It's all about me....pt.2

THINGS I WHINGE ABOUT

Dangerous driving. I can handle people driving too slowly, or stealing your park in a shopping centre carpark, or blocking you in when you're parallel parking. Yeah, its rude, but I can deal with it. What REALLY shits me is the following....


a) When you are ahead of someone and the lanes merge and they accelerate to pull in front of you. It is incredibly dangerous and just plain ignorant. It makes me wanna run them off the road.
b) Tailgaters. How hard is it to leave 2 seconds between you and the car in front?!! It really isn't difficult. And yet, 95% of large car drivers tailgate. And even worse, get RIGHT UP YOUR ASS before changing lanes, which is dangerous and (at night when they have headlights as bright as the AAMI Stadium lights) rude as well. It's invariably Commodore and Falcon drivers and anyone driving a turbo charged heap of crap because they think that because they have a V6 and more power than they should be allowed to have, they have to make the most of it by speeding all the time.

c) People that change lanes RIGHT before a red traffic light. Most of us sensible drivers judge correct braking distance. When idiots do that, you're forced to rely on having new tyres and new brakes instead - it's unnecessary and puts people at risk. Prepare AHEAD OF TIME, people!!!

I get serious road rage from idiots like that. And anyone who has travelled with me driving probably knows this already.

Kids at school who don't wear deodorant. The year 8 boys smell really bad. I walked into school band practice the other day an hour after the last class had left and the lingering B.O. smell from the previous class hit me like a ton of bricks. My boss said she's so used to it, she doesn't even notice it anymore. How could she not notice it? I swear the smell has legs!


Incorrect grammar and punctuation. Some people get paid to make signs for a living. So you'd think that signwriting companies would employ people with SOME SEMBLANCE of grammatical and punctuation competency. If I see another pizza sign where they've written "2 Pizza's for $10", I'll force feed them the bloody thing. How hard is it to proof read, or if you're not sure, to ask someone? I don't think primary schools are working hard enough to make sure that children learn this. My primary school did. We didn't spend much time on it. But it was enough. But now, there are kids that don't know the difference between 'there, their and they're" and it's infuriating. It's really not that hard.

People whose vocal inflections sound as if every sentence is a question. Munnalita on The Biggest Loser spoke this way. It drove me BATTY! There must be a school for this somewhere - too many people do this.

Children. All children should be born at age 12. Although that would really hurt.....The End.

It's all about me...pt.1

THINGS I LIKE:

Coffee. Yes, yes, yes, I had to put this first. And only because all of you would be expecting me to anyway (ie. those of you who said I talked about nothing but coffee all the time we were in Melbourne. he he...). For those of you that know me well, I am a grumpy heinous bitch in the morning before my coffee. I have a sign on my fridge: I wrote a poem about coffee in my third year writing class at Flinders University. Everybody laughed at me.

Men's shoulder blades. I know, it's a bit random but there's nothing more sexy than the toned muscles on a guy's back right next to the shoulder blade (I don't know what it's called).

Most girls will check out an ass or perhaps a six pack but no, not me. I guess I'm a freak of nature.

All things clarinet-y. It's tough being a clarinet nerd. Whenever I meet someone new at the con and they ask me what I play, I watch as the interest fades from their eyes and their attention drift away to ANYTHING BUT TALKING TO ME when I say "clarinet". Now if I said "saxophone", suddenly their ears prick up. But clarinet, poor clarinet, is such a geeky instrument.

But with all its inconsistencies of intonation and evil reeds and the damn altissimo register, it's one of the most versatile, agile instruments around and it kicks ass.

Being a band nerd. I don't see what's wrong with it. Movies like American Pie pay the SHIT out of band kids but I find most of it to be a load of bollocks. Yes, playing in bands means you have to be somewhat obsessive and a lot of players don't do much else. But it's fun, challenging, and most of all, I have made some of the best friends I could ever have in bands. There's something about playing music together in that kind of environment that brings people really close together. (Although band camp or tour does help in that capacity....he he he). And if you play in a band 3 or 4 times a week, you're never that lonely which, I can tell you, beats watching Eddie Maguire on 1 vs 100 or whatever other crappy semi-entertainment. If its a choice between playing marches and watching Big Brother, bring on Standard of St George any day!

The smell of the earth just before it rains, thunderstorms and sunshowers. I love that earthy smell of the ground preparing itself for rain. Once it starts to rain, well then it's just friggin annoying. But that smell is awesome. As for lightning, I love sitting outside watching thunderstorms - we don't get them nearly enough in Adelaide. Although we don't get tornados either but this picture is COOL!

Reminds me of just how incredibly powerful our little blue planet is. I could be a meteorologist....if it wasn't so science-y and I wasn't completely useless at that stuff.

The sound of my cat's purr. I have two cats (although theoretically, neither of them are mine) and they are the completely the opposite. One meows really loudly (almost irritatingly noisily) but can't purr....she just snuffles. The other only squeaks - can't meow - but purrs like a lawnmower. She should have been named 'Victa'. I love the sound of a contented cat, even though five seconds later, the cow scratches me or bites me when she finally lulls you into a false sense of security.

Nix, The Nomadic Band Geek's Big Adventure!

****NEWSFLASH: UCB emerge victorious (almost!)****

UCB comes second in the Open B Grade Concert Band division. One step higher than 2005 and on our way to the top!!! Is it just me, or do we kick ass?! :)

******

I have just had a great weekend at the National Band Championships in Ivanhoe, Victoria, and this was mostly due to the people I met in the last week. At the risk of sounding schmaltzy, I'd just like to say that I have never in my life met such a warm, friendly group of people that I've instantly bonded with than the people I met last Wed morning whilst boarding the Overland. I formed an instant friendship with most of the people there (very rare for me) and I am truly grateful for their instant acceptance of me (a relative new-y to the band).

*****

I have been very fortunate to spend time with some wonderful people over the last week...particularly, but not limited to, Nads, Edgy, Unkey Brent, Big Al, Nat, Storrie, Grandpa Tinks and Anna Banana. For some of you, I wouldn't necessarily have chosen to stay with you in the hostel had I not come up on the train earlier but I am SO GLAD that I did. I would not have made the decision to stay with UCB had it not been for you. Thank you for making it so easy. I was quite nervous coming into this trip not knowing anyone aside from Nic and a couple of people I'd met before. I was quite apprehensive about everything but you welcomed me with open arms. Thanks so much. Miss you guys already!

******

Lotsa love, Nix (sniff....sniff....tears welling up.... MUST..... STOP..... CHEESINESS ....)

MOVING ON!

******

"What happens in Melbourne stays in Melbourne"

For those of you in the know, the above statement still applies so don't worry. No unexpected revelations here. However, I'd like to share some....um...how should I put this....um...innocent, completely harmless memories?? with everyone.

