last 3 months. This is such a clever show for a little British kid's programme. Steven Moffatt has since then sold his soul by writing 'Couplings' which has never equalled Press Gang's wit and vibrancy. This show also launched the careers of quite a few cast members: Julia Sawalha (later seen as Saffy in Absolutely Fabulous, as well as in Jonathon Creek and as the lead voice in Chicken Run). Dexter Fletcher (who went on to Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels....using his OWN voice, not the slightly-off American one) and Gabrielle Anwar (who was the woman whose scent it was in Scent of A Woman as well as that really bad movie The Concierge with Michael J Fox).

This show reminds me of when I was a kid and how obsessed I was with this. I wasn't much younger than some of the kids in it and so it came at a pretty good time for me. It was nice to watch a kid's show with a little bit more intelligence. I'm surprised I didn't become a journalist after watching it. I loved Spike (I used to think he was so adorable - now he just appears to have been a cute kid with funny lips doing a rather half-assed American accent) and the dialogue he got to spew. Lynda reminded me of myself - rather bossy and short-tempered - which is probably why I liked the show. He he....

My favourite episodes are:

The one where Spike is trapped under the collapsed building

The one on "Crazy Stuff", the TV show where Spike 'surprises'

Lynda. I remember Holly being able to quote this in high school.

The one with the crazed hostage taker in the clown's mask

(that one was a two parter)

The one where Lynda gets locked in a vault.

And I've got Edgy addicted to it too. :) He doesn't want to admit it though. He he.

Nicky's List of Movie Scenes that are FULLY SIK! Part 2

Continuing on from my last movie scene post....

1. There's this scene in The Truth about Cats and Dogs when Janeanne Garofalo and Uma Thurman are talking while walking down the street and Janeanne Garofalo goes "I don't expect you to understand this....You burp and guys think it's adorable; you puke and they line up to hold your hair back" and Uma Thurman says "I can tell you for a FACT that that's not true". And just as she says that, a guy rides past, gets distracted by Uma Thurman, tries to impress her by one-wheeling his bike and almost hits a car. It's a CACK. :)

2. The opening 20 minutes or so from Speed is one of the most tense movie moments I've ever experienced. I get rather claustrophobic so the mere thought of an elevator dropping is terrifying to me. The whole bit where it keeps dropping inch by inch as they are trying to get the people out had me on the edge of my seat....I know I know, it's pathetic. :)

3. The worst line ever spoken in a recent movie (I'm not saying it's the worst ever because I think Plan 9 From Outer Space takes that accolade) HAS to be the one spoken by Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. It's one of his first lines in the movie (if not the first) and it is "This is English courage" in the twangiest American accent imaginable. Every time I hear it, I cringe. It's really funny....you should check it out.

4. The scene in Star Wars when the storm trooper hits his head. Need I say more?

5. The accolades for the best line in a movie for me has to go to Cher as Alexandra Medford in The Witches of Eastwick. It's spoken to Jack Nicholson and goes like this:

"I think....no, I am positive, that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time that we've been together, you have displayed every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensive, vulgar, insensititive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humour and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick...."

OUCH!!!! :)

Oh dear! Someone needs to go back to school...

****EDIT - Would you believe it? I went into the same place today and they had changed the little tag next to the cake. It now reads "Kitchena Bun". Unbelievable. He he. Unfortunately I couldn't get any photographic evidence this time. They were watching me like hawks. :D

Take a look at the little tag for this cake. Whoever does the food signs at Michel's Patisserie in Mawson Lakes is a dumbass! He he...you should have seen me try to take this photo discreetly :)

A Feast For The Senses

It's just all about me, didn't you know! :)

FAVE SMELLS:

1. Popcorn
2. Brewing coffee
3. Freshly baked bread
4. The earth just before rain
5. Vanilla and cinnamon body wash

WORST SMELLS:

1. Mushrooms
2. Vomit
3. Year 8 boys and their stinky B.O. Hello????? Deodorant???!!!!
4. Kelly's feet (I have never smelled anything quite as pungent as her shoes at band camp)
5. My brother's bedroom (a mixture of dirty shoes, drool on his pillow and cat urine from the years he had the cat litter tray in the corner on the carpet)

FAVE SOUNDS (not counting music, of course):

1. A cat's purr (preferably Toots' tractor noises instead of Mo's snuffle)
2. A baby giggling or perhaps, a chipmunk giggling.
3. Magpie bird song
4. The gentle chugg chugg of Helga when she's actually running.
5. Two notes when played in tune by me and one of my year 8 students. :)

WORST SOUNDS:

1. The one my mother makes when she's eating cornflakes with very little milk
2. Stupid modified cars doing burnouts outside mum's house.
3. Beginner violin students
4. People who speak as if every sentence is a question.
5. My mother singing so softly that all you can hear is the whistling sound of her "s's"

FAVE TASTES:

1. Chocolate
2. Coffee
3. Cheese (of the non-blue variety)
4. Pig products (ie Ham, bacon, pork....drool)
5. Garlic

WORST TASTES:

1. Mushrooms
2. Tuna
3. Pineapple
4. Oysters
5. Bile

FAVE SIGHTS

1. A dog and a cat curled up asleep together
2. A bullfighter getting gored by the bull he's trying to kill
3. Police officers eating donuts
4. Jude Law
5. Gawky teenage boys running to catch buses
6. 'For-Sale' ads that say "Wedding Dress - never worn."

WORST SIGHTS

1. Big girls sporting plumbers' cracks.
2. Animal cruelty
3. The monstrosity that is Federation Square. Hello?? Taste?? Whatever happened to taste??
4. Bad teeth
5. People who wear beige and grey together.
6. Italian cement gardens with fruit trees

FAVE THINGS TO TOUCH

1. A cat's soft fur
2. Polar fleece
3. Bubble wrap
4. Dry leaves that disintegrate in your hand
5. Velvet

WORST THINGS TO TOUCH

1. Dog poo
2. Cacti
3. Giant hairy spiders
4. Jelly
5. Raw chicken

Update - IMS

According to the latest news, the rally at the Capri theatre worked somewhat. The State Government have scrapped the stupid idea for 2008 at least. They're only looking for a couple of volunteer schools to trial a new system (and they probably won't get that either). At least a year bides some time to drill some sense into their heads! :)

Nix. Over and out.

A very serious issue

SAVE THE I.M.S.

For once I am going to be serious.

