I was watching a re-run of the Simpsons episode where Bart calls that Australian kid and reverse charges the phone call, and I was baffled at just how bad Americans are at imitating the Australian voice, considering that there are really quite simple ways of handling our lingo. So I have decided that Americans need an instructional video on how to talk Aussie. Cos clearly the subtleties of Kath and Kim and The Castle have gone right over most people's heads. But money being a little scarce, I thought I'd start with a blog entry. So here goes......
1. 80-90% of vowel sounds must be dropped from your words. Even the cliched Australian greeting has vowels dropped (G'day). In ordah to tork Straiyun, laziness is tha key. ie to greet someone, you should say 'how's it gahn?' Furthermore, any vowels that are still used must be spoken through the nose in a bagpipe-like nasal drone, particularly the 'ay' or 'eye' sounds. Names such as Kylie and Wayne should be whined and each vowel sound should be slid up to, Kath and Kim style.
2. Any male name has to be lengthened or shortened by adding a vowel to the end ie. Robbo, Simmo, Macca, Johnno. Even our nationality has been altered (Aussie or Oz). Any name containing an 'r' has to be converted to a 'z'. ie. Baz, Dazza, Loz (sorry Godzilla), Shaz. Names must be spelt in the most ridiculous way possible, especially if you live in the outer Northern or outer Southern suburbs (ie Ambuh, Ky-leigh, Ahmanduh, Britta-knee)
3. Sentences shouldn't be completed, wherever possible. For example, "The lecture was boring as". When in doubt, construct sentences using words not even found in the dictionary (ie Strewth, Grouse, Drongo).
4. Be as vulgar with words and toilet humour as you can. For example, to describe a rather stocky woman, you should say 'she was built like a brick shithouse'. Or to denote going to do a 'number 2', you should say 'I'm going to give birth to a big brown baby boy'. Describe anything you don't like as being 'shitty' or 'crappy' or any other word that describes faeces. In agreeing with someone, the correct terms should be 'f**k, yeah!' or 'yeah, no shit!'. Always refer to your friends in the most degrading way possible, calling them revolting names wherever possible. D**khead, W**ker and other insulting names should be their regular nicknames.
Experiment with the lingo. Part 2 of this lecture is coming soon....
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
My brain is slowly rotting....
I am a self-confessed reality TV freak. And it's really not a good thing. In fact, I think I watch too much tv in general. I was watching the game show 'The Rich List' the other day and I realised that I know too much about TV when I could name more than 10 Muppets. And I knew at least 15 Tom Cruise movies (and I don't even LIKE Tom Cruise - now if it was Kevin Bacon.......) and I shudder to think whatever other silver screen related category I'm gonna clean up in. I should go on this show....I could use $250,000. Bugger the partner you're supposed to have, I could do it solo. I digress....
Reality tv is my weakest area. I realised that aside from game shows, the shows I watch the most are reality ones. (Although this could do with the fact that there is a conspiracy created by Channel 10 to stop me from being able to watch House by putting it on band night...they must know that I have an unprogrammable VCR).
I have recently become addicted to 'So You Think You Can Dance'. And through watching it, I've started to think that maybe I just like these shows because I can live vicariously through the people I'm watching on the box. Cos they all follow a pattern - singing (Australian Idol - although Lee Harding doesn't count in that category), dancing (So You Think You Can Dance), dating people (The Bachelor), communicating and co-operating with family in a stressful environment (The Amazing Race) being able to do more than one pushup (The Biggest Loser). All things that I can't do.
Of course, Big Brother doesn't factor into this list. Why? Because even I can walk around the house wearing nothing but a belt and talk incessantly about graphic sex with total strangers. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to be a Big Brother contestant. In fact, if you WERE a rocket scientist, you wouldn't even get ON the show. There's an IQ limitation.
I just think it's laziness on my part. I figure I don't have to actually learn how to dance or sing or exercise or socialise with others when I can just watch other people doing it on TV. And that can't be healthy. Because sitting on my ass watching The Bachelor and seeing some chick say 'she's in love' with a slimy guy she's known for a mere few weeks and me actually getting weepy is just a little bit pathetic.
In fact, I think I should stop watching TV altogether. Because I'm entirely too involved in the evil that is Quizmania (does anyone else want to punch Hotdogs as much as me?). I know people that are becoming increasingly more violent the longer that piece of rubbish is on.
And I'm starting to harbour unhealthy thoughts about what I would like to do to shut up the chick with the freaky veins on her neck on the Caffe Primo ad. By the way, did anyone know that she is actually a 36ers cheerleader? ANNOUNCEMENT: Does anyone want to go to the basketball with me so I can egg her? I hate how she says "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Well, I don't know....if she's thinking that she would like to fall head first into a pile of orangutang faeces, then yeah! And as for the "throw a few more prawns on that" comment, don't even get me started. There were TWO F-ing prawns on the plate before she said that, the stingy bastards!
Yep, I think I should take leave from TV for a while. Although what would I do without Dr Karl Kennedy or the coppers at Sun Hill or the awe-inspiring smoulder of Michael Vartan in Alias....or Bert's bad jokes on Family Feud (BRING BACK ROB!) or that hilarious Carlton Cold ad where the chubby bloke does the Flashdance imitation...he he he... or the crazy capers of that yellow, four-fingered family..........
Oh shit, I really am pathetic.....
Reality tv is my weakest area. I realised that aside from game shows, the shows I watch the most are reality ones. (Although this could do with the fact that there is a conspiracy created by Channel 10 to stop me from being able to watch House by putting it on band night...they must know that I have an unprogrammable VCR).
I have recently become addicted to 'So You Think You Can Dance'. And through watching it, I've started to think that maybe I just like these shows because I can live vicariously through the people I'm watching on the box. Cos they all follow a pattern - singing (Australian Idol - although Lee Harding doesn't count in that category), dancing (So You Think You Can Dance), dating people (The Bachelor), communicating and co-operating with family in a stressful environment (The Amazing Race) being able to do more than one pushup (The Biggest Loser). All things that I can't do.
Of course, Big Brother doesn't factor into this list. Why? Because even I can walk around the house wearing nothing but a belt and talk incessantly about graphic sex with total strangers. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to be a Big Brother contestant. In fact, if you WERE a rocket scientist, you wouldn't even get ON the show. There's an IQ limitation.
I just think it's laziness on my part. I figure I don't have to actually learn how to dance or sing or exercise or socialise with others when I can just watch other people doing it on TV. And that can't be healthy. Because sitting on my ass watching The Bachelor and seeing some chick say 'she's in love' with a slimy guy she's known for a mere few weeks and me actually getting weepy is just a little bit pathetic.
In fact, I think I should stop watching TV altogether. Because I'm entirely too involved in the evil that is Quizmania (does anyone else want to punch Hotdogs as much as me?). I know people that are becoming increasingly more violent the longer that piece of rubbish is on.
And I'm starting to harbour unhealthy thoughts about what I would like to do to shut up the chick with the freaky veins on her neck on the Caffe Primo ad. By the way, did anyone know that she is actually a 36ers cheerleader? ANNOUNCEMENT: Does anyone want to go to the basketball with me so I can egg her? I hate how she says "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Well, I don't know....if she's thinking that she would like to fall head first into a pile of orangutang faeces, then yeah! And as for the "throw a few more prawns on that" comment, don't even get me started. There were TWO F-ing prawns on the plate before she said that, the stingy bastards!
Yep, I think I should take leave from TV for a while. Although what would I do without Dr Karl Kennedy or the coppers at Sun Hill or the awe-inspiring smoulder of Michael Vartan in Alias....or Bert's bad jokes on Family Feud (BRING BACK ROB!) or that hilarious Carlton Cold ad where the chubby bloke does the Flashdance imitation...he he he... or the crazy capers of that yellow, four-fingered family..........
Oh shit, I really am pathetic.....
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Drive how you want - they've got brakes!
How to drive South Australian
1. Leave it as late as possible to brake when approaching a stop sign or red light. If you have ABS, relish in the foot massage you get. If you don't have ABS, you get to stretch your legs whilst simultaneous revelling in the joy of watching the fear on the face of the person in the car in front as you miss them by just a couple of centimetres. It works even better if your tyres are bald and you need new brake pads or a top up on the brake fluid.
2. Go around the corner as quickly as possible. If your tyres don't squeal, you're just not putting enough effort in. Always try to sneak in BEFORE the pedestrians get to you if turning left across a pedestrian crossing. Pedestrians can stop easier than you. Beep them if they try and beat you or edge forward as if you will run them over. Keep those 'think-they're-better-than-you-are' greenies on their toes!
3. Change lanes as often as you can, making sure that you're RIGHT UP THE ASS of the car in front before pulling out into the other lane. Always try and sneak in to a gap that's too small for your car so the person in that lane has to hit their brakes. Give them the bird if they honk you. Always overtake on the left and remember that the speed limit doesn't apply to overtaking.
4. When travelling on a highway or freeway, sit in other cars' blindspots so they will get a shock when they go to change lanes. Speed up when someone tries to change lanes so they have to hit their brakes and move in behind you. Never let anybody into your lane in heavy traffic. Why should you? You were there first.
5. When someone is trying to overtake you on a one-lane highway, wait until they've pulled into the line of oncoming traffic, then speed up so they can't get in front of you. Tailgate them when they are in front of you. You can't afford to waste 0.1 of a second. Also, at night, sit in a position behind another car that makes your headlights shine DIRECTLY into their rear view vision mirror. Don't EVER dip your headlights for oncoming traffic until they've already got the white spots in front of their eyes.