******

We didn't seem to have a lot of luck making it to the events we wanted to see this year. The first was the quartet division (congratulations to UCB's quartet for their 4th place) which I bloody missed because their performance was pushed ahead and I was too late buying a friggin' boys school shirt! I can't believe UCB had an Adelaide cheer squad and Nat and I missed the target of our support. So I figure, they can't be blamed for not coming first - I think it was their lack of me, their lucky charm. He he he... :)

******

Then of course, we missed Kew Band which was the only Brass Band I had been ordered to see by my family. We caught the march but that was about it. Dammit. Then poor Donsy had no support for Marion Brass as the Adelaide contingent missed their performance and watched it through a door - damn organisers pushed the event ahead of schedule!

******

And to finish off our run of bad luck, we chose to go for beer, right about the time that Geelong Concert Band (the band that beat us in B Grade Concert Band) was on stage. Not well timed.

But all in all, we had a fantastic weekend, bonding (some more than others...he he...) and most of the time, cacking ourselves! No matter where you were, there was always a smiling face, or an arm around a shoulder, or an imprompu rank and file marching group (complete with mediocre drum major....I think Edgy'll have to take a pay cut...he he).

******

"We visited Melbourne...but it was closed"

This weekend I have come to the conclusion that Adelaide is a great place to live. Melbourne appeared to be closed this weekend. In Adelaide, there's a pub open on every corner, usually at any time. In Melbourne, I think the hospitals close if business is slow...

We walked for miles looking for places to eat, even on Saturday night (although that was sometimes due to Unkey Brent's less than superb navigational skills - although Nads' eternal optimism of "it's just around the next corner" helped!). Sunday night's 'Wokka noodles/semi-edible playdough' experience as a last resort are likely to remain in Anna's nightmares forever! :)

******

Our encounter with a less-than-tourist-orientated tram driver within 20 minutes of arriving in Melbourne was a particular highlight of Melbourne's national warm embrace. Fortunately we carry our own debate team of one with us!

"I'll just flop everywhere"

Ah, I'd just like to say "Nic, you're a f**king legend!" What memories! You had the toughest gig imaginable, you gave it your all and you will go down in history! Thankyou to Wendy and Arlene for being such good sports. Maurice, I'll find a way to get you back!!!

And Nic, just keep practicing the art! There's plenty of people who will donate themselves as mannequins, clearly!

Well, that concludes my run down of the trip to the 2007 Australian National Band Championships for now. Feel free to note any memories you'd like to share. In fact, COMMENT, BITCHES!!!! Pictures to come!!!!

And remember, victory in the 2009 Australian National Band Championships is.......

just around the corner!

******

EDIT: ROAD TRIP INTO HELL

My trip home was a total comedy of errors, I swear. I think I have to be the unluckiest person on earth. I didn't have to catch a bus until 8:30 in the morning but I decided I'd go with Big Al, Unkey Brent and Nat at 6:20 so I knew how to get there. After seeing them off before 7am, I went to check in at Firefly but the woman at the counter told me check in wasn't until 8am for Adelaide. So I went and got a coffee (which was like watered down dirt with milk) and sat on the ground for an hour. Unfortunately, what I hadn't been told is that the other check in desk WAS checking in Adelaide so by the time I realised, I was one of the last there. So I got a friggin aisle seat. First of many problems.

******

I was put at the back of the bus next to a girl who smelled like curry powder and garam masala gone bad. It was the kind of smell that makes me dry retch - I swear this smell had legs! From the first 5 minutes I was already bus sick from sitting over the engine and the smell made it worse and I wasn't even gonna be able to sleep it off. Luckily, for about 45 minutes the seats behind me were free so I could lie down until Ballarat but the smell must have been in this girl's hair hanging over the seat as it was more pungent than ever.

******

By the time I moved back to the allocated seat, my back was killing me, I had major cramp, I was exhausted and missing our little group. And above all, I was SHIT BORED! I couldn't read cos of motion sickness, couldn't sleep cos I had nowhere to put my head and couldn't even think straight because curry lady was talking in Hindi at 100 decibels an hour for about half the trip. At least she could have talked in English so I could have eavesdropped. How inconsiderate.

******

Then, finally, the driver decided to put on a video. Hilary Duff would have been an improvement over my day. And it was almost as bad: Dakota Fanning.....ugh...child actors! It was some terrible 'straight to dvd' release called Dreamer about horses (not my type of movie). But at least it was something to do. Or was it?

******

Oh no! Of course, my bad luck prevailed and 30 minutes in, the tvs decided they didn't want to work anymore and the driver couldn't fix them so we had to endure the rest of the trip without a video. I bet if we had had one though, it would have been Lizzie Maguire. ;)

******

So I tried to nap, shifting in my seat constantly. Then my WORST NIGHTMARE occurred. Curry lady fell asleep next to me and her head fell on my shoulder! I only thought that happened in movies. Kill me now! So I pushed her off but 5 seconds later, it was back again. In the end, I sorta nudged her to lean the opposite way and finally she did. But she was one of those annoying people who kept ALL her stuff down by her feet and so had no room to put her feet and started encroaching on my space. So I had the space of a 5 cent coin to put my feet.

******

Could this trip get any worse? Oh yes it can!

We headed for Tintinara to our second meal stop. There was about 5 minutes to go but the guy in front of me decided to put his seat back without warning me and I had my legs crossed. He jammed my knees in until I finally said 'ouch' and he stopped. I have a perfect bruise in the shape of my coke bottle now. We started to slow down in Tintinara but the driver stopped suddenly and suddenly I got whacked in the head with some guy's bag that he hadn't secured properly in the overhead luggage. So now I had a headache too. Then we stopped at the roadhouse and I got up to get out of this hellhole. But one of the guys was rude and pushed in front of me, stepping on my foot on the way out. Sneaker-tread shaped bruise there too.

******

I couldn't wait to get out for some fresh air. But no, as luck prevailed, as I got out, the smell hit me like a ton of bricks. 8 road trains filled with cows had decided to stop at the same time as us. The smell was putrid. I went into the toilets to escape it!

******

The rest of the trip was excrutiating - my phone had run out of charge so I couldn't even text anybody, the curry lady's pungent stench seemed to be multiplying with time. And just when I thought we were on the home stretch, we were stuck in an hr long traffic jam because of the roadworks between Hahndorf and Stirling and so arrived in Adelaide 30 minutes later than expected.

******

I've never been so glad to see my mum in my life. Next time, I'm bringing my bike!

Over and out.

Nicky's List of Movie Scenes that are FULLY SIK!

I'd like to share with you some of my favourite movie scenes of all time.

1. Now Duets is an awful movie on so many levels (the main reason being Gwyneth Paltrow). However, there is one scene that makes it worth watching, even if you press the mute button for the other hour and 26 minutes. It is the scene where Paul Giamatti and Andre Brauer do their awesome karaoke rendition of Try A Little Tenderness (although Andre Brauer's vocals were done by Arnold McCuller apparently). It is the best karaoke scene ever and the song version ALMOST rivals The Commitments. Who would have thought that Paul Giamatti could sing that well? Actually, he was the best thing about that movie, although he kinda lowered himself to it when we've seen what he can do in movies like Sideways.