For those who haven't yet heard the proposed "re-evaluation" (SA Govt code for 'destruction') of the Instrumental Music Service, here's the lowdown:

In short, the previous Instrumental Music service provided to the public school service allows 9000 children in 350 schools across the state to receive free small group or individual tuition on a musical instrument of their choices up until Year 12. This includes services to country areas and in areas where perhaps, parents are unable to afford private tuition. The children were able to choose whether or not they learned an instrument and they could choose WHICH instrument they would like to learn, with expert guidance as to which instrument was better suited to them.
However, after the government's review of music education recently, this is the ill-informed crap that Jane Lomax Smith and the unsympathetic beaurocrats at DECS have decided for 9000 children for 2008.

The New DECS Music Service

Early Years – R - 4 Creating Opportunities through building capacity
• DECS will support the delivery of holistic classroom music programs in the early years through a trial of good practice and Professional Development support in music education for teachers R-4.

Year 5 - Creating Opportunities through equal access to instrumental tuition
• DECS will provide the opportunity for every year 5 student to learn a musical instrument in class groups. This ‘whole-class’ model will be rolled out into primary schools over the next five years.
• Music Service teachers will work with class teachers in a team teaching model to deliver instrumental instruction to whole classes in the same instrument, like-instrument (e.g. brass) or mixed instrument classes.
• IMS staff will be invited to express interest in teaching the first stage of the Creating Opportunities roll out.

Years 6-7
• Following whole class tuition in year 5, DECS will provide the opportunity for years 6 - 7 students, interested in continuing to learn an instrument, to do so through instruction in groups/ensembles of approximately 15 students.

Years 8-12
• All schools with secondary enrolments will receive 1.5 hours of ensemble tuition.
• Seventy scholarships will be offered to particularly talented country secondary students to enable individual or small group instruction.
• The four metropolitan Special Interest Music Centres will continue to receive support from the DECS Music Service


DECS Music Service Teacher location
• All Instrumental teachers will be based in schools with primary enrolments (one teacher per school) from the start of 2008 and will travel to deliver services to a cluster of adjacent schools.
• Teachers who are currently appointed part-time to a school and part time to the IMS will remain based at their present school.
• School principals will be the day-to-day line managers for Music Service teachers.
• Music Service management will remain responsible for appointment, deployment, lesson allocations, student data, music professional development, instrumental music teaching methodology, curriculum development and matters involving non-school expenditure.
• Expressions of Interest will be sought from principals in hosting a music service teacher.
• Music Service staff will be matched to schools/clusters, requiring their expertise.
• The base school will be no more than 45km (metro) or 70km (country) from a teacher’s home.
• No decision has been taken re the future of the Klemzig and Dover Gardens offices. Appropriate discussions will need to occur.

Professional Development
• Professional development will be provided to assist staff through the transition to whole-class/large group tuition.

Current IMS Programs and Transition
• Small group tuition will be phased out from all schools.
• To accommodate the new initiatives, allocations to current primary and secondary IMS programs will be reduced by approximately 20% per annum each year for five years, commencing in 2008.
• Current students will continue to receive small group tuition through to year 12, if required.
• The only intake of beginner students will be in year 5.
• HUBS and PODS will have no new students in 2008. Continuing students will continue to receive tuition in ensembles.


Why this is a stupid idea and will NOT WORK!

I am a woodwind musician and an instrumental music teacher (in the private sector) who benefited from the IMS in public school system in the early 1990s. My parents could NOT AFFORD private tuition and my primary school did not offer music as a specialised subject. I had to wait until I was twelve until I could get free lessons at high school. If it wasn't for this, I would be probably a factory worker now. I have since then undertaken an honours degree in music performance and have performed in many ensembles of both a professional and community nature.

Music is an amazing tool of expression, and instrumental music is a perfect way for children to gain confidence, learn about perseverance, make friends and above all, experience the joy of music. This idea is, to put it simply, LUDICROUS.

Everyone who knows even the most minute detail about music knows that individual or specialised attention is required for any child or adult to learn a musical instrument. As one guest speaker said at the rally yesterday, "you wouldn't expect someone to learn to drive a car in groups of 30." Imagine this......30 kids forced to learn an instrument that they don't like, or even worse, doesn't suit them physically, in one class.

Imagine the lack of discipline, the noise, the horrible tuning of 30 beginner Year 5 violin students playing at once (or worst still, 30 trumpet players). It's hard enough to keep 2 chatty kids concentrating, let alone 30. Music is a specialised subject. This government wouldn't expect children to be forced to play basketball for a year if it didn't suit them physically or if they hated it. Why is this ANY DIFFERENT? .

And those children to whom the instrument is suited will receive less than adequate tuition and will probably lose interest in the music programme. Those children with talent or dedication will not be able to advance as they should because they will be lumbered with children who aren't as gifted, interested or dedicated to the instrument. Children learn at vastly different rates. You can't expect children to read music, to produce equal tones on the instrument, to be able to play the same piece of music together at the same level. I currently have five Year 8 students that began the same day. One child is barely able to produce a sound still and still struggles to put the instrument together whilst another is progressing very steadily towards a grade 2 AMEB level.

And what about kids that want to do music at a senior level. It's either 'ensemble tuition' or 'private lessons paid for by the parent'. So, as usual, it's the kids with rich parents who will be the ones with access to the jobs in music performance, not the ones in poorer families who are naturally more talented and hardworking at the instrument.

They call this a 'trial' period. What trial???? This proposal will in short, destroy the current IMS service, redistribute the teachers and stop any children from learning instruments individually in EVERY year except year 5. This is not a trial. Once it starts, there's no turning back. Too much damage will be already done and it'll be too costly to re-establish the IMS once it is disbanded which is what will happen in 2008 if this will go ahead. Not to mention that we would have lost most of the qualified music teachers to private systems and other non-arts related occupations because their current jobs are under threat.

The future implication for arts of all kinds in this state will be DISASTROUS. The future of our qualified music teachers' jobs aside, the problems this will cause in other organisations in the arts are undeniable. Most of these organisations are likely to collapse due to lack of interest and also lack of local talent.