6. Where possible, allow your passenger to take control of the wheel so you can do more important things like talking on your mobile phone, smoking, playing with your car stereo, eating a burger or applying makeup. As long as they hold the wheel steady, you can even turn and talk to your backseat passengers. Too much time is spent travelling to waste time.
7. The speed limit is just a suggestion. If there is no sign, assume you can go as fast as you want.
8. Work your absolute hardest to block off the only lanes available when you hear an emergency vehicle. It's quite entertaining to watch a big-ass fire engine drive on the nature strip. Although, it is quite okay to have your car stereo's sub woofers pumping so hard, you couldn't possibly hear the sirens in the first place...so how were you to know they were there? Huh, HUH????!!!
9. Only indicate to change lanes or turn with a single flash. If the other driver blinked and missed it, they weren't paying enough attention. Teach them a lesson by suddenly stopping. Take as LONG AS YOU WANT to turn into a side street and never get close to the gutter when you turn left. Leave as little room as possible for the car travelling behind you to go around you. In fact, make a last minute decision NOT to turn so that you teach those people a lesson....impatient bastards!
10. When anybody uses their horn as a warning signal, I would recommend getting your passenger to hold the wheel while you give them the 'one finger salute'. In fact, the 'one finger salute' can be applied anywhere on South Australian roads. It is, after all, tradition.
Happy driving!
Monday, January 08, 2007
Planning ahead...
I've decided that since I don't really have a will (cos I figure, you should actually own something valuable to have a will), I'll just tell everyone what I want at my funeral on this blog.
Music: 1. Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead - the Wizard of Oz munchkins (absolutely essential!)
2. If There's A Hell Below (We're All Going To It) - Curtis Mayfield
3. The Pretty Things Are Going To Hell - David Bowie
4. Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
5. Sex Machine - James Brown
6. You Make Me Sick - Pink
7. Closer - Nine Inch Nails
8. Anything off Antichrist Superstar - Marilyn Manson
**Note: Numbers two, three, seven and eight are particularly important... just in case my family lose their minds and put my funeral in a church***
During the service, I want a slide show that isn't a puke-inducing sentimental montage of me but instead, I want a screening of Degrassi, preferably the episode where Caitlin thinks she's a lesbian. **Again, this is particularly important if the service is in a church**
I want goodie bags given out at the door at the end of the service with all of my meagre possessions (ie. balls of hair out of my hairbrush, old cotton buds, used floss...that kind of thing....). Also, I think a jumping castle at the front would be a nice touch. However, that doesn't mean I want children at the funeral. There would be nothing more annoying than a child screaming and kicking the back of someone's seat and not be able to get out of the coffin to punch them in the head....
Instead of the obligatory coffee & biscuits wake, I want a pub crawl. They could just put my coffin on wheels and bring me with them. Then, of course, they'd have a portable table as well on which to sit their drinks. But don't forget to use a coaster. I might want that someone special to re-sell the coffin on ebay and don't want damn beer stains.
After the pubcrawl, I want to be taken to a taxidermist and stuffed. Then I want someone to put me on the doorstep of my current worst enemy, ring the doorbell and run away.
Don't forget to bring your cameras.
Music: 1. Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead - the Wizard of Oz munchkins (absolutely essential!)
2. If There's A Hell Below (We're All Going To It) - Curtis Mayfield
3. The Pretty Things Are Going To Hell - David Bowie
4. Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
5. Sex Machine - James Brown
6. You Make Me Sick - Pink
7. Closer - Nine Inch Nails
8. Anything off Antichrist Superstar - Marilyn Manson
**Note: Numbers two, three, seven and eight are particularly important... just in case my family lose their minds and put my funeral in a church***
During the service, I want a slide show that isn't a puke-inducing sentimental montage of me but instead, I want a screening of Degrassi, preferably the episode where Caitlin thinks she's a lesbian. **Again, this is particularly important if the service is in a church**
I want goodie bags given out at the door at the end of the service with all of my meagre possessions (ie. balls of hair out of my hairbrush, old cotton buds, used floss...that kind of thing....). Also, I think a jumping castle at the front would be a nice touch. However, that doesn't mean I want children at the funeral. There would be nothing more annoying than a child screaming and kicking the back of someone's seat and not be able to get out of the coffin to punch them in the head....
Instead of the obligatory coffee & biscuits wake, I want a pub crawl. They could just put my coffin on wheels and bring me with them. Then, of course, they'd have a portable table as well on which to sit their drinks. But don't forget to use a coaster. I might want that someone special to re-sell the coffin on ebay and don't want damn beer stains.
After the pubcrawl, I want to be taken to a taxidermist and stuffed. Then I want someone to put me on the doorstep of my current worst enemy, ring the doorbell and run away.
Don't forget to bring your cameras.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Devils in baby blue jumpsuits
You know, I'm starting to think I'm evil.
I was in the park having a picnic today for Mum's birthday and there was this group of people playing cricket about 50m from us. And because Mum's friends are shit boring and I was the only one there younger than 55, I was watching the other people who seemed to be having much more fun than me (damn them all to hell! lol).
There was this little kid there that must have been about two with a plastic kiddie cricket bat and a twenty-something guy (who was a bit alright, I might add, not that I was noticing or anything) who was bowling down to this kid. And the older guy threw it a little too hard and the kid missed it and the ball hit the stumps. And you know what I thought? I was thinking, "DAMN IT, it missed that kid's head".
I am so evil. I really don't like children, do I?! I thought it was something I would grow out of. But it clearly isn't. Cos at my age, usually girls are hearing that incessant 'tick tock tick tock' and trying to snag any poor bloke with workable tackle to help them fulfil their parental dream. But not me. A friend said to me the other day 'Children is what you do when you've done absolutely everything you've ever wanted to do and your life is over.' A piece of wisdom if ever I heard it.
And yet, I love those damn kids at the school. I have absolutely no problem teaching very newly pubescent teenage kids how to play the clarinet - in fact, I kinda look forward to it lately - but I can't stand children clinging on to my legs at the dinner table at Xmas or asking me to read them the same bloody picture book a thousand times. I got subjected to my 6 year old cousin asking me to do the word find in the newspaper with her for 3 HOURS! She sat on my lap, the little heavyweight, and would not move until we'd found every bleeding word in the damn thing. For anyone else, this would be a touching moment of bonding with family. For me, it was Nightmare on Elm Street VIII.
My mum's family in Tassie think my lack of maternal instinct is selfishness. They think it's that I refuse to dedicate myself to another human being. And I object to that. Cos if I'm thinking, "I wish a cricket ball had hit a kid in the noggin", can you IMAGINE what I would be like if I had a kid drawing on my newly painted walls with crayon or eating my bleach under the sink or using my shiny baby tenor saxophone Stan (yes, he has a name!) as a baseball bat?!
I think I'm doing the world a favour.
I was in the park having a picnic today for Mum's birthday and there was this group of people playing cricket about 50m from us. And because Mum's friends are shit boring and I was the only one there younger than 55, I was watching the other people who seemed to be having much more fun than me (damn them all to hell! lol).
There was this little kid there that must have been about two with a plastic kiddie cricket bat and a twenty-something guy (who was a bit alright, I might add, not that I was noticing or anything) who was bowling down to this kid. And the older guy threw it a little too hard and the kid missed it and the ball hit the stumps. And you know what I thought? I was thinking, "DAMN IT, it missed that kid's head".
I am so evil. I really don't like children, do I?! I thought it was something I would grow out of. But it clearly isn't. Cos at my age, usually girls are hearing that incessant 'tick tock tick tock' and trying to snag any poor bloke with workable tackle to help them fulfil their parental dream. But not me. A friend said to me the other day 'Children is what you do when you've done absolutely everything you've ever wanted to do and your life is over.' A piece of wisdom if ever I heard it.
And yet, I love those damn kids at the school. I have absolutely no problem teaching very newly pubescent teenage kids how to play the clarinet - in fact, I kinda look forward to it lately - but I can't stand children clinging on to my legs at the dinner table at Xmas or asking me to read them the same bloody picture book a thousand times. I got subjected to my 6 year old cousin asking me to do the word find in the newspaper with her for 3 HOURS! She sat on my lap, the little heavyweight, and would not move until we'd found every bleeding word in the damn thing. For anyone else, this would be a touching moment of bonding with family. For me, it was Nightmare on Elm Street VIII.
My mum's family in Tassie think my lack of maternal instinct is selfishness. They think it's that I refuse to dedicate myself to another human being. And I object to that. Cos if I'm thinking, "I wish a cricket ball had hit a kid in the noggin", can you IMAGINE what I would be like if I had a kid drawing on my newly painted walls with crayon or eating my bleach under the sink or using my shiny baby tenor saxophone Stan (yes, he has a name!) as a baseball bat?!
I think I'm doing the world a favour.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Finish these sentences.....
1. Last time someone hurt me... I told them that one day they were going to really miss their balls.
2. My last disappointment was... finding out that Degrassi High was not available in full DVD box set yet.
3. Internet ads... piss me off, esp when they pop up and you have to click on the little cross to make it go away but it's fake and it links you to their stupid site where they put a friggin cookie on my computer or a virus......I'm running out of breath in this rant!
4. I think MySpace... is a word that should be TWO words.
5. My most prized possession is.... my FHM word fridge magnets (hours of endless fun), my collection of old toenail clippings and the Degrassi Junior High 3 season box set. :)
6. If I could stab someone in the throat, it would be... ELMO!
7. One thing I wish I could do is... hug some random person at the airport as they come through the arrivals gate and pretend that I know them. You know, pinch their cheeks and stuff. And have someone film it and make it a hit TV show that rivals Punk'd.
8. But I equally wish I could... get out of not having to call the tennis people to tell them that I can't work for them anymore cos I'm friggin dreading it!