2. One of the funniest movies and underrated comedies (which kicks ASS over Zoolander) is Mystery Men. It has an awesome cast with people like William H Macy, Janeane Garofalo, Hank Azaria and Greg Kinnear (aside from Ben Stiller who just plain irritates me sometimes) and a quirky plot straight out of sketch drama. My favourite scene is when the Mystery Men attack the Casanova Frankenstein, the nemesis' car and the Blue Raja scratches the paintwork with forks. When I first saw this, myself and Andrew McHappy laughed hysterically whilst everyone else stared at us in disbelief. I'm glad someone else saw the humour in that movie. :) And the best line is when the Invisible Boy finally reveals his powers and is standing naked, Janeane Garofalo says 'Maybe you should put some shorts on or something if we're gonna continue to fight evil today....'. He he.... DOWN WITH PANTS!

3. There are so many great scenes in This is Spinal Tap but three stand out: The first is the scene where the boys are talking about their past band members choking on vomit (or in one case, on someone ELSE'S vomit) and one who died in a bizarre gardening accident...! The second is the amplifier that goes to 11 (everyone remembers that one!) but the one that does it for me is the scene where they are performing Stonehenge on the stage but the styrofoam Stonehenge set is only half sized so they have to use dwarves to dance around them. It's hilarious!!

4. Best fight scene ever!!!! Bridget Jones's Diary: the scene where Colin Firth and Hugh Grant fight in the street. There is nothing funnier than two prim and proper English men girly slap each other and try and kick each other in suits. That's my kind of fight!!! They tried to rehash it in the sequel for tried and true laughs but the original just cracked me up.

5. The accolades for the best ending, I think, has to go to The Life Of Brian. There was something so wacky about a bunch of blokes singing whilst nailed to crosses that it goes down in history as one of the most memorable scenes ("I'm Brian, and so is my wife!"). And making it even more funny is the fact that the song is sung by Eric Idle who has one of the funniest voices ever to grace the screen. The song reminds me of Don Harvie (RIP) so it has a particular poignancy about it.

Part 2 of this movie scene extravaganza to come.....

Pull on those spangly tights....

I am all musical-ed out. I am sick of Singin' In The Rain already and we haven't even opened yet. I think it's because I've heard it all so many times before...WAY before I pretended to play the saxomaphone. I've found myself greeting people in song....."Good morning, good morning....." and dancing with umbrellas (or brooms...vacuum cleaners....very sharp long knives.....). I have started talking like Lina Lamont ("And I Caaaaaan't STAND HIM.....) and quoting random lines from the show ad nauseum.

I think I need to do some premieres of new shows. That way, I'm not already bored of it already. So, I was thinking...I could write some shows. Or at least, do a modern take on an old show. We all know about my Euro, "Wogs outta Work"-slant on the popular Grease......

GREECE: The Musical

With such popular songs as "Hopelessly Devoted To Yous" and starring Effie as Sandy....

Check out the Monaros, the excess hair gel......it'll be fully sik....

And then I thought, hmmmm, anything could be made into a musical. How about....................

or perhaps....

or the one I'm looking forward to....

This particular one could be great cos we could write the story kinda like Sweeney Todd or Slaughter on 10th Avenue where there's gruesome murders....

Then we could kill off ELMO!!!!!

How to talk 'Straiyun... (instructional dvd and workbook out soon)

I was watching a re-run of the Simpsons episode where Bart calls that Australian kid and reverse charges the phone call, and I was baffled at just how bad Americans are at imitating the Australian voice, considering that there are really quite simple ways of handling our lingo. So I have decided that Americans need an instructional video on how to talk Aussie. Cos clearly the subtleties of Kath and Kim and The Castle have gone right over most people's heads. But money being a little scarce, I thought I'd start with a blog entry. So here goes......

1. 80-90% of vowel sounds must be dropped from your words. Even the cliched Australian greeting has vowels dropped (G'day). In ordah to tork Straiyun, laziness is tha key. ie to greet someone, you should say 'how's it gahn?' Furthermore, any vowels that are still used must be spoken through the nose in a bagpipe-like nasal drone, particularly the 'ay' or 'eye' sounds. Names such as Kylie and Wayne should be whined and each vowel sound should be slid up to, Kath and Kim style.

2. Any male name has to be lengthened or shortened by adding a vowel to the end ie. Robbo, Simmo, Macca, Johnno. Even our nationality has been altered (Aussie or Oz). Any name containing an 'r' has to be converted to a 'z'. ie. Baz, Dazza, Loz (sorry Godzilla), Shaz. Names must be spelt in the most ridiculous way possible, especially if you live in the outer Northern or outer Southern suburbs (ie Ambuh, Ky-leigh, Ahmanduh, Britta-knee)

3. Sentences shouldn't be completed, wherever possible. For example, "The lecture was boring as". When in doubt, construct sentences using words not even found in the dictionary (ie Strewth, Grouse, Drongo).

4. Be as vulgar with words and toilet humour as you can. For example, to describe a rather stocky woman, you should say 'she was built like a brick shithouse'. Or to denote going to do a 'number 2', you should say 'I'm going to give birth to a big brown baby boy'. Describe anything you don't like as being 'shitty' or 'crappy' or any other word that describes faeces. In agreeing with someone, the correct terms should be 'f**k, yeah!' or 'yeah, no shit!'. Always refer to your friends in the most degrading way possible, calling them revolting names wherever possible. D**khead, W**ker and other insulting names should be their regular nicknames.

Experiment with the lingo. Part 2 of this lecture is coming soon....

My brain is slowly rotting....

I am a self-confessed reality TV freak. And it's really not a good thing. In fact, I think I watch too much tv in general. I was watching the game show 'The Rich List' the other day and I realised that I know too much about TV when I could name more than 10 Muppets. And I knew at least 15 Tom Cruise movies (and I don't even LIKE Tom Cruise - now if it was Kevin Bacon.......) and I shudder to think whatever other silver screen related category I'm gonna clean up in. I should go on this show....I could use $250,000. Bugger the partner you're supposed to have, I could do it solo. I digress....

Reality tv is my weakest area. I realised that aside from game shows, the shows I watch the most are reality ones. (Although this could do with the fact that there is a conspiracy created by Channel 10 to stop me from being able to watch House by putting it on band night...they must know that I have an unprogrammable VCR).

I have recently become addicted to 'So You Think You Can Dance'. And through watching it, I've started to think that maybe I just like these shows because I can live vicariously through the people I'm watching on the box. Cos they all follow a pattern - singing (Australian Idol - although Lee Harding doesn't count in that category), dancing (So You Think You Can Dance), dating people (The Bachelor), communicating and co-operating with family in a stressful environment (The Amazing Race) being able to do more than one pushup (The Biggest Loser). All things that I can't do.