• Parents in poorer families now forced to pay for their children's continued music tuition will be forced to cut tuition in other areas such as dance, sport, community drama and other extra-curricular activities. Therefore, enrolments in extracurricular subjects such as ballet, gymnastics, singing and drama amongst other areas will suffer as a result. Sports teams will have their numbers cut because parents will only be able to afford one activity.
• The Elder Conservatorium will be forced to make cuts to the education programmes offered in music due to the lack of talent auditioning for university programmes from graduates of high schools that have poor music programmes. Eventually, it will close all together because the institution will become a laughing stock and no one will wish to attend music degrees in such a low-arts-focused state.
• Schools such as the four Specialist Music Centres (Marryatville, Woodville, Brighton and Fremont) will be forced to lower their standards of entry as feeder schools will not be providing potential musicians. Their credibility will be destroyed. Competition for private tuition and private schools will be tough, less scholarships awarded and private teachers (particularly in popular instruments such as piano, guitar or drums) will be worked to their limits until they will have to turn potential new students away disappointed.
• Due to the lack of excellence in music tuition, art professions will suffer such as the Adelaide Symphony Orchestra, State Opera, music festivals, the Fringe (no local acts will be good enough to play) as there will no longer be people playing at the excellent standard currently available. These organisations will be forced to limit their repertoire due to depleting musicians and therefore this will hurt box offices takings. No doubt, the government will 'reevaluate' the viability of having these organisations in South Australia at all if it is no longer a financial success.
• Visiting international artists will no longer want to visit our state as there will be no musicians to play with at the standard they would expect from their associate artists. Local bands such as Goose and Marmalade Circus (and other bands made up of many DECS educated musicians and teachers etc) will be hard pressed to find musicians with enough skill to play with them. South Australia will quickly become the state of artistic mediocrity and eventually, the 'festival state' will be damaged forever. As one speaker said our slogan is 'SA Great', not 'SA Average'. Would you hire someone to play in your band who had been tutored with 30 other kids on an instrument he/she didn't choose?
• Community ensembles such as brass bands, orchestras, concert bands and choirs will be forced to rely on the older members of the ensembles to carry through as there will be no younger players coming in. Eventually these people become too old and retire, therefore causing the ensembles to collapse through lack of membership.
• Amateur musical theatre will no longer be operable as no properly qualified or trained singers will be around to play the parts. And even if they were, there would be no orchestra to accompany them as there will be no-one in the state good enough to play the music. And those who are will either be too old or too busy covering the entire arts community of the state to do it.
• Those few musicians in the state who have been forced into privately paid tuition will take jobs in other states as there will be no performance opportunities left in the state. And they'll stay interstate. Womad, the Festival of the Arts, the Fringe will be moved to Victoria or NSW.

There are many other terrible and drastic implications from this ridiculous proposal. But the most scarily problematic one is that most children educated in the public school system SIMPLY will not get the chance to learn an instrument at all. As far as this 'new and improved' service is concerned, if you're not in Year 5, tough shit. How is this an improved service? Thousands of children across the state will simply be denied the chance to learn at all or to even get a glimpse at what could be. Not everybody can afford $1000 a year in instrumental tuition and by the time the child earns enough money to pay for lessons themselves, it'll be too late for them to have a career in music. You wouldn't expect parents to fork out $1000 a year to learn maths, or science, or P.E. And rightfully so.

But of course, in a country that doesn't take the arts seriously, what do you expect? The day they cut the sport budget in this state will be the end of civilisation as we know it. But they're quite happy to destroy 9000 children's potential for a happy satisfying musical life.

And all this from a Rann government that claims to be 'for the common people' and pro arts! What a joke!

My suggestion if this goes ahead is to organise a public performance in the foyer outside Jane Lomax Smith's office of all the students in the state learning a musical instrument in a group of 15 or more. I think it'll take about 2 minutes of listening to it for them to re-evaluate their plan entirely.

Ode to Spanner

SPANNER THE BAD ASSED MOTHER.....

Here's a series of poems I wrote a few years ago for Spanner. I meant them in the most affectionate way possible. (as all my teasing of him is.....)

The Candy Man

Many times at Woodville Band
Dear old Steve did bring
A bulging bag filled up with sweets
For impressionable young things.

Parents, beware of this old man
For he has an obvious knack
Of offering their young daughters
Too many sugared snacks

We all think he brings them
In a desperate cling to youth.
But we all know Spanner far too well
And he cannot hide the truth.

No amount of lollies will turn him
Into a young and youthful guy
For Spanner is over double their age
And the pension is drawing nigh…

We think he has a problem
An addiction, if you must.
He may need to join a support group
To conquer this glucose lust.


Weeds, Glorious Weeds!!

Backyard Blitz, Backyard Blitz!
Come and save this man!
Steve’s garden is disgraceful
And he really needs a hand!


The weeds are taking over
And the ground is completely dry
Come make his garden beautiful
Before the trees curl up and die!


The best idea was a soothing spa
For him and eleven chicks
But power problems halted that
So it was given the flick!


It’s a shame Steve’s garden is awful
As he has a lovely place
But Spanner has a blackened thumb
And its such a tragic place!


The dirt mound needs to disappear
Its replacement? A calming pond.
But at the moment, it’s only hope
Is a fairy’s magic wand.


Jamie Durie, please come now
And fix this lump of dirt!!
Spanner could really use your help
What you’d do could NEVER hurt!!


SAILING THE SEVEN SEAS

I want to go on Steve’s non-boat
And sail the seven seas.
I love that giant invisible sail
That catches the wind with ease.

The transparent rudder cuts through waves
And directs it on its way.
It’s a pity the boat just doesn’t exist
Oh well, another day….

The berth he’s bought is wide and deep
To store the galant boat.
Steve’s paying for a bit of sea
So his dream can proudly float.

It’s very nice and cool and all
To have your own boat dock
But what’s the point if the boat is pretend
And the emptiness is mocked!


THE THRILL OF THE RIDE

Spanner sits at home at 3am
With his uniform on, all ready to go
If he could, he’d work and pay them.
He just doesn’t know how to say no!

He loves the sound of the engine’s roar
And the sound of the wheels against rails.
If work calls, he’s straight out the door!
In comparison, all other work pales.

He loves scraping dead cows off the front of the train
For him, it’s the thrill of the day.
He’s always got the love of work on the brain
Although, to us, he’ll never say.

For Spanner, the railway’s in his mind
Night and day, week by year.
He wants to work badly, I’m sure you’ll find
So ARG, call! He’s already in his gear!


BEWARE: THE ONE ARMED BANDIT!

So many coins lost, so little money won…
The pokies have bled Spanner dry.
He’s put so much cash in and come out with none
He’s such an impressionable guy!

The one-armed bandit strikes again
Taking his cash and crushing his pride
Turning 1000 dollars in 10
With no mercy on his side!

That alluring tinkling pokies tune
Is tempting to the end
It reels him in and very soon
He can no longer spend.

For all his money is quickly sent
Down the flashing money pit
And every single hard-earned cent
Is gone before he can spit!


The one-armed bandit is ruthless and hard
Like flushing your cash down the loo
So Spanner, be strong and on your guard
Cause the machines are out to get YOU!


Oh, how I miss those days of taking the piss out of the old bugger. But I still love him dearly!

PS. I have a second blog I Shall Call Him Stan And He Shall Be My Stan about all things clarinet-y and saxophone-y. For all you music nerds!