9. My favorite kinds of surveys are... the ones where I don't have to reveal anything. I have to maintain some sense of mystery and distance....
10. The first pet I ever had was... Matt. Does he count?
11. Gosh, I am SO... sick of turning on the TV and seeing some stupid braindead chick hosting a no-brainer midnight game show where they TELL the audience the answer but still don't get anyone answering it correctly. How dumb are people in other states??????
12. Yesterday was... the day before today.
13. I want to kiss... my arm in practice in front of the mirror for the real thing!
14. I want to hug... someone sexy who doesn't smell.
15. This is because... I need to give a reason??? Where have you been living? Under a rock???
16. This survey is SOOO... numerical.
17. Where is.... my mother? I'm hungry. FEED ME!!!!!!! I don't have any food in my fridge.
18. I don't want to... sit next to big smelly people who push me up against the glass on the bus.
19. Right now would be a good time to... crochet doilies. Why not?
20. I can't go anywhere now cos.... a crocodile ate both my legs and now they're just bloody stumps. And that's just too embarrassing. Blood clashes with my fuchsia skirt!
21. My lucky number is... any combination of numbers that wins me 1 million buckaroonies.
22. I don't like.... that stupid chick from the Cafe Primo ad. "Throw a few more prawns on that...." - well of course they should. There were only two on there. Her grin just makes me wanna dye her teeth yellow!
23. If I could hang out with anyone in the whole world right now, I would hang out with... my washing. If someone hangs on my ankles, I might get a little taller.
24. Because... I'm sick of being called a 'walking head'.
25. I miss.... the bus everytime I walk out the house to go anywhere. I don't run for it cos I dread the day someone will yell out 'Run Forrest Run!' like I used to do to pubescent teenage boys when I was an evil high schooler.
26. I want... John Howard to be filmed having a deep and meaningful conversation with a garden gnome - picking on someone his own size.
27. I deserve... to be locked up in padded cell no 3. I've been out too long.
28. I enjoy... torturing small children.
29. Something that really annoys me is... how someone doesn't put a White Pointer Shark in the pool at the Big Brother house.
30. I can't STAND... cos I have no legs...I told you. Geez, you have a short memory!
31. My favorite aisle at the store is... the one where there's the lady on the corner giving away free tastings! It's my only chance for a meal!
32. Someone who has really made a difference in my life is... Yoda. He was full of wisdom and you have to love someone who says "Judge me by my size, do you not?". Respect!
33. Other people have too... much time on their hands to create useless bollocks postings on blogs like this! :)
34. I want to... run through the halls in my high school...I wanna scream at the top of my lungs....oh hang on, that's a song isn't it?
35. When I say goodbye, I usually... frisk em.
2. My last disappointment was... finding out that Degrassi High was not available in full DVD box set yet.
3. Internet ads... piss me off, esp when they pop up and you have to click on the little cross to make it go away but it's fake and it links you to their stupid site where they put a friggin cookie on my computer or a virus......I'm running out of breath in this rant!
4. I think MySpace... is a word that should be TWO words.
5. My most prized possession is.... my FHM word fridge magnets (hours of endless fun), my collection of old toenail clippings and the Degrassi Junior High 3 season box set. :)
6. If I could stab someone in the throat, it would be... ELMO!
7. One thing I wish I could do is... hug some random person at the airport as they come through the arrivals gate and pretend that I know them. You know, pinch their cheeks and stuff. And have someone film it and make it a hit TV show that rivals Punk'd.
8. But I equally wish I could... get out of not having to call the tennis people to tell them that I can't work for them anymore cos I'm friggin dreading it!
9. My favorite kinds of surveys are... the ones where I don't have to reveal anything. I have to maintain some sense of mystery and distance....
10. The first pet I ever had was... Matt. Does he count?
11. Gosh, I am SO... sick of turning on the TV and seeing some stupid braindead chick hosting a no-brainer midnight game show where they TELL the audience the answer but still don't get anyone answering it correctly. How dumb are people in other states??????
12. Yesterday was... the day before today.
13. I want to kiss... my arm in practice in front of the mirror for the real thing!
14. I want to hug... someone sexy who doesn't smell.
15. This is because... I need to give a reason??? Where have you been living? Under a rock???
16. This survey is SOOO... numerical.
17. Where is.... my mother? I'm hungry. FEED ME!!!!!!! I don't have any food in my fridge.
18. I don't want to... sit next to big smelly people who push me up against the glass on the bus.
19. Right now would be a good time to... crochet doilies. Why not?
20. I can't go anywhere now cos.... a crocodile ate both my legs and now they're just bloody stumps. And that's just too embarrassing. Blood clashes with my fuchsia skirt!
21. My lucky number is... any combination of numbers that wins me 1 million buckaroonies.
22. I don't like.... that stupid chick from the Cafe Primo ad. "Throw a few more prawns on that...." - well of course they should. There were only two on there. Her grin just makes me wanna dye her teeth yellow!
23. If I could hang out with anyone in the whole world right now, I would hang out with... my washing. If someone hangs on my ankles, I might get a little taller.
24. Because... I'm sick of being called a 'walking head'.
25. I miss.... the bus everytime I walk out the house to go anywhere. I don't run for it cos I dread the day someone will yell out 'Run Forrest Run!' like I used to do to pubescent teenage boys when I was an evil high schooler.
26. I want... John Howard to be filmed having a deep and meaningful conversation with a garden gnome - picking on someone his own size.
27. I deserve... to be locked up in padded cell no 3. I've been out too long.
28. I enjoy... torturing small children.
29. Something that really annoys me is... how someone doesn't put a White Pointer Shark in the pool at the Big Brother house.
30. I can't STAND... cos I have no legs...I told you. Geez, you have a short memory!
31. My favorite aisle at the store is... the one where there's the lady on the corner giving away free tastings! It's my only chance for a meal!
32. Someone who has really made a difference in my life is... Yoda. He was full of wisdom and you have to love someone who says "Judge me by my size, do you not?". Respect!
33. Other people have too... much time on their hands to create useless bollocks postings on blogs like this! :)
34. I want to... run through the halls in my high school...I wanna scream at the top of my lungs....oh hang on, that's a song isn't it?
35. When I say goodbye, I usually... frisk em.
Stupid survey
10 Years Ago...December 1996
How old were you?
18
Where did you go to school?
Adelaide
Where did you work?
I didn't. If I'd had a job, I would have failed Year 12 - for the second year running.
Where did you live?
At Mum's in Ye Olde Boganville Findon
Where did you hang out?
In Southern Cross arcade where the owner of the health food store used to give us free coffee (ironic huh?), I also hung out at gigs that Reckoning did and all that jazz....
What was your hairstyle?
Long. Pretty much the same as now, only natural colour
Did you wear glasses?
No. Have perfect eyesight.
Who was your regular-person crush?
Then, I wasn't really interested in anyone. Was still reeling over the mistake that was Ben Davis. Lol.
How many tattoos did you have?
None. I am too chicken.
How many piercings did you have?
One in each ear. Again, I'm a wuss.
What car did you drive?
Bah, didn't drive. I was too lazy to get off my Ls. I didn't get my Ps till I was 21.
What was your favorite band/group?
I don't even remember. I know I was listening to the Smashing Pumpkins...a lot.
What was your worst fear?
Spiders. And being made to hang out with Ben Davis.
Had you driven yet?
Yes. Didn't have a licence but had driven Dad's mini moke & he'd tried to teach me how to drive his van. He never tried again. He he...
Had you been to a real party yet?
Oh yeah, baby! Our high school formal after-party kicked ass!
Had your heart broken?
Yeah. I guess. It's all water under the bridge....
Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
I was single at that point....
5 Years Ago...December 2001
How old were you?
23
Where did you go to school?
I wasn't at school. I finished my degree in 2000 and I was working at that awful bloody transport company, selling my soul for a few bucks.
Where did you work?
See above....
Where did you live?
Mum's still.
Where did you hang out?
I floated around a lot. I think that was in the stage where I was going out to bars EVERYWHERE and hanging out at Spanner's after band until 4am (then going to work at 7am!)
How was your hair style?
A little shorter and a funny maroon-y red colour.
Did you wear glasses?
No.
Who was your regular-person crush?
Matt. We'd been together for a while at that point...
How many tattoos did you have?
None. Still a chicken.
How many piercings did you have?
Just the one in each ear still. I was still a wuss.
What car did you drive?
Oh, how I miss you, little red Holden Apollo.....
What was your favorite band/group?
This was at the point where I was listening to bloody everything but I was starting to get heavily into neo-swing, funk and jazz (even moreso than before).
What was your worst fear?
That I would lose the ones I loved.
Had you been to a real party yet?
I was friends with Matt, Marie-Ann (the tequila pisshead!) and Jonathon. What do you THINK is the answer to that question?!
Had your heart broken?
Um, yeah, but it wasn't relevant at that point. Again, water under the bridge.
Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
Taken.
Now...December 2006
How old are you?
28
Where do you work?
At a school. Won't divulge the name for security reasons but I love it there. Love the kids, the staff... :)
Where do you hang out?
At jazz gigs, at the Uni bar on rare occasions but often at pubs like The Austral etc and at dinner...
How is your hair style?
Very long at the moment, needs a cut and is about twenty five different colours all melted into one. I'm going for the sexy shaggy look. lol..
Do you wear glasses?
No. My eyesight's still great.
Do you talk to your old friends?
A few. Um, still friends with a few from school (in fact, some are my closest friends) and I love all the people I met in the first degree (even though I didn't actually study with them) so yeah, that's a yes.
How many piercings do you have?
Still one in each ear. Don't really want anymore.
How many tattoos?