Of course, Big Brother doesn't factor into this list. Why? Because even I can walk around the house wearing nothing but a belt and talk incessantly about graphic sex with total strangers. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to be a Big Brother contestant. In fact, if you WERE a rocket scientist, you wouldn't even get ON the show. There's an IQ limitation.

I just think it's laziness on my part. I figure I don't have to actually learn how to dance or sing or exercise or socialise with others when I can just watch other people doing it on TV. And that can't be healthy. Because sitting on my ass watching The Bachelor and seeing some chick say 'she's in love' with a slimy guy she's known for a mere few weeks and me actually getting weepy is just a little bit pathetic.

In fact, I think I should stop watching TV altogether. Because I'm entirely too involved in the evil that is Quizmania (does anyone else want to punch Hotdogs as much as me?). I know people that are becoming increasingly more violent the longer that piece of rubbish is on.

And I'm starting to harbour unhealthy thoughts about what I would like to do to shut up the chick with the freaky veins on her neck on the Caffe Primo ad. By the way, did anyone know that she is actually a 36ers cheerleader? ANNOUNCEMENT: Does anyone want to go to the basketball with me so I can egg her? I hate how she says "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Well, I don't know....if she's thinking that she would like to fall head first into a pile of orangutang faeces, then yeah! And as for the "throw a few more prawns on that" comment, don't even get me started. There were TWO F-ing prawns on the plate before she said that, the stingy bastards!

Yep, I think I should take leave from TV for a while. Although what would I do without Dr Karl Kennedy or the coppers at Sun Hill or the awe-inspiring smoulder of Michael Vartan in Alias....or Bert's bad jokes on Family Feud (BRING BACK ROB!) or that hilarious Carlton Cold ad where the chubby bloke does the Flashdance imitation...he he he... or the crazy capers of that yellow, four-fingered family..........

Oh shit, I really am pathetic.....

Drive how you want - they've got brakes!

How to drive South Australian

1. Leave it as late as possible to brake when approaching a stop sign or red light. If you have ABS, relish in the foot massage you get. If you don't have ABS, you get to stretch your legs whilst simultaneous revelling in the joy of watching the fear on the face of the person in the car in front as you miss them by just a couple of centimetres. It works even better if your tyres are bald and you need new brake pads or a top up on the brake fluid.

2. Go around the corner as quickly as possible. If your tyres don't squeal, you're just not putting enough effort in. Always try to sneak in BEFORE the pedestrians get to you if turning left across a pedestrian crossing. Pedestrians can stop easier than you. Beep them if they try and beat you or edge forward as if you will run them over. Keep those 'think-they're-better-than-you-are' greenies on their toes!

3. Change lanes as often as you can, making sure that you're RIGHT UP THE ASS of the car in front before pulling out into the other lane. Always try and sneak in to a gap that's too small for your car so the person in that lane has to hit their brakes. Give them the bird if they honk you. Always overtake on the left and remember that the speed limit doesn't apply to overtaking.

4. When travelling on a highway or freeway, sit in other cars' blindspots so they will get a shock when they go to change lanes. Speed up when someone tries to change lanes so they have to hit their brakes and move in behind you. Never let anybody into your lane in heavy traffic. Why should you? You were there first.

5. When someone is trying to overtake you on a one-lane highway, wait until they've pulled into the line of oncoming traffic, then speed up so they can't get in front of you. Tailgate them when they are in front of you. You can't afford to waste 0.1 of a second. Also, at night, sit in a position behind another car that makes your headlights shine DIRECTLY into their rear view vision mirror. Don't EVER dip your headlights for oncoming traffic until they've already got the white spots in front of their eyes.

6. Where possible, allow your passenger to take control of the wheel so you can do more important things like talking on your mobile phone, smoking, playing with your car stereo, eating a burger or applying makeup. As long as they hold the wheel steady, you can even turn and talk to your backseat passengers. Too much time is spent travelling to waste time.

7. The speed limit is just a suggestion. If there is no sign, assume you can go as fast as you want.

8. Work your absolute hardest to block off the only lanes available when you hear an emergency vehicle. It's quite entertaining to watch a big-ass fire engine drive on the nature strip. Although, it is quite okay to have your car stereo's sub woofers pumping so hard, you couldn't possibly hear the sirens in the first place...so how were you to know they were there? Huh, HUH????!!!

9. Only indicate to change lanes or turn with a single flash. If the other driver blinked and missed it, they weren't paying enough attention. Teach them a lesson by suddenly stopping. Take as LONG AS YOU WANT to turn into a side street and never get close to the gutter when you turn left. Leave as little room as possible for the car travelling behind you to go around you. In fact, make a last minute decision NOT to turn so that you teach those people a lesson....impatient bastards!

10. When anybody uses their horn as a warning signal, I would recommend getting your passenger to hold the wheel while you give them the 'one finger salute'. In fact, the 'one finger salute' can be applied anywhere on South Australian roads. It is, after all, tradition.

Happy driving!

Planning ahead...

I've decided that since I don't really have a will (cos I figure, you should actually own something valuable to have a will), I'll just tell everyone what I want at my funeral on this blog.

Music: 1. Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead - the Wizard of Oz munchkins (absolutely essential!)
2. If There's A Hell Below (We're All Going To It) - Curtis Mayfield
3. The Pretty Things Are Going To Hell - David Bowie
4. Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
5. Sex Machine - James Brown
6. You Make Me Sick - Pink
7. Closer - Nine Inch Nails
8. Anything off Antichrist Superstar - Marilyn Manson

**Note: Numbers two, three, seven and eight are particularly important... just in case my family lose their minds and put my funeral in a church***

During the service, I want a slide show that isn't a puke-inducing sentimental montage of me but instead, I want a screening of Degrassi, preferably the episode where Caitlin thinks she's a lesbian. **Again, this is particularly important if the service is in a church**

I want goodie bags given out at the door at the end of the service with all of my meagre possessions (ie. balls of hair out of my hairbrush, old cotton buds, used floss...that kind of thing....). Also, I think a jumping castle at the front would be a nice touch. However, that doesn't mean I want children at the funeral. There would be nothing more annoying than a child screaming and kicking the back of someone's seat and not be able to get out of the coffin to punch them in the head....

Instead of the obligatory coffee & biscuits wake, I want a pub crawl. They could just put my coffin on wheels and bring me with them. Then, of course, they'd have a portable table as well on which to sit their drinks. But don't forget to use a coaster. I might want that someone special to re-sell the coffin on ebay and don't want damn beer stains.

After the pubcrawl, I want to be taken to a taxidermist and stuffed. Then I want someone to put me on the doorstep of my current worst enemy, ring the doorbell and run away.

Don't forget to bring your cameras.