More Elmo torture

For Elmo on fire

This is really funny. The scary thing is that it keeps going for ages! It's like Chucky. I swear it is the devil incarnate!

Nix

Over and out.

Random music quiz cos I was bored, so there!

The Technical Basics

1.Do you play any musical instruments?

I play the clarinet, attempt to play the saxophone and play cornet extremely badly

2.Do you own any musical instruments?

I own a clarinet named Benny, a very shiny pretty tenor saxophone named Stan and a recorder that has mould inside of it

3.What instrument do you most want to learn?

I wanna play piano but noone will teach me, dammit. And I probably should get out that cornet again and actually practice before someone I know tells me off! :)

4.Sexiest instrument?

Tenor Saxophone

5. Can you read proper shape notes rather than tabs?

Yes. Tab is for losers.

6.Do you know your scales?

Um, major ones. Minor ones are overrated…damn minor third. Pfft!

7.Do you have perfect pitch or know anyone that does?

No, I don’t, but I’m hoping this will change once I get better at pitching on brass instruments. Yes, there’s this freak of nature cellist at uni that has perfect pitch. I hate her – or more to the point, I’m jealous of her.


My Top 5….

1. Guitarists?

Jimmy Page, Jimi Hendrix, The Edge, BB King, John Frusciante (also Jeff Beck and Eric Clapton)

2. Bass guitarists?

Tony Kanal (No Doubt), Flea, Jaco Pastorius, Bootsy Collins, Larry Graham (Sly and The Family Stone) - also Victor Wooten, Adam Clayton, Charles Mingus and Rocco Prestia

3. Drummers?

John Bonham (Zeppelin), Jeff Porcaro (Toto), Buddy Rich, Clyde Stublefield (James Brown), Keith Moon (The Who)

4. Male singers?

Thom Yorke, Matt Bellamy (Muse), Robert Plant, Jeff Buckley, Stevie Wonder

5. Female singers?

Imogen Heap, Eva Cassidy, Ella Fitzgerald, Pat Benatar, Katie Noonan (george)

FAVOURITE CDS

Royal Crown Revue – Mugsy’s Move
Radiohead – The Bends
U2 – Achtung Baby
Muse – Origin of Symmetry
The Atomic Fireballs – Torch This Place
Miles Davis – Someday My Prince Will Come
Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin 4
Stevie Wonder – Songs In The Key Of Life
Curtis Mayfield – Curtis
REM – Automatic For The People
The Beatles – Revolver and Sgt Peppers
Afro Celt Sound System – Release

FAVOURITE BANDS & ARTISTS

U2
Radiohead
Muse
Augie March
REM
Toto
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Eva Cassidy
Stan Getz
Miles Davis
Ella Fitzgerald
Stevie Wonder
James Brown
Earth Wind and Fire
Afro Celt Sound System
The Cat Empire
Gotan Project
Goose
Marmalade Circus
Bjork
Tori Amos
Frou Frou and Imogen Heap
Smashing Pumpkins
Soweto String Quartet
Joss Stone
Paul Simon
Madness
The Stranglers
Cherry Poppin Daddies
Curtis Mayfield
Otis Redding
Wilson Pickett
The Killers
Ozomatli
Mika

FAVOURITE CONCERTS

U2
The ASO with James Morrison performing Graeme Koehne’s High Art Trumpet Concerto
Bjork
Goose
Womadelaide (the year of Afro Celt)

SONGS……………

Best love song

It had to be you – Harry Connick Jr
Have I Told You Lately – Van Morrison

Best driving song

On the Road Again – Willie Nelson
Driving In My Car – Madness
The Car Song – Cat Empire

Best sex song

Let’s Get It On – Marvin Gaye

Best break up song

Special Ones – george
Love Stinks – J Geils Band

Best rock song

Kashmir and The Immigrant Song – Led Zeppelin

Best pop song

Sir Duke – Stevie Wonder
(of the moment) Grace Kelly – Mika

Best song to sing in the shower

See above…

All time favourite song

Africa - Toto

Song you wish you knew all the lyrics to

U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer

Most played songs on your iPod

Sir Duke – Stevie Wonder
Let Go – Frou Frou
Diferente – Gotan Project
The Ground Beneath Her Feet – u2
Africa – Toto
Barflies At The Beach – Royal Crown Revue
Soy – The Gipsy Kings

Song you hate the most

That f**king whistling dance song, Love Generation. Geez it irritates me. Closely followed by anything that uses hamster voices.

The song that always gets you on the dance floor

Be Faithful – Crooklyn Clan and Fat Man Scoop
Hot Hot Hot - Arrow

Best song to dance around the house in your undies too

Do Your Thing – Basement Jaxx

Best rock out with your cock out song

Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen (preferably with lots of alcohol induced singing)

Most overplayed song on the radio at the moment

That really annoying silverchair song in which Daniel Johns whines and whing

Funny funny stuff

I was just browsing YouTube and I came across these movie trailers.

Whoever this guy is, I wanna meet him. He's bloody clever! And hilarious!

For When Harry Met Sally as an erotic thriller, go to:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=gMWpxTK7q2s&mode=related&search=

For Top Gun as a,well, different love story, go to:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ekXxi9IKZSA&mode=related&search=

For the scary Mary Poppins, go to:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=2T5_0AGdFic&mode=related&search=

For the remake of Garden State as a thriller about insanity and murder, go to:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=iZ1318KFSZk

For Forrest Gump as a psychopathic stalker, go to:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4P-PrftFmsI&mode=related&search=



I wish I'd thought of this!

Nix

It's all about me....pt.2

THINGS I WHINGE ABOUT

Dangerous driving. I can handle people driving too slowly, or stealing your park in a shopping centre carpark, or blocking you in when you're parallel parking. Yeah, its rude, but I can deal with it. What REALLY shits me is the following....


a) When you are ahead of someone and the lanes merge and they accelerate to pull in front of you. It is incredibly dangerous and just plain ignorant. It makes me wanna run them off the road.
b) Tailgaters. How hard is it to leave 2 seconds between you and the car in front?!! It really isn't difficult. And yet, 95% of large car drivers tailgate. And even worse, get RIGHT UP YOUR ASS before changing lanes, which is dangerous and (at night when they have headlights as bright as the AAMI Stadium lights) rude as well. It's invariably Commodore and Falcon drivers and anyone driving a turbo charged heap of crap because they think that because they have a V6 and more power than they should be allowed to have, they have to make the most of it by speeding all the time.

c) People that change lanes RIGHT before a red traffic light. Most of us sensible drivers judge correct braking distance. When idiots do that, you're forced to rely on having new tyres and new brakes instead - it's unnecessary and puts people at risk. Prepare AHEAD OF TIME, people!!!