None, but I think I want a music symbol or something. I've become brave in my old age.
What kind of car do you have?
A non-running 1980 3 litre diesel Mercedes Benz of the baby poo yellow persuasion.
What is your favorite band/group?
I don't have a favourite band (although U2 always rates really highly, naturally) but I'm still listening to majorly eclectic range of music incl but not limited to neo-swing (RCR, Cherry Poppin Daddies, Atomic Fireballs), funk and soul (Stevie Wonder, James Brown, Goose, Al Green, Otis Redding, Wilson Pickett, Curtis Mayfield, Chuck Brown), jazz (Stan Getz, Buddy Rich, Maynard Ferguson, Errol Garner, Dexter Gordon, Coltrane, Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, Benny Goodman, Ella...too many to mention), classic bands (Led Zeppelin, Metallica, Bon Jovi, early RHCP, REM, Toto...hehehe)...... geez this list is going too long. I'll leave it there....
What is your biggest fear?
Losing my loved ones....being rejected and hurt again.
Have you been arrested, if so how many times total?
No.
Has your heart been broken?
I'm healing.... my heart was broken badly several times but I'm okay. Things are looking up.
Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
Why isn't 'hopeful' or 'potential' on the list?
How old were you?
18
Where did you go to school?
Adelaide
Where did you work?
I didn't. If I'd had a job, I would have failed Year 12 - for the second year running.
Where did you live?
At Mum's in Ye Olde Boganville Findon
Where did you hang out?
In Southern Cross arcade where the owner of the health food store used to give us free coffee (ironic huh?), I also hung out at gigs that Reckoning did and all that jazz....
What was your hairstyle?
Long. Pretty much the same as now, only natural colour
Did you wear glasses?
No. Have perfect eyesight.
Who was your regular-person crush?
Then, I wasn't really interested in anyone. Was still reeling over the mistake that was Ben Davis. Lol.
How many tattoos did you have?
None. I am too chicken.
How many piercings did you have?
One in each ear. Again, I'm a wuss.
What car did you drive?
Bah, didn't drive. I was too lazy to get off my Ls. I didn't get my Ps till I was 21.
What was your favorite band/group?
I don't even remember. I know I was listening to the Smashing Pumpkins...a lot.
What was your worst fear?
Spiders. And being made to hang out with Ben Davis.
Had you driven yet?
Yes. Didn't have a licence but had driven Dad's mini moke & he'd tried to teach me how to drive his van. He never tried again. He he...
Had you been to a real party yet?
Oh yeah, baby! Our high school formal after-party kicked ass!
Had your heart broken?
Yeah. I guess. It's all water under the bridge....
Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
I was single at that point....
5 Years Ago...December 2001
How old were you?
23
Where did you go to school?
I wasn't at school. I finished my degree in 2000 and I was working at that awful bloody transport company, selling my soul for a few bucks.
Where did you work?
See above....
Where did you live?
Mum's still.
Where did you hang out?
I floated around a lot. I think that was in the stage where I was going out to bars EVERYWHERE and hanging out at Spanner's after band until 4am (then going to work at 7am!)
How was your hair style?
A little shorter and a funny maroon-y red colour.
Did you wear glasses?
No.
Who was your regular-person crush?
Matt. We'd been together for a while at that point...
How many tattoos did you have?
None. Still a chicken.
How many piercings did you have?
Just the one in each ear still. I was still a wuss.
What car did you drive?
Oh, how I miss you, little red Holden Apollo.....
What was your favorite band/group?
This was at the point where I was listening to bloody everything but I was starting to get heavily into neo-swing, funk and jazz (even moreso than before).
What was your worst fear?
That I would lose the ones I loved.
Had you been to a real party yet?
I was friends with Matt, Marie-Ann (the tequila pisshead!) and Jonathon. What do you THINK is the answer to that question?!
Had your heart broken?
Um, yeah, but it wasn't relevant at that point. Again, water under the bridge.
Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
Taken.
Now...December 2006
How old are you?
28
Where do you work?
At a school. Won't divulge the name for security reasons but I love it there. Love the kids, the staff... :)
Where do you hang out?
At jazz gigs, at the Uni bar on rare occasions but often at pubs like The Austral etc and at dinner...
How is your hair style?
Very long at the moment, needs a cut and is about twenty five different colours all melted into one. I'm going for the sexy shaggy look. lol..
Do you wear glasses?
No. My eyesight's still great.
Do you talk to your old friends?
A few. Um, still friends with a few from school (in fact, some are my closest friends) and I love all the people I met in the first degree (even though I didn't actually study with them) so yeah, that's a yes.
How many piercings do you have?
Still one in each ear. Don't really want anymore.
How many tattoos?
None, but I think I want a music symbol or something. I've become brave in my old age.
What kind of car do you have?
A non-running 1980 3 litre diesel Mercedes Benz of the baby poo yellow persuasion.
What is your favorite band/group?
I don't have a favourite band (although U2 always rates really highly, naturally) but I'm still listening to majorly eclectic range of music incl but not limited to neo-swing (RCR, Cherry Poppin Daddies, Atomic Fireballs), funk and soul (Stevie Wonder, James Brown, Goose, Al Green, Otis Redding, Wilson Pickett, Curtis Mayfield, Chuck Brown), jazz (Stan Getz, Buddy Rich, Maynard Ferguson, Errol Garner, Dexter Gordon, Coltrane, Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, Benny Goodman, Ella...too many to mention), classic bands (Led Zeppelin, Metallica, Bon Jovi, early RHCP, REM, Toto...hehehe)...... geez this list is going too long. I'll leave it there....
What is your biggest fear?
Losing my loved ones....being rejected and hurt again.
Have you been arrested, if so how many times total?
No.
Has your heart been broken?
I'm healing.... my heart was broken badly several times but I'm okay. Things are looking up.
Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter?
Why isn't 'hopeful' or 'potential' on the list?
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
The World Is One Giant Armpit
Okay, so that title has no relevance. But I got your attention, right? right?! Ha ha! Although, if that were true, it would be one smelly, sweaty place... kinda like Queensland! hehehehe
I'd just like to say that after a very interesting, informative discussion on Australia Day with a certain couple of inebriated souls, I think that the standard of game shows in South Australia are appalling. Whatever happened to the Rob Broughs of this world!
ALL HAIL ROB, THE GAME SHOW GOD!
I'm sorry but there are just no good Aussie game shows left. I mean, Bert just doesn't cut it on Family Feud. And as for Larry Emdur's shortlived hosting of Wheel Of Fortune - don't even get me started.... I think I've had enough of his mouthful of teeth to last me a lifetime. What they should have done is got Dicko to host The Price Is Right. Can you imagine that? When someone puts a vacuum cleaner lower than the holiday in the Showcase, he'd be goin' "You dickhead! You have no talent. Why don't you just move to the Nullarbor?". Now that'd be good telly.
Actually this could be a good move.....just give Dicko some Bee Gees teeth and he'll be set.I remember the days of "I Do, I Do", the game show where couples competed to get married on the show in some kitsch set that looked straight out of a Kings Cross brothel. They thought they were actually winning! How can you beat that for pure entertainment? FOOLS!!!! Mwah ha ha ha! Whoever thought up that game show must have had an IQ about the same number as the amount of weeks the show was on air - about 8 weeks.
And don't even start me on the irony that was Catch Phrase. I don't think I ever actually saw a actual catch phrase on that show. Since when is 'Richard Gere' a catch phrase? Hang on, since when is Richard Gere an actor either...
I'm starting a campaign here on Down With Pants to bring back Rob Brough, one that all the curly haired blonde people could relate to... Because Australia needs a good game show and who else could provide it than Rob, the Aussie David Hasselhoff, one big hunk o' Aussie spunk. Ladies beware!
Chants: Bring back Rob! Bring back Rob!
I'd just like to say that after a very interesting, informative discussion on Australia Day with a certain couple of inebriated souls, I think that the standard of game shows in South Australia are appalling. Whatever happened to the Rob Broughs of this world!
ALL HAIL ROB, THE GAME SHOW GOD!
I'm sorry but there are just no good Aussie game shows left. I mean, Bert just doesn't cut it on Family Feud. And as for Larry Emdur's shortlived hosting of Wheel Of Fortune - don't even get me started.... I think I've had enough of his mouthful of teeth to last me a lifetime. What they should have done is got Dicko to host The Price Is Right. Can you imagine that? When someone puts a vacuum cleaner lower than the holiday in the Showcase, he'd be goin' "You dickhead! You have no talent. Why don't you just move to the Nullarbor?". Now that'd be good telly.
Actually this could be a good move.....just give Dicko some Bee Gees teeth and he'll be set.I remember the days of "I Do, I Do", the game show where couples competed to get married on the show in some kitsch set that looked straight out of a Kings Cross brothel. They thought they were actually winning! How can you beat that for pure entertainment? FOOLS!!!! Mwah ha ha ha! Whoever thought up that game show must have had an IQ about the same number as the amount of weeks the show was on air - about 8 weeks.
And don't even start me on the irony that was Catch Phrase. I don't think I ever actually saw a actual catch phrase on that show. Since when is 'Richard Gere' a catch phrase? Hang on, since when is Richard Gere an actor either...
I'm starting a campaign here on Down With Pants to bring back Rob Brough, one that all the curly haired blonde people could relate to... Because Australia needs a good game show and who else could provide it than Rob, the Aussie David Hasselhoff, one big hunk o' Aussie spunk. Ladies beware!
Chants: Bring back Rob! Bring back Rob!
Canadian Melodrama - Is there a better pastime?
BEST PURCHASE EVER!!!!!!!!
A few months ago, I made the best buy ever. What better way than to wile away my sorrows than a piece of 80s Canadian kids soap opera gold?