Devils in baby blue jumpsuits

You know, I'm starting to think I'm evil.

I was in the park having a picnic today for Mum's birthday and there was this group of people playing cricket about 50m from us. And because Mum's friends are shit boring and I was the only one there younger than 55, I was watching the other people who seemed to be having much more fun than me (damn them all to hell! lol).

There was this little kid there that must have been about two with a plastic kiddie cricket bat and a twenty-something guy (who was a bit alright, I might add, not that I was noticing or anything) who was bowling down to this kid. And the older guy threw it a little too hard and the kid missed it and the ball hit the stumps. And you know what I thought? I was thinking, "DAMN IT, it missed that kid's head".

I am so evil. I really don't like children, do I?! I thought it was something I would grow out of. But it clearly isn't. Cos at my age, usually girls are hearing that incessant 'tick tock tick tock' and trying to snag any poor bloke with workable tackle to help them fulfil their parental dream. But not me. A friend said to me the other day 'Children is what you do when you've done absolutely everything you've ever wanted to do and your life is over.' A piece of wisdom if ever I heard it.

And yet, I love those damn kids at the school. I have absolutely no problem teaching very newly pubescent teenage kids how to play the clarinet - in fact, I kinda look forward to it lately - but I can't stand children clinging on to my legs at the dinner table at Xmas or asking me to read them the same bloody picture book a thousand times. I got subjected to my 6 year old cousin asking me to do the word find in the newspaper with her for 3 HOURS! She sat on my lap, the little heavyweight, and would not move until we'd found every bleeding word in the damn thing. For anyone else, this would be a touching moment of bonding with family. For me, it was Nightmare on Elm Street VIII.

My mum's family in Tassie think my lack of maternal instinct is selfishness. They think it's that I refuse to dedicate myself to another human being. And I object to that. Cos if I'm thinking, "I wish a cricket ball had hit a kid in the noggin", can you IMAGINE what I would be like if I had a kid drawing on my newly painted walls with crayon or eating my bleach under the sink or using my shiny baby tenor saxophone Stan (yes, he has a name!) as a baseball bat?!

I think I'm doing the world a favour.

Finish these sentences.....

1. Last time someone hurt me... I told them that one day they were going to really miss their balls.

2. My last disappointment was... finding out that Degrassi High was not available in full DVD box set yet.

3. Internet ads... piss me off, esp when they pop up and you have to click on the little cross to make it go away but it's fake and it links you to their stupid site where they put a friggin cookie on my computer or a virus......I'm running out of breath in this rant!

4. I think MySpace... is a word that should be TWO words.

5. My most prized possession is.... my FHM word fridge magnets (hours of endless fun), my collection of old toenail clippings and the Degrassi Junior High 3 season box set. :)

6. If I could stab someone in the throat, it would be... ELMO!

7. One thing I wish I could do is... hug some random person at the airport as they come through the arrivals gate and pretend that I know them. You know, pinch their cheeks and stuff. And have someone film it and make it a hit TV show that rivals Punk'd.

8. But I equally wish I could... get out of not having to call the tennis people to tell them that I can't work for them anymore cos I'm friggin dreading it!

9. My favorite kinds of surveys are... the ones where I don't have to reveal anything. I have to maintain some sense of mystery and distance....

10. The first pet I ever had was... Matt. Does he count?

11. Gosh, I am SO... sick of turning on the TV and seeing some stupid braindead chick hosting a no-brainer midnight game show where they TELL the audience the answer but still don't get anyone answering it correctly. How dumb are people in other states??????

12. Yesterday was... the day before today.

13. I want to kiss... my arm in practice in front of the mirror for the real thing!

14. I want to hug... someone sexy who doesn't smell.

15. This is because... I need to give a reason??? Where have you been living? Under a rock???

16. This survey is SOOO... numerical.

17. Where is.... my mother? I'm hungry. FEED ME!!!!!!! I don't have any food in my fridge.

18. I don't want to... sit next to big smelly people who push me up against the glass on the bus.

19. Right now would be a good time to... crochet doilies. Why not?

20. I can't go anywhere now cos.... a crocodile ate both my legs and now they're just bloody stumps. And that's just too embarrassing. Blood clashes with my fuchsia skirt!

21. My lucky number is... any combination of numbers that wins me 1 million buckaroonies.

22. I don't like.... that stupid chick from the Cafe Primo ad. "Throw a few more prawns on that...." - well of course they should. There were only two on there. Her grin just makes me wanna dye her teeth yellow!

23. If I could hang out with anyone in the whole world right now, I would hang out with... my washing. If someone hangs on my ankles, I might get a little taller.

24. Because... I'm sick of being called a 'walking head'.

25. I miss.... the bus everytime I walk out the house to go anywhere. I don't run for it cos I dread the day someone will yell out 'Run Forrest Run!' like I used to do to pubescent teenage boys when I was an evil high schooler.

26. I want... John Howard to be filmed having a deep and meaningful conversation with a garden gnome - picking on someone his own size.

27. I deserve... to be locked up in padded cell no 3. I've been out too long.

28. I enjoy... torturing small children.

29. Something that really annoys me is... how someone doesn't put a White Pointer Shark in the pool at the Big Brother house.

30. I can't STAND... cos I have no legs...I told you. Geez, you have a short memory!

31. My favorite aisle at the store is... the one where there's the lady on the corner giving away free tastings! It's my only chance for a meal!

32. Someone who has really made a difference in my life is... Yoda. He was full of wisdom and you have to love someone who says "Judge me by my size, do you not?". Respect!

33. Other people have too... much time on their hands to create useless bollocks postings on blogs like this! :)

34. I want to... run through the halls in my high school...I wanna scream at the top of my lungs....oh hang on, that's a song isn't it?

35. When I say goodbye, I usually... frisk em.

Stupid survey

10 Years Ago...December 1996

How old were you?
18

Where did you go to school?
Adelaide

Where did you work?
I didn't. If I'd had a job, I would have failed Year 12 - for the second year running.

Where did you live?
At Mum's in Ye Olde Boganville Findon

Where did you hang out?
In Southern Cross arcade where the owner of the health food store used to give us free coffee (ironic huh?), I also hung out at gigs that Reckoning did and all that jazz....

What was your hairstyle?
Long. Pretty much the same as now, only natural colour

Did you wear glasses?
No. Have perfect eyesight.

Who was your regular-person crush?
Then, I wasn't really interested in anyone. Was still reeling over the mistake that was Ben Davis. Lol.

How many tattoos did you have?
None. I am too chicken.

How many piercings did you have?
One in each ear. Again, I'm a wuss.

What car did you drive?
Bah, didn't drive. I was too lazy to get off my Ls. I didn't get my Ps till I was 21.

What was your favorite band/group?
I don't even remember. I know I was listening to the Smashing Pumpkins...a lot.
What was your worst fear?
Spiders. And being made to hang out with Ben Davis.