I get serious road rage from idiots like that. And anyone who has travelled with me driving probably knows this already.

Kids at school who don't wear deodorant. The year 8 boys smell really bad. I walked into school band practice the other day an hour after the last class had left and the lingering B.O. smell from the previous class hit me like a ton of bricks. My boss said she's so used to it, she doesn't even notice it anymore. How could she not notice it? I swear the smell has legs!


Incorrect grammar and punctuation. Some people get paid to make signs for a living. So you'd think that signwriting companies would employ people with SOME SEMBLANCE of grammatical and punctuation competency. If I see another pizza sign where they've written "2 Pizza's for $10", I'll force feed them the bloody thing. How hard is it to proof read, or if you're not sure, to ask someone? I don't think primary schools are working hard enough to make sure that children learn this. My primary school did. We didn't spend much time on it. But it was enough. But now, there are kids that don't know the difference between 'there, their and they're" and it's infuriating. It's really not that hard.

People whose vocal inflections sound as if every sentence is a question. Munnalita on The Biggest Loser spoke this way. It drove me BATTY! There must be a school for this somewhere - too many people do this.

Children. All children should be born at age 12. Although that would really hurt.....The End.

It's all about me...pt.1

THINGS I LIKE:

Coffee. Yes, yes, yes, I had to put this first. And only because all of you would be expecting me to anyway (ie. those of you who said I talked about nothing but coffee all the time we were in Melbourne. he he...). For those of you that know me well, I am a grumpy heinous bitch in the morning before my coffee. I have a sign on my fridge: I wrote a poem about coffee in my third year writing class at Flinders University. Everybody laughed at me.

Men's shoulder blades. I know, it's a bit random but there's nothing more sexy than the toned muscles on a guy's back right next to the shoulder blade (I don't know what it's called).

Most girls will check out an ass or perhaps a six pack but no, not me. I guess I'm a freak of nature.

All things clarinet-y. It's tough being a clarinet nerd. Whenever I meet someone new at the con and they ask me what I play, I watch as the interest fades from their eyes and their attention drift away to ANYTHING BUT TALKING TO ME when I say "clarinet". Now if I said "saxophone", suddenly their ears prick up. But clarinet, poor clarinet, is such a geeky instrument.

But with all its inconsistencies of intonation and evil reeds and the damn altissimo register, it's one of the most versatile, agile instruments around and it kicks ass.

Being a band nerd. I don't see what's wrong with it. Movies like American Pie pay the SHIT out of band kids but I find most of it to be a load of bollocks. Yes, playing in bands means you have to be somewhat obsessive and a lot of players don't do much else. But it's fun, challenging, and most of all, I have made some of the best friends I could ever have in bands. There's something about playing music together in that kind of environment that brings people really close together. (Although band camp or tour does help in that capacity....he he he). And if you play in a band 3 or 4 times a week, you're never that lonely which, I can tell you, beats watching Eddie Maguire on 1 vs 100 or whatever other crappy semi-entertainment. If its a choice between playing marches and watching Big Brother, bring on Standard of St George any day!

The smell of the earth just before it rains, thunderstorms and sunshowers. I love that earthy smell of the ground preparing itself for rain. Once it starts to rain, well then it's just friggin annoying. But that smell is awesome. As for lightning, I love sitting outside watching thunderstorms - we don't get them nearly enough in Adelaide. Although we don't get tornados either but this picture is COOL!

Reminds me of just how incredibly powerful our little blue planet is. I could be a meteorologist....if it wasn't so science-y and I wasn't completely useless at that stuff.

The sound of my cat's purr. I have two cats (although theoretically, neither of them are mine) and they are the completely the opposite. One meows really loudly (almost irritatingly noisily) but can't purr....she just snuffles. The other only squeaks - can't meow - but purrs like a lawnmower. She should have been named 'Victa'. I love the sound of a contented cat, even though five seconds later, the cow scratches me or bites me when she finally lulls you into a false sense of security.

Nix, The Nomadic Band Geek's Big Adventure!

****NEWSFLASH: UCB emerge victorious (almost!)****

UCB comes second in the Open B Grade Concert Band division. One step higher than 2005 and on our way to the top!!! Is it just me, or do we kick ass?! :)

******

I have just had a great weekend at the National Band Championships in Ivanhoe, Victoria, and this was mostly due to the people I met in the last week. At the risk of sounding schmaltzy, I'd just like to say that I have never in my life met such a warm, friendly group of people that I've instantly bonded with than the people I met last Wed morning whilst boarding the Overland. I formed an instant friendship with most of the people there (very rare for me) and I am truly grateful for their instant acceptance of me (a relative new-y to the band).

*****

I have been very fortunate to spend time with some wonderful people over the last week...particularly, but not limited to, Nads, Edgy, Unkey Brent, Big Al, Nat, Storrie, Grandpa Tinks and Anna Banana. For some of you, I wouldn't necessarily have chosen to stay with you in the hostel had I not come up on the train earlier but I am SO GLAD that I did. I would not have made the decision to stay with UCB had it not been for you. Thank you for making it so easy. I was quite nervous coming into this trip not knowing anyone aside from Nic and a couple of people I'd met before. I was quite apprehensive about everything but you welcomed me with open arms. Thanks so much. Miss you guys already!

******

Lotsa love, Nix (sniff....sniff....tears welling up.... MUST..... STOP..... CHEESINESS ....)

MOVING ON!

******

"What happens in Melbourne stays in Melbourne"

For those of you in the know, the above statement still applies so don't worry. No unexpected revelations here. However, I'd like to share some....um...how should I put this....um...innocent, completely harmless memories?? with everyone.

******

We didn't seem to have a lot of luck making it to the events we wanted to see this year. The first was the quartet division (congratulations to UCB's quartet for their 4th place) which I bloody missed because their performance was pushed ahead and I was too late buying a friggin' boys school shirt! I can't believe UCB had an Adelaide cheer squad and Nat and I missed the target of our support. So I figure, they can't be blamed for not coming first - I think it was their lack of me, their lucky charm. He he he... :)

******

Then of course, we missed Kew Band which was the only Brass Band I had been ordered to see by my family. We caught the march but that was about it. Dammit. Then poor Donsy had no support for Marion Brass as the Adelaide contingent missed their performance and watched it through a door - damn organisers pushed the event ahead of schedule!

******

And to finish off our run of bad luck, we chose to go for beer, right about the time that Geelong Concert Band (the band that beat us in B Grade Concert Band) was on stage. Not well timed.