Seriously, how can you go past Joey Jeremiah and The Zit Remedy "Everybody wants something...they'll never give up...." and how about Wheels? Positively the most unattractive kid on earth - he had it all. Giant square glasses, bad skin, he wore skinny jeans and let's not forget the fabulous mullet! And how can you forget 'All The Way with Stephanie Kaye!'?
Pure and utter genius of children's television! Cos how can you criticise a show that had a 13 year old punk teenage mum, or a kid who tells a girl he likes that her eyes are like 'pimming swools', or girls that wear dresses with the belt or hot pink leggings or shave the top of their head but not the back (ie Liz the animal rights activist)? And a show in which the 'hero' is a cocky little hobbit (he he he...cocky!) chasing after a girl who looked exactly like my brother in the first few seasons? You just can't. It's addictive.
If anybody would like to partake in some filmic genius at some point, be sure to give me a call and me and the Degrassi Gang will be waiting! But for now, some lyrical poetry....
Wake up in the morning, feeling shy and lonely
Gee, I've gotta go to school
I don't think I can make it, don't think I can take it
I wonder what I'm gonna do.
But then I look around and see that someone is smiling right at me
Wait! Someone's talking to me,
Hey, I've got a new friend.
Everybody can succeed, all you need is to believe
Let's be honest with yourself.
Forget your fears and doubts (.....note: pronounced dotes! he he)
Come on give us a try at Degrassi Junior High!
Gee, I've gotta go to school
I don't think I can make it, don't think I can take it
I wonder what I'm gonna do.
But then I look around and see that someone is smiling right at me
Wait! Someone's talking to me,
Hey, I've got a new friend.
Everybody can succeed, all you need is to believe
Let's be honest with yourself.
Forget your fears and doubts (.....note: pronounced dotes! he he)
Come on give us a try at Degrassi Junior High!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon
I am the self-confessed "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" queen. What is this, some of you may ask? Here's the url of the Wikipedia definition: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six_Degrees_of_Kevin_Bacon
The idea is that some guys got this idea that you could link anyone in Hollywood, past or present to Kevin Bacon in 6 moves or less. ie. To link Michelle Pfeiffer to Kevin Bacon, you can go as follows:
Michelle Pfeiffer was in Wolf with Jack Nicolson
Jack Nicolson was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon
Only 2 moves. That constitutes a "Bacon Number" of 2. That's a pretty easy one.
I am the queen. I have been challenged by everyone and have yet to be stumped. Some of the hardest ones have been Clark Gable, Chris Rock and Gerard Depardieu but I have not been challenged successfully yet. And I have never yet used any external source to find my answers. Just my sadly pathetic mind that retains useless knowledge about celebrities.
So bring it on! Challenge me! I could use a real brainer.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Pop on those headphones!
I'd like to share with you a selection of some of my favourite tunes. This is in no way complete, it's a really eclectic mix and is in no particular order. However, everybody who knows me well enough can be assured that Africa is still and always will be my own personal anthem. So with that said, how about I start with that?
The first thing I love about Africa by Toto is the total irony of the whole song. It's a song about Africa in its most magnificent state sung by a bunch of white American boys in the 80s who confessed that they'd never been to Africa and it was a country that held no particular significance for them. They used instruments to create authentic African percussive sounds but none of the instruments came from Africa. But it works. The song has great rhythm, mainly due to the legendary drumming of the late Jeff Porcaro. The lead singer in this song wasn't the normal lead singer, instead the keyboardist stood in on vocals but he also works. The harmonies are catchy & actually quite difficult to sing. I love the cheesiness of the moment they try to squeeze the word Serengeti into a space where the syllables simply DO NOT fit. I get a big cheesy grin on my face when this song comes on and it even got used on a photo dvd for the Fotias that Jane made as my own personal theme music!
Running a close second to this is my beloved U2 but it's not a song commonly played on the radio. It's the ethereal The Ground Beneath Her Feet which is on the tail end of All That You Can't Leave Behind and on the soundtrack to a flopped movie Million Dollar Hotel. I think it's a great feat for a song to beat out such amazing tracks like With Or Without You or Where The Streets Have No Name or of course, my other beloved u2 track, All I Want Is You. I get tingles from this song every time I hear it - I could listen to it on a loop and still get that leap of the heart every time. I don't know whether it's Salman Rushdie's poetic lyricism or the fact that Bono's vocals are right on the mark, the perfect balance of gentle calm and soaring power. Or that The Edge and Daniel Lanois's entrances are perfection. I just love the combined simplicity and power of this song.
Stevie Wonder is one of those artists that always rises that urge to dance in me....and some of you have seen me dance...it's not pretty. lol. There are plenty of tracks that I could list here that could easily make the Number 1 Stevie spot (Another Star, I Wish, Superstition, Master Blaster) but I think that Higher Ground edges them all out. It's so damn funky and really brings out the great songwriting skills that the Wonderman had. I love the guitar & keys riff which is a bit of a Stevie trademark. And the mark of a good song is when a band like Red Hot Chili Peppers can do a cover that isn't shamed. I actually like their cover almost as much. Check out this song live at Musikladen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZEGx2dcpMY (even funnier is the comments left on this video regarding RHCP vs Stevie. Some people have way too much spare time.
I couldn't get away with a list like this without mentioning a Led Zeppelin track and through careful personal deliberation (arguments between voices in my head...he he he), I think Kashmir has just edged out The Immigrant Song and Black Dog (the latter lost simply because of the one damn spot where they try to squeeze too many notes into a bar) . Why does Zeppelin get a mention? Five words: Jimmy Page is a God! Robert Plant's vocals are quite subdued for a change but I think it suits that slow bubbling riff that pulsates through the song. This song is 8 and a half minutes long but I'm never bored for a second in this song. There's no attempt to overdo anything which is what I think makes the song. However, Kashmir has one failing point - that Jimmy Page could endorse or even worse, participate in Puff Daddy's ripoff for the Godzilla soundtrack. Why change an already killer song? One of Lori's friends apparently said they thought that Come With Me was the better version. What???? Sacrilege!
Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On. Well, what can I say? What a sexy song! You can be the most cynical person on earth (ie me) and still get a little hot under the collar over this song. Although nowadays, when I hear this song, I think of Jack Black's gyrating rendition in High Fidelity which can be a bit turnoff, albeit hilarious! lol. Marvin Gaye's vocals are ON THE MARK in this song - what a voice! And although it's not a musically complex song (unlike Can I Get A Witness which was, I'm sure, used later in the Sesame street theme...sing it with me.....Sunny day...sweeping the clouds away.....), I think it's one of those timeless songs you save for that special moment (see, I can be a romantic at times. Just don't expect it all the time!)
In a similar vein, the reverend himself Al Green, one of the true saviours of soul, has many songs I could say could make my list. After all, how can you not want to smile at Let's Stay Together. And Take Me To The River is a classic. But my fave is not a big hit. It's Give It Everything. I heard this song many years ago on the soundtrack to The Truth About Cats And Dogs and fell in love with it like I did with most Al Green tracks. It's a really cute little groove with some great horn interludes and backing vocals. Again, a sweet little romantic song about someone deserving their heart's desire and not being halfhearted about love. It's just adorable, in grand Al Green style.
And now for a real cringe-worthy sentimental addition. Does anyone remember Health Hustle?! Anyone over the age of 25 would have done it and some primary schools still do it, I'm sure. It was this primary school program that had its heyday in the 80s that was like an aerobics work out for school kids. Well, my primary school did it and one of the songs I always remember from that was Run To Paradise by The Choirboys. Yeah, I know, its cheesy and embarrassing to admit and I'm sure that the Choirboys had at least one mullet amongst them but there's just that moment when I hear this happy little song that reminds me of one of the only good memories of school for me. And it makes me wanna sing at the top of my lungs. And you know what....these guys are still going!
One song, although probably not even close to the greatest James Brown son, stands out for me as my novelty favourite and that's Get Up Offa That Thing (although War - What Is It Good For is a crack up!). It's funny that this was a song used in Sister Act II by Whoopi to generate enthusiasm cos that's exactly what it does to me. Again, a really funky tune with some great horn interjections and one hell of a bass line! It really does make you wanna get up offa that thing and release that pressure. And you know what? A band like this is one of the few that I would have a remote chance of being involved in. (bless soul bands!). Although I doubt it would involve the Godfather of Soul. lol.
I couldn't get through a list like this without mentioning Madness as they are an all-time sentimental favourite from childhood. And the very song I've chosen is one I remember because of the Young Ones that we watched as kids. The episode was 'Sick' (the disgusting one where Neil sneezes buckets of snot into a garbage bag that is nailed to his head - ugh!). Madness made an appearance in a street riot, performing this song - Our House. (Sorry to disappoint all of you who thought it was gonna be Baggy Trousers). I love Baggy Trousers, House of Fun and Wings Of A Dove but Our House had such a big sound (complete with car noises) because of the huge horn section, strings and that pulsating piano. It's typical Madness hysteria, has amusing, almost childlike lyrics and the speed at which Suggs sings the lyrics in the bridge is fantastic. This song reminds me of the movie The Castle - has the same sentiment behind it. It's true kookiness that, although I love them, beats out The Stranglers.
Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones is an indication of the competition between the Stones and The Beatles at the time. Just when John Lennon was introducing sitars to the Beatles' instrumentation, Jagger jumped on the bandwagon and produced this. And is it great or what? One of the more atmospheric songs of the 60s, it was a rarity when a pop song used a tonality like this (almost sounds like it follows an Indian Raga scale) but because of the pulsing rhythmic drive and great doubling of voice and guitars/sitar, it was a hit and remains that way. For those who prefer lighter pop, Vanessa Carlton does a pretty ordinary version of it with little of the atmosphere that makes the original great.