Had you driven yet?
Yes. Didn't have a licence but had driven Dad's mini moke & he'd tried to teach me how to drive his van. He never tried again. He he...

Had you been to a real party yet?
Oh yeah, baby! Our high school formal after-party kicked ass!

Had your heart broken?
Yeah. I guess. It's all water under the bridge....

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
I was single at that point....


5 Years Ago...December 2001

How old were you?
23

Where did you go to school?
I wasn't at school. I finished my degree in 2000 and I was working at that awful bloody transport company, selling my soul for a few bucks.

Where did you work?
See above....

Where did you live?
Mum's still.

Where did you hang out?
I floated around a lot. I think that was in the stage where I was going out to bars EVERYWHERE and hanging out at Spanner's after band until 4am (then going to work at 7am!)

How was your hair style?
A little shorter and a funny maroon-y red colour.

Did you wear glasses?
No.

Who was your regular-person crush?
Matt. We'd been together for a while at that point...

How many tattoos did you have?
None. Still a chicken.

How many piercings did you have?
Just the one in each ear still. I was still a wuss.

What car did you drive?
Oh, how I miss you, little red Holden Apollo.....

What was your favorite band/group?
This was at the point where I was listening to bloody everything but I was starting to get heavily into neo-swing, funk and jazz (even moreso than before).

What was your worst fear?
That I would lose the ones I loved.

Had you been to a real party yet?
I was friends with Matt, Marie-Ann (the tequila pisshead!) and Jonathon. What do you THINK is the answer to that question?!

Had your heart broken?
Um, yeah, but it wasn't relevant at that point. Again, water under the bridge.

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
Taken.

Now...December 2006

How old are you?
28

Where do you work?
At a school. Won't divulge the name for security reasons but I love it there. Love the kids, the staff... :)

Where do you hang out?
At jazz gigs, at the Uni bar on rare occasions but often at pubs like The Austral etc and at dinner...

How is your hair style?
Very long at the moment, needs a cut and is about twenty five different colours all melted into one. I'm going for the sexy shaggy look. lol..

Do you wear glasses?
No. My eyesight's still great.

Do you talk to your old friends?
A few. Um, still friends with a few from school (in fact, some are my closest friends) and I love all the people I met in the first degree (even though I didn't actually study with them) so yeah, that's a yes.

How many piercings do you have?
Still one in each ear. Don't really want anymore.

How many tattoos?
None, but I think I want a music symbol or something. I've become brave in my old age.

What kind of car do you have?
A non-running 1980 3 litre diesel Mercedes Benz of the baby poo yellow persuasion.

What is your favorite band/group?
I don't have a favourite band (although U2 always rates really highly, naturally) but I'm still listening to majorly eclectic range of music incl but not limited to neo-swing (RCR, Cherry Poppin Daddies, Atomic Fireballs), funk and soul (Stevie Wonder, James Brown, Goose, Al Green, Otis Redding, Wilson Pickett, Curtis Mayfield, Chuck Brown), jazz (Stan Getz, Buddy Rich, Maynard Ferguson, Errol Garner, Dexter Gordon, Coltrane, Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, Benny Goodman, Ella...too many to mention), classic bands (Led Zeppelin, Metallica, Bon Jovi, early RHCP, REM, Toto...hehehe)...... geez this list is going too long. I'll leave it there....

What is your biggest fear?
Losing my loved ones....being rejected and hurt again.

Have you been arrested, if so how many times total?
No.

Has your heart been broken?
I'm healing.... my heart was broken badly several times but I'm okay. Things are looking up.

Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
Why isn't 'hopeful' or 'potential' on the list?

The World Is One Giant Armpit

Okay, so that title has no relevance. But I got your attention, right? right?! Ha ha! Although, if that were true, it would be one smelly, sweaty place... kinda like Queensland! hehehehe

I'd just like to say that after a very interesting, informative discussion on Australia Day with a certain couple of inebriated souls, I think that the standard of game shows in South Australia are appalling. Whatever happened to the Rob Broughs of this world!

ALL HAIL ROB, THE GAME SHOW GOD!

I'm sorry but there are just no good Aussie game shows left. I mean, Bert just doesn't cut it on Family Feud. And as for Larry Emdur's shortlived hosting of Wheel Of Fortune - don't even get me started.... I think I've had enough of his mouthful of teeth to last me a lifetime. What they should have done is got Dicko to host The Price Is Right. Can you imagine that? When someone puts a vacuum cleaner lower than the holiday in the Showcase, he'd be goin' "You dickhead! You have no talent. Why don't you just move to the Nullarbor?". Now that'd be good telly.

Actually this could be a good move.....just give Dicko some Bee Gees teeth and he'll be set.I remember the days of "I Do, I Do", the game show where couples competed to get married on the show in some kitsch set that looked straight out of a Kings Cross brothel. They thought they were actually winning! How can you beat that for pure entertainment? FOOLS!!!! Mwah ha ha ha! Whoever thought up that game show must have had an IQ about the same number as the amount of weeks the show was on air - about 8 weeks.

And don't even start me on the irony that was Catch Phrase. I don't think I ever actually saw a actual catch phrase on that show. Since when is 'Richard Gere' a catch phrase? Hang on, since when is Richard Gere an actor either...

I'm starting a campaign here on Down With Pants to bring back Rob Brough, one that all the curly haired blonde people could relate to... Because Australia needs a good game show and who else could provide it than Rob, the Aussie David Hasselhoff, one big hunk o' Aussie spunk. Ladies beware!

Chants: Bring back Rob! Bring back Rob!

Canadian Melodrama - Is there a better pastime?

BEST PURCHASE EVER!!!!!!!!

A few months ago, I made the best buy ever. What better way than to wile away my sorrows than a piece of 80s Canadian kids soap opera gold?

Seriously, how can you go past Joey Jeremiah and The Zit Remedy "Everybody wants something...they'll never give up...." and how about Wheels? Positively the most unattractive kid on earth - he had it all. Giant square glasses, bad skin, he wore skinny jeans and let's not forget the fabulous mullet! And how can you forget 'All The Way with Stephanie Kaye!'?

Pure and utter genius of children's television! Cos how can you criticise a show that had a 13 year old punk teenage mum, or a kid who tells a girl he likes that her eyes are like 'pimming swools', or girls that wear dresses with the belt or hot pink leggings or shave the top of their head but not the back (ie Liz the animal rights activist)? And a show in which the 'hero' is a cocky little hobbit (he he he...cocky!) chasing after a girl who looked exactly like my brother in the first few seasons? You just can't. It's addictive.

If anybody would like to partake in some filmic genius at some point, be sure to give me a call and me and the Degrassi Gang will be waiting! But for now, some lyrical poetry....