But all in all, we had a fantastic weekend, bonding (some more than others...he he...) and most of the time, cacking ourselves! No matter where you were, there was always a smiling face, or an arm around a shoulder, or an imprompu rank and file marching group (complete with mediocre drum major....I think Edgy'll have to take a pay cut...he he).

******

"We visited Melbourne...but it was closed"

This weekend I have come to the conclusion that Adelaide is a great place to live. Melbourne appeared to be closed this weekend. In Adelaide, there's a pub open on every corner, usually at any time. In Melbourne, I think the hospitals close if business is slow...

We walked for miles looking for places to eat, even on Saturday night (although that was sometimes due to Unkey Brent's less than superb navigational skills - although Nads' eternal optimism of "it's just around the next corner" helped!). Sunday night's 'Wokka noodles/semi-edible playdough' experience as a last resort are likely to remain in Anna's nightmares forever! :)

******

Our encounter with a less-than-tourist-orientated tram driver within 20 minutes of arriving in Melbourne was a particular highlight of Melbourne's national warm embrace. Fortunately we carry our own debate team of one with us!

"I'll just flop everywhere"

Ah, I'd just like to say "Nic, you're a f**king legend!" What memories! You had the toughest gig imaginable, you gave it your all and you will go down in history! Thankyou to Wendy and Arlene for being such good sports. Maurice, I'll find a way to get you back!!!

And Nic, just keep practicing the art! There's plenty of people who will donate themselves as mannequins, clearly!

Well, that concludes my run down of the trip to the 2007 Australian National Band Championships for now. Feel free to note any memories you'd like to share. In fact, COMMENT, BITCHES!!!! Pictures to come!!!!

And remember, victory in the 2009 Australian National Band Championships is.......

just around the corner!

******

EDIT: ROAD TRIP INTO HELL

My trip home was a total comedy of errors, I swear. I think I have to be the unluckiest person on earth. I didn't have to catch a bus until 8:30 in the morning but I decided I'd go with Big Al, Unkey Brent and Nat at 6:20 so I knew how to get there. After seeing them off before 7am, I went to check in at Firefly but the woman at the counter told me check in wasn't until 8am for Adelaide. So I went and got a coffee (which was like watered down dirt with milk) and sat on the ground for an hour. Unfortunately, what I hadn't been told is that the other check in desk WAS checking in Adelaide so by the time I realised, I was one of the last there. So I got a friggin aisle seat. First of many problems.

******

I was put at the back of the bus next to a girl who smelled like curry powder and garam masala gone bad. It was the kind of smell that makes me dry retch - I swear this smell had legs! From the first 5 minutes I was already bus sick from sitting over the engine and the smell made it worse and I wasn't even gonna be able to sleep it off. Luckily, for about 45 minutes the seats behind me were free so I could lie down until Ballarat but the smell must have been in this girl's hair hanging over the seat as it was more pungent than ever.

******

By the time I moved back to the allocated seat, my back was killing me, I had major cramp, I was exhausted and missing our little group. And above all, I was SHIT BORED! I couldn't read cos of motion sickness, couldn't sleep cos I had nowhere to put my head and couldn't even think straight because curry lady was talking in Hindi at 100 decibels an hour for about half the trip. At least she could have talked in English so I could have eavesdropped. How inconsiderate.

******

Then, finally, the driver decided to put on a video. Hilary Duff would have been an improvement over my day. And it was almost as bad: Dakota Fanning.....ugh...child actors! It was some terrible 'straight to dvd' release called Dreamer about horses (not my type of movie). But at least it was something to do. Or was it?

******

Oh no! Of course, my bad luck prevailed and 30 minutes in, the tvs decided they didn't want to work anymore and the driver couldn't fix them so we had to endure the rest of the trip without a video. I bet if we had had one though, it would have been Lizzie Maguire. ;)

******

So I tried to nap, shifting in my seat constantly. Then my WORST NIGHTMARE occurred. Curry lady fell asleep next to me and her head fell on my shoulder! I only thought that happened in movies. Kill me now! So I pushed her off but 5 seconds later, it was back again. In the end, I sorta nudged her to lean the opposite way and finally she did. But she was one of those annoying people who kept ALL her stuff down by her feet and so had no room to put her feet and started encroaching on my space. So I had the space of a 5 cent coin to put my feet.

******

Could this trip get any worse? Oh yes it can!

We headed for Tintinara to our second meal stop. There was about 5 minutes to go but the guy in front of me decided to put his seat back without warning me and I had my legs crossed. He jammed my knees in until I finally said 'ouch' and he stopped. I have a perfect bruise in the shape of my coke bottle now. We started to slow down in Tintinara but the driver stopped suddenly and suddenly I got whacked in the head with some guy's bag that he hadn't secured properly in the overhead luggage. So now I had a headache too. Then we stopped at the roadhouse and I got up to get out of this hellhole. But one of the guys was rude and pushed in front of me, stepping on my foot on the way out. Sneaker-tread shaped bruise there too.

******

I couldn't wait to get out for some fresh air. But no, as luck prevailed, as I got out, the smell hit me like a ton of bricks. 8 road trains filled with cows had decided to stop at the same time as us. The smell was putrid. I went into the toilets to escape it!

******

The rest of the trip was excrutiating - my phone had run out of charge so I couldn't even text anybody, the curry lady's pungent stench seemed to be multiplying with time. And just when I thought we were on the home stretch, we were stuck in an hr long traffic jam because of the roadworks between Hahndorf and Stirling and so arrived in Adelaide 30 minutes later than expected.

******

I've never been so glad to see my mum in my life. Next time, I'm bringing my bike!

Over and out.

Nicky's List of Movie Scenes that are FULLY SIK!

I'd like to share with you some of my favourite movie scenes of all time.

1. Now Duets is an awful movie on so many levels (the main reason being Gwyneth Paltrow). However, there is one scene that makes it worth watching, even if you press the mute button for the other hour and 26 minutes. It is the scene where Paul Giamatti and Andre Brauer do their awesome karaoke rendition of Try A Little Tenderness (although Andre Brauer's vocals were done by Arnold McCuller apparently). It is the best karaoke scene ever and the song version ALMOST rivals The Commitments. Who would have thought that Paul Giamatti could sing that well? Actually, he was the best thing about that movie, although he kinda lowered himself to it when we've seen what he can do in movies like Sideways.