STAY TUNED FOR MORE IN A LATER POST.....
Additions to the list from Van Morrison, Antonio Carlos Jobim, The Beatles, Otis Redding, Tori Amos, Sarah McLachlan, Michael Jackson and Sting.
The first thing I love about Africa by Toto is the total irony of the whole song. It's a song about Africa in its most magnificent state sung by a bunch of white American boys in the 80s who confessed that they'd never been to Africa and it was a country that held no particular significance for them. They used instruments to create authentic African percussive sounds but none of the instruments came from Africa. But it works. The song has great rhythm, mainly due to the legendary drumming of the late Jeff Porcaro. The lead singer in this song wasn't the normal lead singer, instead the keyboardist stood in on vocals but he also works. The harmonies are catchy & actually quite difficult to sing. I love the cheesiness of the moment they try to squeeze the word Serengeti into a space where the syllables simply DO NOT fit. I get a big cheesy grin on my face when this song comes on and it even got used on a photo dvd for the Fotias that Jane made as my own personal theme music!
Running a close second to this is my beloved U2 but it's not a song commonly played on the radio. It's the ethereal The Ground Beneath Her Feet which is on the tail end of All That You Can't Leave Behind and on the soundtrack to a flopped movie Million Dollar Hotel. I think it's a great feat for a song to beat out such amazing tracks like With Or Without You or Where The Streets Have No Name or of course, my other beloved u2 track, All I Want Is You. I get tingles from this song every time I hear it - I could listen to it on a loop and still get that leap of the heart every time. I don't know whether it's Salman Rushdie's poetic lyricism or the fact that Bono's vocals are right on the mark, the perfect balance of gentle calm and soaring power. Or that The Edge and Daniel Lanois's entrances are perfection. I just love the combined simplicity and power of this song.
Stevie Wonder is one of those artists that always rises that urge to dance in me....and some of you have seen me dance...it's not pretty. lol. There are plenty of tracks that I could list here that could easily make the Number 1 Stevie spot (Another Star, I Wish, Superstition, Master Blaster) but I think that Higher Ground edges them all out. It's so damn funky and really brings out the great songwriting skills that the Wonderman had. I love the guitar & keys riff which is a bit of a Stevie trademark. And the mark of a good song is when a band like Red Hot Chili Peppers can do a cover that isn't shamed. I actually like their cover almost as much. Check out this song live at Musikladen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZEGx2dcpMY (even funnier is the comments left on this video regarding RHCP vs Stevie. Some people have way too much spare time.
I couldn't get away with a list like this without mentioning a Led Zeppelin track and through careful personal deliberation (arguments between voices in my head...he he he), I think Kashmir has just edged out The Immigrant Song and Black Dog (the latter lost simply because of the one damn spot where they try to squeeze too many notes into a bar) . Why does Zeppelin get a mention? Five words: Jimmy Page is a God! Robert Plant's vocals are quite subdued for a change but I think it suits that slow bubbling riff that pulsates through the song. This song is 8 and a half minutes long but I'm never bored for a second in this song. There's no attempt to overdo anything which is what I think makes the song. However, Kashmir has one failing point - that Jimmy Page could endorse or even worse, participate in Puff Daddy's ripoff for the Godzilla soundtrack. Why change an already killer song? One of Lori's friends apparently said they thought that Come With Me was the better version. What???? Sacrilege!
Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On. Well, what can I say? What a sexy song! You can be the most cynical person on earth (ie me) and still get a little hot under the collar over this song. Although nowadays, when I hear this song, I think of Jack Black's gyrating rendition in High Fidelity which can be a bit turnoff, albeit hilarious! lol. Marvin Gaye's vocals are ON THE MARK in this song - what a voice! And although it's not a musically complex song (unlike Can I Get A Witness which was, I'm sure, used later in the Sesame street theme...sing it with me.....Sunny day...sweeping the clouds away.....), I think it's one of those timeless songs you save for that special moment (see, I can be a romantic at times. Just don't expect it all the time!)
In a similar vein, the reverend himself Al Green, one of the true saviours of soul, has many songs I could say could make my list. After all, how can you not want to smile at Let's Stay Together. And Take Me To The River is a classic. But my fave is not a big hit. It's Give It Everything. I heard this song many years ago on the soundtrack to The Truth About Cats And Dogs and fell in love with it like I did with most Al Green tracks. It's a really cute little groove with some great horn interludes and backing vocals. Again, a sweet little romantic song about someone deserving their heart's desire and not being halfhearted about love. It's just adorable, in grand Al Green style.
And now for a real cringe-worthy sentimental addition. Does anyone remember Health Hustle?! Anyone over the age of 25 would have done it and some primary schools still do it, I'm sure. It was this primary school program that had its heyday in the 80s that was like an aerobics work out for school kids. Well, my primary school did it and one of the songs I always remember from that was Run To Paradise by The Choirboys. Yeah, I know, its cheesy and embarrassing to admit and I'm sure that the Choirboys had at least one mullet amongst them but there's just that moment when I hear this happy little song that reminds me of one of the only good memories of school for me. And it makes me wanna sing at the top of my lungs. And you know what....these guys are still going!
One song, although probably not even close to the greatest James Brown son, stands out for me as my novelty favourite and that's Get Up Offa That Thing (although War - What Is It Good For is a crack up!). It's funny that this was a song used in Sister Act II by Whoopi to generate enthusiasm cos that's exactly what it does to me. Again, a really funky tune with some great horn interjections and one hell of a bass line! It really does make you wanna get up offa that thing and release that pressure. And you know what? A band like this is one of the few that I would have a remote chance of being involved in. (bless soul bands!). Although I doubt it would involve the Godfather of Soul. lol.
I couldn't get through a list like this without mentioning Madness as they are an all-time sentimental favourite from childhood. And the very song I've chosen is one I remember because of the Young Ones that we watched as kids. The episode was 'Sick' (the disgusting one where Neil sneezes buckets of snot into a garbage bag that is nailed to his head - ugh!). Madness made an appearance in a street riot, performing this song - Our House. (Sorry to disappoint all of you who thought it was gonna be Baggy Trousers). I love Baggy Trousers, House of Fun and Wings Of A Dove but Our House had such a big sound (complete with car noises) because of the huge horn section, strings and that pulsating piano. It's typical Madness hysteria, has amusing, almost childlike lyrics and the speed at which Suggs sings the lyrics in the bridge is fantastic. This song reminds me of the movie The Castle - has the same sentiment behind it. It's true kookiness that, although I love them, beats out The Stranglers.
Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones is an indication of the competition between the Stones and The Beatles at the time. Just when John Lennon was introducing sitars to the Beatles' instrumentation, Jagger jumped on the bandwagon and produced this. And is it great or what? One of the more atmospheric songs of the 60s, it was a rarity when a pop song used a tonality like this (almost sounds like it follows an Indian Raga scale) but because of the pulsing rhythmic drive and great doubling of voice and guitars/sitar, it was a hit and remains that way. For those who prefer lighter pop, Vanessa Carlton does a pretty ordinary version of it with little of the atmosphere that makes the original great.
STAY TUNED FOR MORE IN A LATER POST.....
Additions to the list from Van Morrison, Antonio Carlos Jobim, The Beatles, Otis Redding, Tori Amos, Sarah McLachlan, Michael Jackson and Sting.
The Myth Of Fingerprints
Before work on Monday, I was looking for an emergency summer shirt (stupid me thought that it was a smart idea to wear a jumper with nothing underneath on a 35 degree day) and I discovered this interesting phenomena. I was browsing the clothes racks in some random store in the mall and I turned around to see these three girls doing the same. One was in her early teens, the others in their late teens or early twenties. They weren't together but curiously, they were dressed almost identically - I mean, aside from the colour of their similarly stripy t-shirts, identically cut jeans and 'girlie thongs', their clothes were like duplicate copies. Their hair was all tied back in the same fashion with the same dyed streaks through it and they all had dangly earrings, presumably bought from a cheap jewellery store like diva. I actually smiled at the doppelganger effect I was seeing here but then, I got a shock. I looked down at myself.
Aside from a small work-related alterations, I was essentially dressed the same too and the rack I was browsing through was stripy-shirt-central. I was horrified at my inadvertent attempt to conform. I quickly got out of there and headed for the nearest plain black top I could find to 'cleanse' myself from this evil.
I realised that from all areas of basic living, we're all following the leader...and we don't even know who that leader is - Dewey Finn in School of Rock would probably call it 'the man'. I see this a lot at school - kids dressing the same, speaking the same, even their hand writing is the same. I have students wanting to learn the not-so-great tunes of the most popular music act of the day (and I use the term 'music' lightly). I can tell you now, "Wolfmother for Clarinet" is not exactly what I would call quality musical literature. The new Year 8s for next year were asked what their fave music was - their answers were indescribably predictable: Rihanna, Beyonce, Pussycat Dolls for the girls; Wolfmother, Blink 182, Panic! At the Disco for the boys.
Even watching Australian Idol from year to year, we see that cliched 'golden boy' or pretty young diva excel throughout the competition, only to be ousted by the underdog. The kooky looking Guy won over the 'ever popular with girls' Shannon Noll; the overweight 16 yr old Casey Donovan beat out the popular (although Hobbit related) Anthony Callea. And lets not forget the balding Irish crooner with bad teeth Damien Leith beating the power singing pretty girl Jess for this year's title. Now, some will say this is an indication that people won't always vote for the coolest or better looking contestant but the results are becoming predictable. I think it's become conformist to make sure the underdog wins. I'm just as guilty as the rest of the population on this one.