Wake up in the morning, feeling shy and lonely
Gee, I've gotta go to school
I don't think I can make it, don't think I can take it
I wonder what I'm gonna do.
But then I look around and see that someone is smiling right at me
Wait! Someone's talking to me,
Hey, I've got a new friend.
Everybody can succeed, all you need is to believe
Let's be honest with yourself.
Forget your fears and doubts (.....note: pronounced dotes! he he)
Come on give us a try at Degrassi Junior High!

Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon

I am the self-confessed "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" queen. What is this, some of you may ask? Here's the url of the Wikipedia definition: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six_Degrees_of_Kevin_Bacon

The idea is that some guys got this idea that you could link anyone in Hollywood, past or present to Kevin Bacon in 6 moves or less. ie. To link Michelle Pfeiffer to Kevin Bacon, you can go as follows:

Michelle Pfeiffer was in Wolf with Jack Nicolson
Jack Nicolson was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon

Only 2 moves. That constitutes a "Bacon Number" of 2. That's a pretty easy one.

I am the queen. I have been challenged by everyone and have yet to be stumped. Some of the hardest ones have been Clark Gable, Chris Rock and Gerard Depardieu but I have not been challenged successfully yet. And I have never yet used any external source to find my answers. Just my sadly pathetic mind that retains useless knowledge about celebrities.

So bring it on! Challenge me! I could use a real brainer.

Pop on those headphones!

I'd like to share with you a selection of some of my favourite tunes. This is in no way complete, it's a really eclectic mix and is in no particular order. However, everybody who knows me well enough can be assured that Africa is still and always will be my own personal anthem. So with that said, how about I start with that?

The first thing I love about Africa by Toto is the total irony of the whole song. It's a song about Africa in its most magnificent state sung by a bunch of white American boys in the 80s who confessed that they'd never been to Africa and it was a country that held no particular significance for them. They used instruments to create authentic African percussive sounds but none of the instruments came from Africa. But it works. The song has great rhythm, mainly due to the legendary drumming of the late Jeff Porcaro. The lead singer in this song wasn't the normal lead singer, instead the keyboardist stood in on vocals but he also works. The harmonies are catchy & actually quite difficult to sing. I love the cheesiness of the moment they try to squeeze the word Serengeti into a space where the syllables simply DO NOT fit. I get a big cheesy grin on my face when this song comes on and it even got used on a photo dvd for the Fotias that Jane made as my own personal theme music!

Running a close second to this is my beloved U2 but it's not a song commonly played on the radio. It's the ethereal The Ground Beneath Her Feet which is on the tail end of All That You Can't Leave Behind and on the soundtrack to a flopped movie Million Dollar Hotel. I think it's a great feat for a song to beat out such amazing tracks like With Or Without You or Where The Streets Have No Name or of course, my other beloved u2 track, All I Want Is You. I get tingles from this song every time I hear it - I could listen to it on a loop and still get that leap of the heart every time. I don't know whether it's Salman Rushdie's poetic lyricism or the fact that Bono's vocals are right on the mark, the perfect balance of gentle calm and soaring power. Or that The Edge and Daniel Lanois's entrances are perfection. I just love the combined simplicity and power of this song.

Stevie Wonder is one of those artists that always rises that urge to dance in me....and some of you have seen me dance...it's not pretty. lol. There are plenty of tracks that I could list here that could easily make the Number 1 Stevie spot (Another Star, I Wish, Superstition, Master Blaster) but I think that Higher Ground edges them all out. It's so damn funky and really brings out the great songwriting skills that the Wonderman had. I love the guitar & keys riff which is a bit of a Stevie trademark. And the mark of a good song is when a band like Red Hot Chili Peppers can do a cover that isn't shamed. I actually like their cover almost as much. Check out this song live at Musikladen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZEGx2dcpMY (even funnier is the comments left on this video regarding RHCP vs Stevie. Some people have way too much spare time.

I couldn't get away with a list like this without mentioning a Led Zeppelin track and through careful personal deliberation (arguments between voices in my head...he he he), I think Kashmir has just edged out The Immigrant Song and Black Dog (the latter lost simply because of the one damn spot where they try to squeeze too many notes into a bar) . Why does Zeppelin get a mention? Five words: Jimmy Page is a God! Robert Plant's vocals are quite subdued for a change but I think it suits that slow bubbling riff that pulsates through the song. This song is 8 and a half minutes long but I'm never bored for a second in this song. There's no attempt to overdo anything which is what I think makes the song. However, Kashmir has one failing point - that Jimmy Page could endorse or even worse, participate in Puff Daddy's ripoff for the Godzilla soundtrack. Why change an already killer song? One of Lori's friends apparently said they thought that Come With Me was the better version. What???? Sacrilege!

Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On. Well, what can I say? What a sexy song! You can be the most cynical person on earth (ie me) and still get a little hot under the collar over this song. Although nowadays, when I hear this song, I think of Jack Black's gyrating rendition in High Fidelity which can be a bit turnoff, albeit hilarious! lol. Marvin Gaye's vocals are ON THE MARK in this song - what a voice! And although it's not a musically complex song (unlike Can I Get A Witness which was, I'm sure, used later in the Sesame street theme...sing it with me.....Sunny day...sweeping the clouds away.....), I think it's one of those timeless songs you save for that special moment (see, I can be a romantic at times. Just don't expect it all the time!)

In a similar vein, the reverend himself Al Green, one of the true saviours of soul, has many songs I could say could make my list. After all, how can you not want to smile at Let's Stay Together. And Take Me To The River is a classic. But my fave is not a big hit. It's Give It Everything. I heard this song many years ago on the soundtrack to The Truth About Cats And Dogs and fell in love with it like I did with most Al Green tracks. It's a really cute little groove with some great horn interludes and backing vocals. Again, a sweet little romantic song about someone deserving their heart's desire and not being halfhearted about love. It's just adorable, in grand Al Green style.

And now for a real cringe-worthy sentimental addition. Does anyone remember Health Hustle?! Anyone over the age of 25 would have done it and some primary schools still do it, I'm sure. It was this primary school program that had its heyday in the 80s that was like an aerobics work out for school kids. Well, my primary school did it and one of the songs I always remember from that was Run To Paradise by The Choirboys. Yeah, I know, its cheesy and embarrassing to admit and I'm sure that the Choirboys had at least one mullet amongst them but there's just that moment when I hear this happy little song that reminds me of one of the only good memories of school for me. And it makes me wanna sing at the top of my lungs. And you know what....these guys are still going!

One song, although probably not even close to the greatest James Brown son, stands out for me as my novelty favourite and that's Get Up Offa That Thing (although War - What Is It Good For is a crack up!). It's funny that this was a song used in Sister Act II by Whoopi to generate enthusiasm cos that's exactly what it does to me. Again, a really funky tune with some great horn interjections and one hell of a bass line! It really does make you wanna get up offa that thing and release that pressure. And you know what? A band like this is one of the few that I would have a remote chance of being involved in. (bless soul bands!). Although I doubt it would involve the Godfather of Soul. lol.