2. One of the funniest movies and underrated comedies (which kicks ASS over Zoolander) is Mystery Men. It has an awesome cast with people like William H Macy, Janeane Garofalo, Hank Azaria and Greg Kinnear (aside from Ben Stiller who just plain irritates me sometimes) and a quirky plot straight out of sketch drama. My favourite scene is when the Mystery Men attack the Casanova Frankenstein, the nemesis' car and the Blue Raja scratches the paintwork with forks. When I first saw this, myself and Andrew McHappy laughed hysterically whilst everyone else stared at us in disbelief. I'm glad someone else saw the humour in that movie. :) And the best line is when the Invisible Boy finally reveals his powers and is standing naked, Janeane Garofalo says 'Maybe you should put some shorts on or something if we're gonna continue to fight evil today....'. He he.... DOWN WITH PANTS!

3. There are so many great scenes in This is Spinal Tap but three stand out: The first is the scene where the boys are talking about their past band members choking on vomit (or in one case, on someone ELSE'S vomit) and one who died in a bizarre gardening accident...! The second is the amplifier that goes to 11 (everyone remembers that one!) but the one that does it for me is the scene where they are performing Stonehenge on the stage but the styrofoam Stonehenge set is only half sized so they have to use dwarves to dance around them. It's hilarious!!

4. Best fight scene ever!!!! Bridget Jones's Diary: the scene where Colin Firth and Hugh Grant fight in the street. There is nothing funnier than two prim and proper English men girly slap each other and try and kick each other in suits. That's my kind of fight!!! They tried to rehash it in the sequel for tried and true laughs but the original just cracked me up.

5. The accolades for the best ending, I think, has to go to The Life Of Brian. There was something so wacky about a bunch of blokes singing whilst nailed to crosses that it goes down in history as one of the most memorable scenes ("I'm Brian, and so is my wife!"). And making it even more funny is the fact that the song is sung by Eric Idle who has one of the funniest voices ever to grace the screen. The song reminds me of Don Harvie (RIP) so it has a particular poignancy about it.

Part 2 of this movie scene extravaganza to come.....

Pull on those spangly tights....

I am all musical-ed out. I am sick of Singin' In The Rain already and we haven't even opened yet. I think it's because I've heard it all so many times before...WAY before I pretended to play the saxomaphone. I've found myself greeting people in song....."Good morning, good morning....." and dancing with umbrellas (or brooms...vacuum cleaners....very sharp long knives.....). I have started talking like Lina Lamont ("And I Caaaaaan't STAND HIM.....) and quoting random lines from the show ad nauseum.

I think I need to do some premieres of new shows. That way, I'm not already bored of it already. So, I was thinking...I could write some shows. Or at least, do a modern take on an old show. We all know about my Euro, "Wogs outta Work"-slant on the popular Grease......

GREECE: The Musical

With such popular songs as "Hopelessly Devoted To Yous" and starring Effie as Sandy....

Check out the Monaros, the excess hair gel......it'll be fully sik....

And then I thought, hmmmm, anything could be made into a musical. How about....................

or perhaps....

or the one I'm looking forward to....

This particular one could be great cos we could write the story kinda like Sweeney Todd or Slaughter on 10th Avenue where there's gruesome murders....

Then we could kill off ELMO!!!!!

How to talk 'Straiyun... (instructional dvd and workbook out soon)

I was watching a re-run of the Simpsons episode where Bart calls that Australian kid and reverse charges the phone call, and I was baffled at just how bad Americans are at imitating the Australian voice, considering that there are really quite simple ways of handling our lingo. So I have decided that Americans need an instructional video on how to talk Aussie. Cos clearly the subtleties of Kath and Kim and The Castle have gone right over most people's heads. But money being a little scarce, I thought I'd start with a blog entry. So here goes......

1. 80-90% of vowel sounds must be dropped from your words. Even the cliched Australian greeting has vowels dropped (G'day). In ordah to tork Straiyun, laziness is tha key. ie to greet someone, you should say 'how's it gahn?' Furthermore, any vowels that are still used must be spoken through the nose in a bagpipe-like nasal drone, particularly the 'ay' or 'eye' sounds. Names such as Kylie and Wayne should be whined and each vowel sound should be slid up to, Kath and Kim style.

2. Any male name has to be lengthened or shortened by adding a vowel to the end ie. Robbo, Simmo, Macca, Johnno. Even our nationality has been altered (Aussie or Oz). Any name containing an 'r' has to be converted to a 'z'. ie. Baz, Dazza, Loz (sorry Godzilla), Shaz. Names must be spelt in the most ridiculous way possible, especially if you live in the outer Northern or outer Southern suburbs (ie Ambuh, Ky-leigh, Ahmanduh, Britta-knee)

3. Sentences shouldn't be completed, wherever possible. For example, "The lecture was boring as". When in doubt, construct sentences using words not even found in the dictionary (ie Strewth, Grouse, Drongo).

4. Be as vulgar with words and toilet humour as you can. For example, to describe a rather stocky woman, you should say 'she was built like a brick shithouse'. Or to denote going to do a 'number 2', you should say 'I'm going to give birth to a big brown baby boy'. Describe anything you don't like as being 'shitty' or 'crappy' or any other word that describes faeces. In agreeing with someone, the correct terms should be 'f**k, yeah!' or 'yeah, no shit!'. Always refer to your friends in the most degrading way possible, calling them revolting names wherever possible. D**khead, W**ker and other insulting names should be their regular nicknames.

Experiment with the lingo. Part 2 of this lecture is coming soon....

My brain is slowly rotting....

I am a self-confessed reality TV freak. And it's really not a good thing. In fact, I think I watch too much tv in general. I was watching the game show 'The Rich List' the other day and I realised that I know too much about TV when I could name more than 10 Muppets. And I knew at least 15 Tom Cruise movies (and I don't even LIKE Tom Cruise - now if it was Kevin Bacon.......) and I shudder to think whatever other silver screen related category I'm gonna clean up in. I should go on this show....I could use $250,000. Bugger the partner you're supposed to have, I could do it solo. I digress....

Reality tv is my weakest area. I realised that aside from game shows, the shows I watch the most are reality ones. (Although this could do with the fact that there is a conspiracy created by Channel 10 to stop me from being able to watch House by putting it on band night...they must know that I have an unprogrammable VCR).

I have recently become addicted to 'So You Think You Can Dance'. And through watching it, I've started to think that maybe I just like these shows because I can live vicariously through the people I'm watching on the box. Cos they all follow a pattern - singing (Australian Idol - although Lee Harding doesn't count in that category), dancing (So You Think You Can Dance), dating people (The Bachelor), communicating and co-operating with family in a stressful environment (The Amazing Race) being able to do more than one pushup (The Biggest Loser). All things that I can't do.