Over the mountain, down in the valley,
Lives a former talk show host
Everybody knows his name.
He says there's no doubt about it...
It was the myth of fingerprints
I've seen them all and man,
They're all the same.
Paul Simon
We see people, like sheep, follow patterns of others in trends towards occupations (I read somewhere that enrolments in university Forensic Chemistry courses have increased because of CSI and Bones), trends towards pastimes (dancing classes have had surges in memberships in the US because of 'So You Think You Can Dance'). Sushi, freshly made juice and 'made as you order' noodle boxes have taken on the high fashion stakes of the food world. And of course, lets not forget the just plain scary trend of playing 'follow the leader' in politics. Could this explain the inability for our country to embrace and accept a change in government.
What I have found the most amusing about fashions and fads is that some assertive joker thought it would be funny to tell the Aussie public that mullets were a GOOD idea to bring back and managed to get these SHEEP to embrace possibly the worst fashion trend ever! All it takes is for one person to tell someone something is worth doing and its a hit.
Aside from a small work-related alterations, I was essentially dressed the same too and the rack I was browsing through was stripy-shirt-central. I was horrified at my inadvertent attempt to conform. I quickly got out of there and headed for the nearest plain black top I could find to 'cleanse' myself from this evil.
I realised that from all areas of basic living, we're all following the leader...and we don't even know who that leader is - Dewey Finn in School of Rock would probably call it 'the man'. I see this a lot at school - kids dressing the same, speaking the same, even their hand writing is the same. I have students wanting to learn the not-so-great tunes of the most popular music act of the day (and I use the term 'music' lightly). I can tell you now, "Wolfmother for Clarinet" is not exactly what I would call quality musical literature. The new Year 8s for next year were asked what their fave music was - their answers were indescribably predictable: Rihanna, Beyonce, Pussycat Dolls for the girls; Wolfmother, Blink 182, Panic! At the Disco for the boys.
Even watching Australian Idol from year to year, we see that cliched 'golden boy' or pretty young diva excel throughout the competition, only to be ousted by the underdog. The kooky looking Guy won over the 'ever popular with girls' Shannon Noll; the overweight 16 yr old Casey Donovan beat out the popular (although Hobbit related) Anthony Callea. And lets not forget the balding Irish crooner with bad teeth Damien Leith beating the power singing pretty girl Jess for this year's title. Now, some will say this is an indication that people won't always vote for the coolest or better looking contestant but the results are becoming predictable. I think it's become conformist to make sure the underdog wins. I'm just as guilty as the rest of the population on this one.
Over the mountain, down in the valley,
Lives a former talk show host
Everybody knows his name.
He says there's no doubt about it...
It was the myth of fingerprints
I've seen them all and man,
They're all the same.
Paul Simon
We see people, like sheep, follow patterns of others in trends towards occupations (I read somewhere that enrolments in university Forensic Chemistry courses have increased because of CSI and Bones), trends towards pastimes (dancing classes have had surges in memberships in the US because of 'So You Think You Can Dance'). Sushi, freshly made juice and 'made as you order' noodle boxes have taken on the high fashion stakes of the food world. And of course, lets not forget the just plain scary trend of playing 'follow the leader' in politics. Could this explain the inability for our country to embrace and accept a change in government.
What I have found the most amusing about fashions and fads is that some assertive joker thought it would be funny to tell the Aussie public that mullets were a GOOD idea to bring back and managed to get these SHEEP to embrace possibly the worst fashion trend ever! All it takes is for one person to tell someone something is worth doing and its a hit.
NICKY'S PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION!
So here's my plan. I'm persuasive. I can talk a coffee table's legs off. I think I'm going to experiment with this.
First I'll hit the clothing stores (maybe small time in Rundle Mall to begin with) and convince the Australian public that stone wash jeans with elastic waistbands are the fashion trend of the future - coupling this with Blundstones and off the shoulder tank tops. Or maybe poodle skirts could replace the Boho look. I could tell hairdressers that the skunk look is coming back - I'm sure they could get at least ONE 14yr old to give themselves black and white stripes over a permed fringe. I'm sure I could also attempt to convince fashion magazines that vomit colour is the new black.
Next I'll hit the radio stations and convince them that Leo Sayer is the comeback of the century and that they should play 'You Make Me Feel Like Dancing' ad nauseum on Nova 91.9. Or failing that, Julio Eglesias or Kamahl will do as an alternative.
Then I'll go to all the major TV networks to pitch my television pilot "Dumpers", a show about a group of twenty something public toilet cleaners. After its first hit season, let's just see how many people decide that their dream career isn't medicine or law but they wish to pursue an occupation in the 'sanitary arts'.
I could convince Hollywood viewing audiences waiting noisily on the side of the Oscars red carpet parade that the new 'it' girl is some decrepit old fogey not fit enough to star in 'Upstairs Downstairs 2: The Final Revenge'. Bugger all the Scarlet Johannsens, and Keira Knightleys of this world. Let's bring back Kathy Bates and Sissy Spacek and Kirsty Alley to the front page of FHM.
And finally, my last stop will be the bars and clubs of Adelaide where I'll launch my new mixed drink - Colitis: a combination of baileys, Stout and tomato juice. We could market it as the new Manhattan. All we'd need to do is get Sarah Jessica Parker to endorse it and it's a binge drinking hit!
I'm starting to a little 'megalomaniacal' under the collar....
VOTE 1: Nicky.....to take over our Pied Piper world.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Individuality begone...I'm a musician....
You know, I'm not a fan of stereotypes (who is) but there are just some things about musicians that seem a given, simply because of a particular instrument they play. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule but in most cases, you can guess a musician's primary instrument by their look or behaviour.
Clarinet players can be quite versatile as far as their look goes but are quite often the ones seen getting drunk at The Austral after an orchestra gig (or in the case of The WCB cabaret, DURING the gig). And that's not just me! It seems a consistency. The clarinet players at the Der School of Sic Mate always seem to be in the caf.
Question: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: 10. 1 to hold the bulb and 9 to drink tequila til the room spins.
Flute players and the colour pink always go together. In general, flute players blend in with each other in a section by the various forms of pink that they wear. This is usually coupled with pretty hair, makeup and delicate clothing. I know a flute player who pulls her hair back so tight, you can see the whites of her eyes permanently!(In some cases, male flute players fit this category too). I've found most flute players to be pretty anal & uptight about small things. Then again, they do play the flute so I guess they can't help their handicap. :)
Trumpet players also seem to be uptight. Is that through trying to hit high notes? Note: the higher the note, the squeezier the butt cheeks. He he....A good trumpet player will ALWAYS show off. 'I can play higher than you!' In fact, in the case of one K.E., they'll show off even if they're NOT good.
Drummers......do I need to say more? Question: How do you know when the stage is level? Answer: When the drummer is drooling out of BOTH sides of his mouth. In a recent survey of the musical aptitude of some incoming Yr 8s to the school, I discovered that the people with the worst rhythm were the drummers/ drummer wannabes. Drummers are the musicians (and I use that term lightly) that no matter the occasion, they'll turn up in shorts and thongs. Usually the ones driving the dodgiest car too - could this be that sporadic paycheck? And are always the last ones to arrive at a rehearsal or gig, regardless of having the most equipment to set up.....not mentioning anyone in particular, am I? Mal?
As for guitarists...well, you hardly ever see these elusive people.Usually relating more to their guitar than to the human race, they only emerge from their little guitar world periodically. Are the ones found at the con practicing in a park, cafe, toilet....Will usually grow facial hair in an attempt to appear intellectual or grungy (or to look like a certain guitarist hero) but invariably, look better without it. Also likely to show up to a gig in shorts. Will suffer for their art - often living in dumps to afford to be a 'professional' musician. This seems to require living without a washing machine, soap, running water....
Q - How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
A - Pay for the pizza.
Q - What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A - Homeless
Can tell a guitarist by their hands a lot - long nails on one hand, chewed down to the quick on the other. I'm told this is to do with the instrument.......a bizarre fetish if you ask me. He he he....
Vocalists. Question: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler? Answer: Jewellery.
Singers should be avoided at all costs, esp. classical ones. :) For people that have NO equipment to cart around, they're the ones that demand the most attention and the most service from other people. Since my time at the Der School of Sic Mate, I have yet to meet a singer who wanted to work with instrumentalists. They hang in groups - they seem to be drawn together like flies to manure. Those of them that do communicate with instrumentalists tend to be jazz singers.
Clarinet players can be quite versatile as far as their look goes but are quite often the ones seen getting drunk at The Austral after an orchestra gig (or in the case of The WCB cabaret, DURING the gig). And that's not just me! It seems a consistency. The clarinet players at the Der School of Sic Mate always seem to be in the caf.
Question: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: 10. 1 to hold the bulb and 9 to drink tequila til the room spins.
Flute players and the colour pink always go together. In general, flute players blend in with each other in a section by the various forms of pink that they wear. This is usually coupled with pretty hair, makeup and delicate clothing. I know a flute player who pulls her hair back so tight, you can see the whites of her eyes permanently!(In some cases, male flute players fit this category too). I've found most flute players to be pretty anal & uptight about small things. Then again, they do play the flute so I guess they can't help their handicap. :)
Trumpet players also seem to be uptight. Is that through trying to hit high notes? Note: the higher the note, the squeezier the butt cheeks. He he....A good trumpet player will ALWAYS show off. 'I can play higher than you!' In fact, in the case of one K.E., they'll show off even if they're NOT good.