I couldn't get through a list like this without mentioning Madness as they are an all-time sentimental favourite from childhood. And the very song I've chosen is one I remember because of the Young Ones that we watched as kids. The episode was 'Sick' (the disgusting one where Neil sneezes buckets of snot into a garbage bag that is nailed to his head - ugh!). Madness made an appearance in a street riot, performing this song - Our House. (Sorry to disappoint all of you who thought it was gonna be Baggy Trousers). I love Baggy Trousers, House of Fun and Wings Of A Dove but Our House had such a big sound (complete with car noises) because of the huge horn section, strings and that pulsating piano. It's typical Madness hysteria, has amusing, almost childlike lyrics and the speed at which Suggs sings the lyrics in the bridge is fantastic. This song reminds me of the movie The Castle - has the same sentiment behind it. It's true kookiness that, although I love them, beats out The Stranglers.

Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones is an indication of the competition between the Stones and The Beatles at the time. Just when John Lennon was introducing sitars to the Beatles' instrumentation, Jagger jumped on the bandwagon and produced this. And is it great or what? One of the more atmospheric songs of the 60s, it was a rarity when a pop song used a tonality like this (almost sounds like it follows an Indian Raga scale) but because of the pulsing rhythmic drive and great doubling of voice and guitars/sitar, it was a hit and remains that way. For those who prefer lighter pop, Vanessa Carlton does a pretty ordinary version of it with little of the atmosphere that makes the original great.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE IN A LATER POST.....

Additions to the list from Van Morrison, Antonio Carlos Jobim, The Beatles, Otis Redding, Tori Amos, Sarah McLachlan, Michael Jackson and Sting.

The Myth Of Fingerprints

Before work on Monday, I was looking for an emergency summer shirt (stupid me thought that it was a smart idea to wear a jumper with nothing underneath on a 35 degree day) and I discovered this interesting phenomena. I was browsing the clothes racks in some random store in the mall and I turned around to see these three girls doing the same. One was in her early teens, the others in their late teens or early twenties. They weren't together but curiously, they were dressed almost identically - I mean, aside from the colour of their similarly stripy t-shirts, identically cut jeans and 'girlie thongs', their clothes were like duplicate copies. Their hair was all tied back in the same fashion with the same dyed streaks through it and they all had dangly earrings, presumably bought from a cheap jewellery store like diva. I actually smiled at the doppelganger effect I was seeing here but then, I got a shock. I looked down at myself.

Aside from a small work-related alterations, I was essentially dressed the same too and the rack I was browsing through was stripy-shirt-central. I was horrified at my inadvertent attempt to conform. I quickly got out of there and headed for the nearest plain black top I could find to 'cleanse' myself from this evil.

I realised that from all areas of basic living, we're all following the leader...and we don't even know who that leader is - Dewey Finn in School of Rock would probably call it 'the man'. I see this a lot at school - kids dressing the same, speaking the same, even their hand writing is the same. I have students wanting to learn the not-so-great tunes of the most popular music act of the day (and I use the term 'music' lightly). I can tell you now, "Wolfmother for Clarinet" is not exactly what I would call quality musical literature. The new Year 8s for next year were asked what their fave music was - their answers were indescribably predictable: Rihanna, Beyonce, Pussycat Dolls for the girls; Wolfmother, Blink 182, Panic! At the Disco for the boys.

Even watching Australian Idol from year to year, we see that cliched 'golden boy' or pretty young diva excel throughout the competition, only to be ousted by the underdog. The kooky looking Guy won over the 'ever popular with girls' Shannon Noll; the overweight 16 yr old Casey Donovan beat out the popular (although Hobbit related) Anthony Callea. And lets not forget the balding Irish crooner with bad teeth Damien Leith beating the power singing pretty girl Jess for this year's title. Now, some will say this is an indication that people won't always vote for the coolest or better looking contestant but the results are becoming predictable. I think it's become conformist to make sure the underdog wins. I'm just as guilty as the rest of the population on this one.

Over the mountain, down in the valley,
Lives a former talk show host
Everybody knows his name.
He says there's no doubt about it...
It was the myth of fingerprints
I've seen them all and man,
They're all the same.

Paul Simon


We see people, like sheep, follow patterns of others in trends towards occupations (I read somewhere that enrolments in university Forensic Chemistry courses have increased because of CSI and Bones), trends towards pastimes (dancing classes have had surges in memberships in the US because of 'So You Think You Can Dance'). Sushi, freshly made juice and 'made as you order' noodle boxes have taken on the high fashion stakes of the food world. And of course, lets not forget the just plain scary trend of playing 'follow the leader' in politics. Could this explain the inability for our country to embrace and accept a change in government.

What I have found the most amusing about fashions and fads is that some assertive joker thought it would be funny to tell the Aussie public that mullets were a GOOD idea to bring back and managed to get these SHEEP to embrace possibly the worst fashion trend ever! All it takes is for one person to tell someone something is worth doing and its a hit.

NICKY'S PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION!

So here's my plan. I'm persuasive. I can talk a coffee table's legs off. I think I'm going to experiment with this.

First I'll hit the clothing stores (maybe small time in Rundle Mall to begin with) and convince the Australian public that stone wash jeans with elastic waistbands are the fashion trend of the future - coupling this with Blundstones and off the shoulder tank tops. Or maybe poodle skirts could replace the Boho look. I could tell hairdressers that the skunk look is coming back - I'm sure they could get at least ONE 14yr old to give themselves black and white stripes over a permed fringe. I'm sure I could also attempt to convince fashion magazines that vomit colour is the new black.

Next I'll hit the radio stations and convince them that Leo Sayer is the comeback of the century and that they should play 'You Make Me Feel Like Dancing' ad nauseum on Nova 91.9. Or failing that, Julio Eglesias or Kamahl will do as an alternative.

Then I'll go to all the major TV networks to pitch my television pilot "Dumpers", a show about a group of twenty something public toilet cleaners. After its first hit season, let's just see how many people decide that their dream career isn't medicine or law but they wish to pursue an occupation in the 'sanitary arts'.

I could convince Hollywood viewing audiences waiting noisily on the side of the Oscars red carpet parade that the new 'it' girl is some decrepit old fogey not fit enough to star in 'Upstairs Downstairs 2: The Final Revenge'. Bugger all the Scarlet Johannsens, and Keira Knightleys of this world. Let's bring back Kathy Bates and Sissy Spacek and Kirsty Alley to the front page of FHM.

And finally, my last stop will be the bars and clubs of Adelaide where I'll launch my new mixed drink - Colitis: a combination of baileys, Stout and tomato juice. We could market it as the new Manhattan. All we'd need to do is get Sarah Jessica Parker to endorse it and it's a binge drinking hit!

I'm starting to a little 'megalomaniacal' under the collar....

VOTE 1: Nicky.....to take over our Pied Piper world.