Of course, Big Brother doesn't factor into this list. Why? Because even I can walk around the house wearing nothing but a belt and talk incessantly about graphic sex with total strangers. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to be a Big Brother contestant. In fact, if you WERE a rocket scientist, you wouldn't even get ON the show. There's an IQ limitation.

I just think it's laziness on my part. I figure I don't have to actually learn how to dance or sing or exercise or socialise with others when I can just watch other people doing it on TV. And that can't be healthy. Because sitting on my ass watching The Bachelor and seeing some chick say 'she's in love' with a slimy guy she's known for a mere few weeks and me actually getting weepy is just a little bit pathetic.

In fact, I think I should stop watching TV altogether. Because I'm entirely too involved in the evil that is Quizmania (does anyone else want to punch Hotdogs as much as me?). I know people that are becoming increasingly more violent the longer that piece of rubbish is on.

And I'm starting to harbour unhealthy thoughts about what I would like to do to shut up the chick with the freaky veins on her neck on the Caffe Primo ad. By the way, did anyone know that she is actually a 36ers cheerleader? ANNOUNCEMENT: Does anyone want to go to the basketball with me so I can egg her? I hate how she says "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Well, I don't know....if she's thinking that she would like to fall head first into a pile of orangutang faeces, then yeah! And as for the "throw a few more prawns on that" comment, don't even get me started. There were TWO F-ing prawns on the plate before she said that, the stingy bastards!

Yep, I think I should take leave from TV for a while. Although what would I do without Dr Karl Kennedy or the coppers at Sun Hill or the awe-inspiring smoulder of Michael Vartan in Alias....or Bert's bad jokes on Family Feud (BRING BACK ROB!) or that hilarious Carlton Cold ad where the chubby bloke does the Flashdance imitation...he he he... or the crazy capers of that yellow, four-fingered family..........

Oh shit, I really am pathetic.....

Drive how you want - they've got brakes!

How to drive South Australian

1. Leave it as late as possible to brake when approaching a stop sign or red light. If you have ABS, relish in the foot massage you get. If you don't have ABS, you get to stretch your legs whilst simultaneous revelling in the joy of watching the fear on the face of the person in the car in front as you miss them by just a couple of centimetres. It works even better if your tyres are bald and you need new brake pads or a top up on the brake fluid.

2. Go around the corner as quickly as possible. If your tyres don't squeal, you're just not putting enough effort in. Always try to sneak in BEFORE the pedestrians get to you if turning left across a pedestrian crossing. Pedestrians can stop easier than you. Beep them if they try and beat you or edge forward as if you will run them over. Keep those 'think-they're-better-than-you-are' greenies on their toes!

3. Change lanes as often as you can, making sure that you're RIGHT UP THE ASS of the car in front before pulling out into the other lane. Always try and sneak in to a gap that's too small for your car so the person in that lane has to hit their brakes. Give them the bird if they honk you. Always overtake on the left and remember that the speed limit doesn't apply to overtaking.

4. When travelling on a highway or freeway, sit in other cars' blindspots so they will get a shock when they go to change lanes. Speed up when someone tries to change lanes so they have to hit their brakes and move in behind you. Never let anybody into your lane in heavy traffic. Why should you? You were there first.

5. When someone is trying to overtake you on a one-lane highway, wait until they've pulled into the line of oncoming traffic, then speed up so they can't get in front of you. Tailgate them when they are in front of you. You can't afford to waste 0.1 of a second. Also, at night, sit in a position behind another car that makes your headlights shine DIRECTLY into their rear view vision mirror. Don't EVER dip your headlights for oncoming traffic until they've already got the white spots in front of their eyes.

6. Where possible, allow your passenger to take control of the wheel so you can do more important things like talking on your mobile phone, smoking, playing with your car stereo, eating a burger or applying makeup. As long as they hold the wheel steady, you can even turn and talk to your backseat passengers. Too much time is spent travelling to waste time.

7. The speed limit is just a suggestion. If there is no sign, assume you can go as fast as you want.

8. Work your absolute hardest to block off the only lanes available when you hear an emergency vehicle. It's quite entertaining to watch a big-ass fire engine drive on the nature strip. Although, it is quite okay to have your car stereo's sub woofers pumping so hard, you couldn't possibly hear the sirens in the first place...so how were you to know they were there? Huh, HUH????!!!

9. Only indicate to change lanes or turn with a single flash. If the other driver blinked and missed it, they weren't paying enough attention. Teach them a lesson by suddenly stopping. Take as LONG AS YOU WANT to turn into a side street and never get close to the gutter when you turn left. Leave as little room as possible for the car travelling behind you to go around you. In fact, make a last minute decision NOT to turn so that you teach those people a lesson....impatient bastards!

10. When anybody uses their horn as a warning signal, I would recommend getting your passenger to hold the wheel while you give them the 'one finger salute'. In fact, the 'one finger salute' can be applied anywhere on South Australian roads. It is, after all, tradition.

Happy driving!

Planning ahead...

I've decided that since I don't really have a will (cos I figure, you should actually own something valuable to have a will), I'll just tell everyone what I want at my funeral on this blog.

Music: 1. Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead - the Wizard of Oz munchkins (absolutely essential!)
2. If There's A Hell Below (We're All Going To It) - Curtis Mayfield
3. The Pretty Things Are Going To Hell - David Bowie
4. Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
5. Sex Machine - James Brown
6. You Make Me Sick - Pink
7. Closer - Nine Inch Nails
8. Anything off Antichrist Superstar - Marilyn Manson

**Note: Numbers two, three, seven and eight are particularly important... just in case my family lose their minds and put my funeral in a church***

During the service, I want a slide show that isn't a puke-inducing sentimental montage of me but instead, I want a screening of Degrassi, preferably the episode where Caitlin thinks she's a lesbian. **Again, this is particularly important if the service is in a church**

I want goodie bags given out at the door at the end of the service with all of my meagre possessions (ie. balls of hair out of my hairbrush, old cotton buds, used floss...that kind of thing....). Also, I think a jumping castle at the front would be a nice touch. However, that doesn't mean I want children at the funeral. There would be nothing more annoying than a child screaming and kicking the back of someone's seat and not be able to get out of the coffin to punch them in the head....

Instead of the obligatory coffee & biscuits wake, I want a pub crawl. They could just put my coffin on wheels and bring me with them. Then, of course, they'd have a portable table as well on which to sit their drinks. But don't forget to use a coaster. I might want that someone special to re-sell the coffin on ebay and don't want damn beer stains.

After the pubcrawl, I want to be taken to a taxidermist and stuffed. Then I want someone to put me on the doorstep of my current worst enemy, ring the doorbell and run away.

Don't forget to bring your cameras.