Drummers......do I need to say more? Question: How do you know when the stage is level? Answer: When the drummer is drooling out of BOTH sides of his mouth. In a recent survey of the musical aptitude of some incoming Yr 8s to the school, I discovered that the people with the worst rhythm were the drummers/ drummer wannabes. Drummers are the musicians (and I use that term lightly) that no matter the occasion, they'll turn up in shorts and thongs. Usually the ones driving the dodgiest car too - could this be that sporadic paycheck? And are always the last ones to arrive at a rehearsal or gig, regardless of having the most equipment to set up.....not mentioning anyone in particular, am I? Mal?
As for guitarists...well, you hardly ever see these elusive people.Usually relating more to their guitar than to the human race, they only emerge from their little guitar world periodically. Are the ones found at the con practicing in a park, cafe, toilet....Will usually grow facial hair in an attempt to appear intellectual or grungy (or to look like a certain guitarist hero) but invariably, look better without it. Also likely to show up to a gig in shorts. Will suffer for their art - often living in dumps to afford to be a 'professional' musician. This seems to require living without a washing machine, soap, running water....
Q - How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
A - Pay for the pizza.
Q - What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A - Homeless
Can tell a guitarist by their hands a lot - long nails on one hand, chewed down to the quick on the other. I'm told this is to do with the instrument.......a bizarre fetish if you ask me. He he he....
Vocalists. Question: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler? Answer: Jewellery.
Singers should be avoided at all costs, esp. classical ones. :) For people that have NO equipment to cart around, they're the ones that demand the most attention and the most service from other people. Since my time at the Der School of Sic Mate, I have yet to meet a singer who wanted to work with instrumentalists. They hang in groups - they seem to be drawn together like flies to manure. Those of them that do communicate with instrumentalists tend to be jazz singers.
Joy to the f**king world
It's the 3rd December and it's begun. The Christmas carols are ringing through every store doorway. Since early October, Xmas decorations have been hung in shop windows and all the way down Rundle Mall. And those vomit-inducing children's choirs are playing wherever you turn. YARGH! It's bad enough that the average shopper is subjected to the 800th version of Away in a Bloody Manager, sung in English, French, Cantonese and Swahili and arranged in all forms from country to calypso.
But this Xmas, when you sit snuggling up to your partner on a picnic rug listening to a half-assed church choir sing their versions of Carols By Candlelight, please spare a thought for us poor souls. The ones who have to play them! OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Ten verses....all the same....shudder!
Those Xmas Carol gigs. The first one begins today. And as if it isn't bad enough that it's a Christmas carol gig but it's a SCHOOL BAND doing it. My poor bleeding ears! The next one is NEXT Sunday ...then the Wednesday after that...and the week after that....Here we go!!!! I'm not looking forward to having to play 5 verses of one Xmas Carol in upteen flats on a piece of paper the size of a square of toilet paper in the freezing cold on the back of a tautliner. Every year I freeze my ass off, get bitten alive by mosquitoes and swallow about 10 moths that are attracted to the spotlights which never appear to be anywhere near our music. Not to mention nearly falling off the truck to my certain death. Or the ringing ears from the painfully bad voices of the selected church choir, led by one crap singer Rosie, all of whom THINK they can sing but only sound like cats in the process of being spayed! I'm praying for rain. One year it was cancelled. Oh what a day, what a perfect day...
I can cope with the Christmas songs - White Christmas, Jingle Bells, Frosty The Snowman, I Saw Mommy Porking Santa Claus.....but if I hear the First F**king Noel one more time....
I have no time to prepare myself for this - to build up my immune system to old ladies with warbling throats and children that use the candles to set alight their carols programme.
What is with this time of year making me feel slightly less clarinet-y.
So word of warning: If that bloody choir leader sings one more song in falsetto, I'll shove my clarinet right up her....
But this Xmas, when you sit snuggling up to your partner on a picnic rug listening to a half-assed church choir sing their versions of Carols By Candlelight, please spare a thought for us poor souls. The ones who have to play them! OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Ten verses....all the same....shudder!
Those Xmas Carol gigs. The first one begins today. And as if it isn't bad enough that it's a Christmas carol gig but it's a SCHOOL BAND doing it. My poor bleeding ears! The next one is NEXT Sunday ...then the Wednesday after that...and the week after that....Here we go!!!! I'm not looking forward to having to play 5 verses of one Xmas Carol in upteen flats on a piece of paper the size of a square of toilet paper in the freezing cold on the back of a tautliner. Every year I freeze my ass off, get bitten alive by mosquitoes and swallow about 10 moths that are attracted to the spotlights which never appear to be anywhere near our music. Not to mention nearly falling off the truck to my certain death. Or the ringing ears from the painfully bad voices of the selected church choir, led by one crap singer Rosie, all of whom THINK they can sing but only sound like cats in the process of being spayed! I'm praying for rain. One year it was cancelled. Oh what a day, what a perfect day...
I can cope with the Christmas songs - White Christmas, Jingle Bells, Frosty The Snowman, I Saw Mommy Porking Santa Claus.....but if I hear the First F**king Noel one more time....
I have no time to prepare myself for this - to build up my immune system to old ladies with warbling throats and children that use the candles to set alight their carols programme.
What is with this time of year making me feel slightly less clarinet-y.
So word of warning: If that bloody choir leader sings one more song in falsetto, I'll shove my clarinet right up her....
Zoom zoom zoom!
Public transport. I hate it. Now, I'm a greenie. I want to be a good environmentally friendly person and catch public transport. But, woah, are there some people that test my patience???!!!
Like the people who don't take their bags off their backs when they are standing on a crowded bus - so they hit all the seated passengers in the head as they pass. There's this Adelaide High girl that does it all the time. I feel like spilling something dark and brown and sticky on her 'attractive' white school uniform. Although I'd probably want to do that anyway cos I'm just a bitch and revel in the misfortune of others. ;)
Or then there's the ones that block you in if you're sitting on a window seat. I'm only little but it doesn't mean I want to be forced into the space with only room for a postage stamp. Picture me with my face pressed up against the glass to avoid going 'cheek to cheek' with some stranger. What is WITH people virtually sit on your lap?! Now, I'm not a morning person - I don't like having some fat guy's ass rubbing up against me before I've had my first coffee.....not that I'd want that afterwards either.... hmmm....
I digress...
There's this woman who used to get on the bus everyday when I lived in ye olde boganville Findon who has this poor little kid who isn't even allowed to scratch or look out the window without being yelled at and smacked. She talks to him like he's a teenager - he's all but three. I just feel like punching her in the head and saying 'He's gonna turn out to be a complete drug addict and head case because of the way you treat him'. Stupid cow. I'm gonna campaign for her to be neutered. And I'm not even really an 'I love children' kind of girl.
And then, oh dear, the ones with B.O. Kill me!!! I was on the bus the other morning and this guy (I think he was Somalian or something - not that that's relevant) sat next to me (blocking me in, I should mention, against the window) and he had the worst B.O. The bus driver put the air con on but it was one of those buses without open windows and all it did was circulate the stench. I swear, this smell was like a living entity - it was one step away from growing legs! I held my breath for most of the trip - no wonder I had a headache in wind ensemble all morning.
Oh, public transport, you stink. I hate you. I think you should have to sign a clause before you enter a bus to say that you will in no way impose your stench, lack of anger management or inconsideration on others. And if you break the rules, other passengers should be able to hit you with a very large stick. Yeah, it's a plan....
Like the people who don't take their bags off their backs when they are standing on a crowded bus - so they hit all the seated passengers in the head as they pass. There's this Adelaide High girl that does it all the time. I feel like spilling something dark and brown and sticky on her 'attractive' white school uniform. Although I'd probably want to do that anyway cos I'm just a bitch and revel in the misfortune of others. ;)
Or then there's the ones that block you in if you're sitting on a window seat. I'm only little but it doesn't mean I want to be forced into the space with only room for a postage stamp. Picture me with my face pressed up against the glass to avoid going 'cheek to cheek' with some stranger. What is WITH people virtually sit on your lap?! Now, I'm not a morning person - I don't like having some fat guy's ass rubbing up against me before I've had my first coffee.....not that I'd want that afterwards either.... hmmm....
I digress...
There's this woman who used to get on the bus everyday when I lived in ye olde boganville Findon who has this poor little kid who isn't even allowed to scratch or look out the window without being yelled at and smacked. She talks to him like he's a teenager - he's all but three. I just feel like punching her in the head and saying 'He's gonna turn out to be a complete drug addict and head case because of the way you treat him'. Stupid cow. I'm gonna campaign for her to be neutered. And I'm not even really an 'I love children' kind of girl.
And then, oh dear, the ones with B.O. Kill me!!! I was on the bus the other morning and this guy (I think he was Somalian or something - not that that's relevant) sat next to me (blocking me in, I should mention, against the window) and he had the worst B.O. The bus driver put the air con on but it was one of those buses without open windows and all it did was circulate the stench. I swear, this smell was like a living entity - it was one step away from growing legs! I held my breath for most of the trip - no wonder I had a headache in wind ensemble all morning.
Oh, public transport, you stink. I hate you. I think you should have to sign a clause before you enter a bus to say that you will in no way impose your stench, lack of anger management or inconsideration on others. And if you break the rules, other passengers should be able to hit you with a very large stick. Yeah, it's a plan....
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
ARRRGGGHHH!
This is scary! And yet strangely intriguing! I think they're on to something
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=40573976&blogID=174905454
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=40573976&blogID=174905454
Welcome!
Welcome to The Next Generation of Down With Pants! Those of you pantless legends that have been loyal fans of the original Down With Pants will recognise some of the posts you see here. That's because I do not want to waste the posts that I sweated and slaved over since Dec 2005. So watch out because more will come, interspersed with the oldies but goodies.
Oh and one more thing....
KILL ELMO!
KILL ELMO!
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